good times

I have had some really good times the past few weeks.
It has really helped me out because I have not been doing the best lately.

A few weeks ago one of my best friends Josh called me up and a few of us went to the park and just hung out for a few hours. Then I believe the weekend after that He and my friend Anna Bibb went dancing with a few other people. That was a blast. Even though I did get home at 4am. Of course after eating at our favorite early morning place- Ihop.
A few times during the week he would call me to just hang out. We danced at our favorite park and just had a really good time just talking. I have really been needing that lately. It has been really nice to have a good guy friend. Someone I can trust and ask Guy geared questions. I have not had that in a while now.

This past saturday two of my best friends Anna and Josh went to eat Mexican food. One of Josh's last Mexican dinners, as well as the last meal we would have with him for a really long time.
Then we went to our park and hung out there for awhile until we decided we wanted cool-aid.
We stayed up until around 6am Sunday morning just talking and enjoying each others company. We made s'mores and just sat by the fire.
We talked about everything from why we are such good friends, to relationships and even religion. It has to have been one of the best nights I have had. Even though all of these I have mentioned are pretty great.
It has really left me thinking. A good friend of mine has been telling me I should cut ties with a few friends that are not building me up.
Yet I am torn because Honestly these are really some of my closest friends.

I mean yes I do not always act as I should around them. I am a bit different hanging around them, yet I am who I am around them. No faking anything. I can trust them with anything and they in return do the same to me.
I am not sure what this rambling is about, maybe just thinking about things.

I sure am Missing my friends right now.
I could really use a good talk again.
where are those letters?

I are a bit tired of acting like I have everything together, yet at the same time It is easier that way, and that is who I am.

dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams.
I was never one to be told "shoot for the stars." or "follow your dreams"
I always like to tell people I dream in color. In fact it means two different things. It means that I have huge dreams and that I dream sometimes the impossible. Yet it also means that I dream in color, although I have dreamed in black and white.

I have not slept very well in the last few weeks, due to the vivid dreams I have had lately.

I had a dream about a good friend of mine about 2 weeks ago. I woke up at around 6 in the morning crying. I had a weird dream that he was sick or hurt in some way. I could see him clearly laying in a bed. It was a hard dream to handle. I didn't know what to do but pray. I immediately sat up and prayed. Later to find out that week that in fact he was sick and on bed rest. I did not think much of that but that it was from God to pray for him.

On Tuesday of this week I had the worst dream about my father. I do not wish to even talk about it right at this moment. It had to do with his health as well as a big fear of mine God has been working through me right now. I woke up to my dad trying talking to me, it scared me half to death. I do not believe I was to kind too him.

on Friday night I had two dreams.

the first was about my ear. Yes that may sound weird but if you know me then you will understand why that is not so odd.

I was at my old church (a place I have been thinking about more than usual). My ear was on fire and it would not go out. I was surrounded my old friends, people that I dearly miss. It was weird because I woke up thinking that if something "tragic" happened to me I want certain people around me as well as that I needed to stay in contact with others. I remember in my dream, as I was trying to contain the fire on my ear, that even though my ear was deformed it was okay because those who love me and those who matter to me most will look past the deformation.
which is weird because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Who I have given up on trying to maintain a friendship as well as who I need to put more effort in.

The same night I had a dream about a good friend of mine. I was at her house because she was moving. It was empty but my brother and I were both there for some reason. It was fine at first but then after awhile it became dangerous. It was night time and there were intruders that were robing the house while I was there. My brother was nowhere to me found. I remember thinking in my dream that is common for my brother. He is either to consumed about himself or he is along side my family when I am in trouble or in confusion. The robbers started to push me because I was in their way. (I will not go into great detail about this part, at least not on here)
but after what seemed like hours I blacked out of fell asleep. Later on that night a good friend of the family who is now in heaven came to rescue me, but I would not allow him to. I screamed something along the lines that "you left me." not sure what that was about. I ran all the way home, (which that is not possible)
then I was at church that following Sunday and i was surrounded my friends but that was not enough from keeping me from crying. I was crying uncontrollably because I was so ashamed and need to apologize to my friend's father. There is more to this dream but that is the just of it.

I talked to my friend just last night and she told me that her family was considering moving but they were not sure. it is weird because I woke up crying after this dream at 5:30 in the morning. I could not control myself until finally I feel asleep.

last night I wanted anything to sleep with out dreaming. I decided I would fall asleep watching tv to hopefully distract myself. But nevertheless I had another dream. This time It was about my family. One of my aunts gave all her nieces a "gift" I will not come right out and say what it was right now.
I do not remember if she was sick or dying but she insisted we all take it.
it was not a normal thing for all of us to do, yet we all respected her wish. For some odd reason it had a weird effect on me and it hurt me. I was saddened by this because I did not normally have a problem with it nor did I want to disappoint my family as I have always done. I remember thinking that I usually fit in quite well with my cousins, why couldn't I this time? Which some times is not always the best thing. My sister was not present because she does not "fit" in with them nor does she really associate with them.


this dreams have really made me think more lately. My parents think I am just eaten too late. others do not understand them. I am not sure what the think of them. But that I wish I could get some sleep. I am severely lacking.

something I wish I could tell you.

a song I wrote for a friend today at work.
not going to show it to them though.


It is going to be a journey to find out
To find out what's going on.

You start the conversation.
I promise to be kind

Let's share this journey.
Let's share this time.
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine.

No need to carry me
I have feet of my own
I have two good feet

I went down to one of my favorite spots,
Where the planes fly by.
I felt a feeling in my chest.
I suppose you could call it my heart.

Here I go again
Here it goes again.

Come on, come on,
Won't you come?
Let's take a walk.

Let's share this journey
Let's share this time
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine

We don't need to fall in love,
Don't worry.
All I want is for you to love.
Love yourself and love OUR father
That is the love we share.

Leave the past behind
Let's stay in the present
To cherish this moment.

No need to carry me,
I have two good feet.

No need to walk hand in hand
My hand is fine on it's own...

You start the conversation
I promise I will listen.

dear friend,

(must say dear friend before each,)

dear friend,

I am remembering when you told me some very harsh things, I still remember how much how much it hurt.

Have I told you that you are forgiven?

I am remembering all the times when my heart raced when I would see you. What a silly girl I was.

I am so thankful for the years we spent in high school together. It would have not been the same with out you.

I am grateful for the encouragement you have given me.

I can pin point the words you told me that night I sat on my roof and you told me you had something to tell me. I was afraid that was the end of our friendship.

I am thinking of the time when we had so much fun in my kitchen making cookies and having a flour fight. I think I won by the way.

I am considering that you may have been right all along and that I was too stubborn to see it.

I am sorry for the rude things I may have said to you, I really do think you are an amazing person.

I remember all the late night adventures you and I had.

wow you sure got me into lots of trouble all the years I have know you. I loved every time.

I can still recall the songs you sang to me and how you smiled when you missed a beat. I am sorry but, I am beginning to forget the sound of your voice.

have I told you how much I love you?

I am grateful for the times we got together to talk. I can remember the first time we meet, I thought you were so Real. I want to tell you again thank you for being my friend.

Oh my. I am wearing a goofy smile looking back at all the laughs we have shared.

I remember the ipod wars we used to have. BTW I owned you at all those.

I am trying not to forget all the secrets you told me, and the ones I trusted you with. I miss the sound of your voice.

I remember the times when all we did was sit on the phone with each other and not feel the need to even talk. The hours spent on the phone just listening.

I remember the nights we stayed up really late and would chug red bulls to keep us awake.

Remember how we would have sleepovers like little girls?

I am thinking about all the times we went to jamba juice. I am craving some, wish you were here to go with me. How weird I do not even know where you are.

Do you remember the games we used to play when we were little? We had such imaginations. How is that imagination of yours?

I can recall the quite whispering from all the nights we stayed up late just talking and laughing. Remember the phrase we used to say? "okay this is the last word."

I hope you had fun for those many times you picked on me. Or the times when you will continue to pick on me.

Reflecting on the time spent with you, I long for more. Why can you not live closer?

remember the crafts we used to make? now we do not even speak to each other. how sad is that.

It feels like a few years ago when I would crawl under your bed and grab the tin of cookies. How I wish you would see how big I am. I wish you were here with me.

I remember you were one of the first people I would tell everything to. How are you my friend?

you used to always draw on my papers in class, and distract me from learning. I do not blame you for what I did not learn that year.

I am remembering so many faces, so many smiles yet I am beginning to forget your laughs, your voices. What I will not forget is the impact you have had on my life.
I want to thank you for that.

Love you always,
amy


I have really been reminiscing about the past lately. Remembering the hard times, the times I felt like giving up. I have held on to the good times, the amazing friendships I had.
I am remembering the wonderful talks with good people, the laughs with most.
The honesty I have shared with some, the bickering I have been though with others.

Why Am I remembering so much recently? It is putting me in a unusual mood.

even when life is tiring

I had the craziest, stressful, tiring day yesterday, while volunteering to help at another portrait studio.

I was a complete mess. I was running around trying to be polite to everyone while still trying to hold my authority over them because they will easily walk all over me. After all was done, and I answered everyone's questions and took my best shot at getting their portraits taken I finally had time to breath and take the last sitting. It was a great one because it was just one person vs the huge families I had done earlier that day.

I finally just closed the studio the best I could and hurried out of there.
I called one of my favorite people, on my way home. I told her how my day went and I really just wanted to talk to her. One thing she told me was that the good thing about working is that you can just leave it artas work, there is no need to carry it home with you. Even though I knew that it was nice to be reminded of that.

At the end of the day I was tired and grumpy and a bit stressed but I then reminded myself that no matter how to day ends, no matter how much I want to quit, or how much I wish I had done something different, at the end of the day all we have to do is give the day to the Lord. The Lord gives us a new day.

psalms 30:5
⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.


<sup>Lamentations 3:23-23

22</sup>The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

bake potato with out cheese

There are very rare times I find myself trying new things or allowing myself to adjust.
I have really been stretched recently, and quicker than I thought possible.

Tonight I after I changed from work I heard a rumbling noise and realized that was my stomach simply asking for food. As I am gathering all the toppings while waiting for my bake potato to cook, I realize there is no chesse. I am not sure about you, but for me, CHEESE is a necessity. There are many times when I can improvise but not a situation such as this.

In life sometimes I find myself with out strength or courage or even contentment, and I some how find myself moving on. You can not improvise for things such as these but that is when it takes allowing to try some new things.

I find myself comparing. It is not a good thing most of the times. I kept thinking tonight "Well If only I had cheese this would taste so much better." What a silly thing to even think about because there is nothing I can do about it. Just like many other things in life, I am just learning to adjust to changes and to learn that does not mean it will not come around or happen again but for now I need to learn to allow myself to be open to new things. If I let things slide by or I do not give it a shot then I may never realize how it could have been or how much I could do with out something or even how much I love/miss/appreciate something. :)

I found myself just last night comparing two very different friendships while adding in a new one to think about. I then reminded myself that both of these friendships I value and that friendships can simply not be compared.

Just as I could not have cheese on my potato I can not have everything just the way I would like it but some times it is the willingness and the strength that leads your to new opportunities.

How nice would it be though if life was like a condiment bar. You would to choose and pick or determine what would make your life better or even what would suit your life.

I am not settling nor am I trying to improvise for what can not be I am just learning to adjust and to let go of my "perfect picture" of that person(s) as well as life.

I have come a long way.

A few weeks ago if you had asked me what I was planning on doing in the fall my answer would have been the same- "I am not sure yet."
Every time someone asked me where I was going to college I would roughly reply "Probably nowhere." or "I am really not sure if I want to even go to college."

I had no will or desire or some times I will admit I had no strength to even attend college. I was to much weighed down by my own piety to even think about possibilities.
It seemed everyone was going to some great university and little me was here undecided. If only there was a school for the undecided that you needed not to have great grades or a plan, that would be my school.

It wasn't until about 3 days before school was going to start that I actually had signed up for classes. A few weeks prior to that I registered but didn't go the full nine yards just yet.
Now I am attending college at a community college, getting a few basics done, nothing to spectacular.
yet, I have been blessed. I am taking a class with two of my favorite people, something that I never would have imagined to happen. It is truly a God thing, because this is about the only time it will ever be. I have also met some really great people in some other classes that I look forward to getting to know this semester. Of course I miss my friends who went off to college but I am glad that I can find more peace in waiting what his plan and not taking it into my own hands. That was not too successful for me this past summer.

while I may not have a plan right now, nor am I attending a university, I am learning that God has me exactly where he wants me and when time allows He will move me. I would not have given up things even this beginning of the fall. For example taking my little brother to his first day of kindergarten.

my brothers on their first day of school.

Thank you God for putting me exactly where you want me to be, and never giving up on me. No matter how stubborn I am.

other ways to say good bye.

Latley it has been hard to say goodbye.
That is an odd thing to be because that is one of a little child's first motion or word.

To me saying good bye is a hard thing to do. It is also hard seeing everyone go off to college while I am still residing here. It is not a comfortable thing for me the ponder. I would rather be leaving and going to college like so many are. I am a bit discouraged about everything that has been happening recently. I am trying to remind myself that there is a reason I am still here. That is not an easy thing to do, nor is it something I want to consider.

I am however grateful for the friends that are still here with me, the ones that I look forward to getting to know even better this year. I am going to spend a lot of time investing into the lives of those who are here and those who I have failed to get to know on a deeper level.

I am saddened by the fact that many of my good if not best friends are starting a new journey in their lives, but I am excited to see what God has in stored for mine.
There are a few friends in particular that I am having a harder time grasping that they are not a car ride away anymore, but that is something that will take time.

saying goodbye is not a motion nor is it a word, it is acknowledgment that a simple word such as that will not end a friendship. There is more to a friendship then just getting to know each other, and then the next second you form a new friendship. It is about opening yourself to allowing God to work through your life and form a relationship with those He has put in your path. It has been a hard thing for me to learn that sometimes you have to find it within yourself to realize that some friendships are unhealthy and not pleasing to God, no matter how hard you try to look at it a different way or justify the friendship.

Sometimes in means becoming distance from those who you consider a good friend because
it is easier to pull someone down then it is to bring them up.

2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? ¹⁵What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? ¹⁶What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
¹⁷"Therefore come out from them
and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."

I am going to miss some of the friendships I had this past year and I am not writing them off as something of the past but I think it is a wonderful thing that there are more Amazing people when you share the same connection-Jesus Christ.

A goodbye is not spoken and meant in its full content when a Real friendship is at hand.

where faith comes in.

"Even though I may fall flat on my face, I am realizing You Lord will be there to pick me up."

I have been praying and talking to God as well as a few great friends of mine recently.
It has been a very uncomfortable thing for the last few days. I feel the Lord is tugging at my heart and leading me a completely different way, and while I am excited about that I am not pleased.
I literally was arguing to Him and telling him that I didn't understand His plans for my life anymore. I am a very stubborn person. A lot of the times it will take me falling flat on my face before I realize that it would be so much easier to listen and obey God the first time but many of times it will almost take a whale to swallow me before I am sent on the road that God has planned for me.


I am not going to go into a large number of details because it is still something I am very much praying and thinking about. It has to do with deciding what I am meant to do with my life. I never thought I would reconsider not going to college. That has always been one of my hopes and dreams. Something I thought I was destined to do.
The more I want to avoid and pretend He is not speaking to me to louder and clearer He talks to me. I have not heard his voice this clear in a LONG time. I was telling a good friend of mine that just last night and while doing tears started to stream out of my eyes. I began to realize that this truly is of the Lord, for it was not tears of sadness but tears or anxiousness as well just surrendering.

This is a time in my life where my faith and trust really is being tested. I am really seeking prayer as well as seeking advice to those closest to me right now. This is going to be something that I feel will be a life changing event, but it will also show me A greater picture of God's plan for my life. No matter how far off it is from what I thought and very much out of my comfort zone.

The Lord reaveled to me that he is letting everything seem chaotic and out of my reach right now because he clearly told me just a few days ago "Amy, if only you would trust me and listen to my voice. I have different plans for you life." I was in complete shock.

I keep remembering Samuel thought he was hearing Eli calling out to him and repeatedly went to Eli to ask if he was calling for him.
I myself keep hearing God's voice but repeatedly doubt it is God.

"Speak, for your servant is listening." (Samuel 3:10)

"my heart desires a special k bar."

I have been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. Being fresh out of high school, with nothing holding me back it is quite easy to weigh out my options.
First of all I have not had my feet solid for awhile now, still working on getting them set. So when I think about the future it is nerve-racking to me. I begin to find myself being scared and very anxious about what lies in the future for me. I fail to have even the slightest bit of trust.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how he is going off into the military and so on. I couldn't help but think to myself, "wow. he has an actual plan. I am not even sure what classes I am going to take yet." I am a bit envious of those who seem to have it all together or at least are better acting at it then I am.

I am not sure what I want to do with my life. For as long as I can remember I always thought I knew what I wanted to do "when I grew up." There was being artist, a singer, and a writer.
Those were merely a childish dream and I soon discovered that I could not do any of these.
I am not very good at art, I love it but it is not something I am extremely talented at. I sound like a dying cat when I open my mouth to sing. Writing is something I would love to be good at but it is more of a hobby or a passion than a career. So I thought long and hard about this for quite sometime until I was in about 8th or 9th grade and I decided I wanted to be come a journalist.

Now with college approaching and its time to declare a major to plan classes as so forth. I begin to wonder If what my heart desires to do is something I am even good at, or more importantly what God wants me to do. My little brother and I were trying to figure out what he was going to eat for breakfast yesterday morning. We argued back and forth until finally he said "Well Amy my heart really desires a special K bar."
your heart's desires are always not what you should pursue. Nor are they what God has planned for you. You know? how do you separate what you want to do with what God wants you to do? I am afraid to fail once again.

I was telling the same friend the other day that I would rather just not go to school and travel. It is almost the honest truth. He is going into the military, and I am glad he is going because it will give him some time to discover things away from home and his comfort zone. It will also make him more of a man, (he is a bit of a wimp right now. haha) More importantly it will test his faith but also this change will make him grow.
I envy that.

I would honestly rather just take time off from college and life right now and get things figured out. I have still yet to solve many problems that I need to, and I feel overwhelmed and need a break. Yes summer was a good break but it was more of a time to relax than to solve things.
You heart is not always going to lead you the right way, nor will your dreams. I feel I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life but also to take the time away and grow closer to God. I need that the most right now.

I thought college was something I would be able to plan out, something that I was not going to regret, or even something I thought would finally work out my way.
Ha, it did not work out that way.
I have big plans for the 4 years. They didn't turn out exactly how I wanted.
I am frustrated with where I want to go with my life. For as long as I can remember I always had goals and dreams. Yes many of them did fail but I never felt as I do now.
Ready to give up.

Hm..
Thanks for listening.

my prayer.
I am trying to listen to your voice Lord but it is not very clear at this time in my life. Help me to hold on. Show me your Love and give me strength.

family

I never wanted to need someone because I was afraid they would disappoint me and then they would be gone and out of my world, just as quickly as they had entered into it.
I was afraid I would owe them something in return. That I would be in debt to them.
Even family. It always seemed that when ever anything went wrong, or I did something to disappoint my parents (once again) that they were never going to forget it. Most of the times, even still, is it held against me. It never seemed right. I specifically remember telling a youth leader of mine that I thought my parents only loved me because the had an obligation to love me. That is a sad thing to think when you are young.

When I was younger I wanted nothing more than grandparents who loved you and took you fishing, I though that is what I was missing in my family. Silly? Maybe so. I believed that my family was missing things “normal” families needed to be a FAMILY. As I grew older I began to see that my family was no where from perfect, we have are flaws just as everyone else does. The ideas in my mind never ceased, if anything those ideas turned to to reality and some truth.

The more time I spend with my family, the more I realize a few things. They are not HORRIBLE people, but they are not always the best for me around all the time. They bring me down and bring the worst out in me sometimes. Hey I am not saying that I do not love them, because the truth is I do. Yet I am learning more and more that sometimes it is just best to get away from even things you love, for your own good.

So I ask you- What does family mean to you?
I am sure it is completely different then my definition.
The truth is when I think of family I think of my surrogate family. Those people that have been there when I needed them the most. The people who offered me a home when I was broken offering me a shelter. I can name a few people that I consider more to be family then those who are related to me. Sad? I do not think of it that way, I see it as more of a blessing that I have those people in my life to show me how a family should be.

The point of this post is not to talk about how horrible my family is but to remind myself about how God has brought me very important people in my life to act as family to me. I was thinking about this the other day, and the people I miss when I go out of town are not usually my family I live with, but those who I consider family.

A good quote I found in a book the other day,
“We can't expect everybody to be there for us, all at once. So it's a lucky thing that really, all you need is someone. "

I have been working on this post for a good week now. This is a touchy subject for me to talk about because it is something that still bothers me and this is not the whole post. Yet, In the end all you really need is a family. You do not have to share the same blood or the same DNA but those are the people you could not imagine life without, those selective people that you truly trust. They are those people you can tell them you love them and they will return the same love with out expecting anything in return.

being a girl

How many times a day do I say "Ugh I hate being a girl,"? More than I can keep track of.
I am not necessarily saying I wish God had made me a boy, but I am just trying to make a point.
Being a girl is not an easy thing. Especially today in society. There are many times when I am aggravated because I am not the "ideal girl." I do not like wearing dresses or wearing shoes that make my feet hurt or add to my already clumsiness. I am a simple person, who would wear jeans and lip flops everyday if I could.

I love to see those girls younger than me all dressed up, with pounds on make up on their faces because that was never me. I have to hold myself back from wanting to give them a wipe for their face or making a remark. Even though I was never one of those girls to want to be noticed, or to be the center of attention, I do believe we struggle with the same things in life.

Being girl does not always mean we have to act like we have everything together, neat and organized. It does not mean that because I am a girl that there will always be drama and emotions. Being a girl is something completely different, and guys will never fully understand that. HA most of us girls will not either.

I am going to say this even though it is pretty embarrassing for me to say, but I will say it always.
I received my first kiss this summer. (I am blushing night now of course.)
I am 19 and that is pretty old not to have been kissed before now, but that is just the kind of person I am.

anyways....
because I am a girl and girls generally care more about relationships than guys do I was a bit love struck. Not necessarily for this guy but just in general. I beat myself up about this a lot for a few weeks. I felt like such a girl to act how I acted. Although in general I am always fighting emotions because it bugs me to show emotions.

I feel it I need to hide any emotions I feel, and I still do this.
I was talking to a good friend the other day and she noticed that when I say "oh it is okay," that it might not be. I catch myself saying "its okay." or "its fine," more than I should.

I do not like being a girl because I am afraid that people will find me annoying or that I am not worthy enough.

"oh she is just such a girl."

I hate the emotions as well as the false expectations that are put on a girl.
I am not an ordinary girl, I do not wish to be an ordinary girl.

a mental list I made in my brain today about the benefits or being a girl and the negatives.

positives.

1. are not expected to do all the yard work. (I helped my dad with trimming trees today, glad I will not be expected to go into the family business.)
2. Generally more kind.
3. can wear clothes other than jeans and shorts.
4. we can give someone a hug and no one question if we are gay.
5. look better in a two piece.

negatives.
1. can not as freely take off our shirts when its hot.
2. usually more emotional.
3. expected to be more put together.
4. apparently we are not allowed to have a close guy friend with out expectations to date him.
(that is just crap if you ask me. I have lots that are just amazing friends in my life.)
5.

ill think about more later.

all for a swim suit.

yes I did get into a car wreck today. I know you do not want to hear my boring story about the actual wreck, so I will spare you. What I will say is that it was not my fault, but the cop said it was because he had right of way, even though I was not moving.
Anyways. I am super sore. My shoulder and arm are killing me. I am about to go take medication and hope It is not worse tom. I am just in a bit of shock and SO grateful I am not any more hurt than I am. My car is not very pretty.

After all of this, I just was not in the best mood today. I went to a friends house to swim. I was on my way to get a new swim suit when plans changed. I rode my sisters bike there because no one would give me a ride and honestly I was not in the mood for driving.

My friend made my day to day though. He picked me up and took me for get some ice cream. I had not seen him in a while, and it was really nice to get out and have some fun. He really made my day! :)

all of this to say that, I have been doing a lot of thinking to day, and examining my life right now. Not looking towards the future and not into the past, but here, RIGHT HERE.

I am not doing much with my life right now. No car now, no job, no boy friend, no plan for college, no major decision, and no life changing things going on right now.
I am just living life.
some people would call that lame and I would agree but hey apparently this is where God wants me at the moment. Who knows why? Yet I am still listening to Him and reminding myself He is in control. I am so glad that I did not kill someone. Or that my friend and I were not seriously hurt. Even though it was on a road way and not a high way, I know it could have been so much more worse.

Things have been really crazy and stressful in my life right now, and I really did not need this to add to it all, but it will work out. From not having a job to getting my car fixed. I know it will, I just need to have faith and trust that the Lord has a plan.

I went out today, just for a swim suit, in return I got a whole more.

freedom.

You know how we have more freedom than most countries because we live in the united states?
You will always here those poeple talking about how teenagers do not understand or respect the freedom we are given.

Ha.

On a different note- Parents are suppose to give their kids freedom to make choices, and just hope they are the wise ones. They just trust that what their kids have been taught is what is God's plan and that they are able to chose what is right from wrong right?
No teenager wants over-bearing parents who are constantly breathing down their necks.
That leads to rebellion as well as just fighting amongst families.

like always I got into another fight with my parents tonight. This week we have probably gotten into it almost ever day. Although tonight was different. I have not gotten threatened to get kicked out of the house in a while now. We argued about freedom and in the end I yelled at him and told him fine but he would pay.

If you don't know a lot about me and my past then this would come as a surprise to you.
I have a very rude tone and sarcasm when it comes to those two who "raised me."
The conversation ended on a bad note and I returned home to just go straight into my room, not a "hello I am home." nope nothing.

You know, Freedom comes with age right?
Well some at least. I do not understand how parents can be so naive, and so judgmental as well as contradicting. I hate the comparison game when it comes to raising your children.

I am just really annoyed right now and really confused.

how my mind works. or better how it doesnt work.

recently I have been in this numb feeling in life.
I care, I do. Yet I am really not allowing myself to care, right now. It is just too much. So if you hear me say I do not care, I secretly do.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just do not seem to be able to face much right now, I just want to walk the other way and almost hide. Hide in my own insecurities. Hide from the past, but more importantly the truth.

I am not a person that can not handle the truth when faced with it, but this is more of a personal truth. Ill explain. I honestly do not feel very.... special or time-worthy. I really have a very low self esteem. If you know me well enough you will know exactly what I mean. It is something I am very aware of, but not something I can change. That is honestly just who I am. So when situations (such as the ones I am dealing with and have been dealing with the last couple of months) come up, I can not handle them. I do not know how to react. Let me be more specific.
I am not good at receiving complements. I am told I am a blessing blocker. I really am. So if some tells me something, I get really embarrassed and just quickly change the topic. why is that?
I hate being a girl. I love the complements but I can not allow myself to, or even to accept them.

so more recently I have been confronted with things that have made me very uncomfortable. Especially things about my past, and thing I am still struggling with. I am beginning to realize where I am on the journey I thought I had passed. I thought I had left a lot behind, but I soon came to reality that it really has not been that long. I am not implying that I am caught up by certain things, but more that I need to still be careful and maintain my faith and trust in The Lord. If it was not for Him, I would not be where I am today.

All of that to say that I am not going to push myself to hard right now, nor am I going to beat myself up for everything. I am taking the time to realize just how far the Lord has brought me, but also keeping in mind that I still have a lot of work to do in my life.

what a trip.

Honestly I was not really excited about the trip at first. When my youth leader told me to think and more importantly pray about possibly going on the trip, one of the first thoughts in my mind was "heck no." I am so grateful that God does not give up on us when we are stubborn but allows us the strength to preserver. Even though my heart was not completely calm about going, I decided it could not hurt to pray about going. For a few weeks I felt something in my heart stirring about going, I even talked to a friend about it and his heart is for missions so that may have opened my heart a bit more. I felt God wanted me to go on the trip but I of course allowed my self to think over the top, and of course logical. I told myself that the only way I was going if it was ultimately God's will. It cost over 500 dollars to go on the trip, and I was determined that if it was His plan for me togo then the money would not be a problem.

I love how when you but your faith and trust in God, and with out fully putting your mind there, you can still be blown away. I am so grateful for God soften my heart to going on this trip. I was a a leader along with 2 other people over the 8th grade girls. I was not sure how that was going to work out but I was excited about it. I really loved the time spent with the girls, either by continuously nagging on them to drink water or the one on one conversations I had with some of them.

For me word of encouragement is one of my love languages. So if it is a spoken or a written encouragement. I have been spending a lot of my quiet time in Ecclesiastes and there is one verse that really stuck out to me this week,
Ecclesiastes 7: 1. “A good name is better than a fine perfume.” I shared this with one f my girls this week and she in return wrote me a note as well. It was such a great time to be able to share with her some of my experiences as well as just to be able to sit down with her and talk about her fears and knowing I can relate to her.
I also had a chance to hang out with one of my friends this week as well. I was so glad she went. I tease that I was tired of her but the honest truth... are you ready for this?
I love her to death. I am so grateful for her friendship. I have only known her a short time but her friendship means more to be than some of my close friends. She has spoken so much into my life for the short time I have known her. She is just an honest and real person and the he girls adore her.

There were many other times when I had the honor of seeking through some of the girls lives, but they also in return really taught me so much this week. Some of them are some of the strongest people I have met, while others of them are filled with so much Joy from God, that they are encouragements to me. I could continue to go on and on about this week because it really was an amazing week. I am so excited to form stronger relationships with them as well as other. I am praying about investing more into their lives this month as well as in the future. I believe that is what God wants me to do this month. I am really excited.

mission trip

leaving on a mission trip tom. or actually today
It is exciting because really this the my first trip (besides the senior trip) with my new church.
I am really excited to see what the Lord has planned for me this week.
It is going to be amazing to see the relationships grow as well as strengthen between our group and those we are going to help.

I am a bit sad as well because a good friend of mine just got back into town from a trip and another one is leaving to go to port a to work for the whole summer.

we are just passing each other right by. I did get to see both of there lovely faces tonight, that was reassuring but at the same time it is a bit sad how we are all moving in different directions. this is the first glance of how life will be in a few months.
I am saddened and happy right now.


not to mention that I just got into it with my father. (i call them "respectfully" when I am angry) so we are leaving on bad terms as usual.
which is not surprising but I think we are beginning to see each other eye to eye that his authority over me is not the same as it was when I was 5.

I dont know.
keep me in your prayers this week.
I have been having a rough week this week. With just everything.
I am excited to take this week off.
especially from work drama, as well as the hours put into work.

off I go.

I needed this.

just as I am about to go to bed. REALLY frustrated with everything that is going on right now in my life. I fail to remember to go to God!
I decided I would continue to read Ecclesiastes 4. As I have been reading the last few nights.
I AM IN AWE of the two verses I believe God is telling me right now.
I want to elaborate on this later but I will give a quick summary now.

the first is 4 verse 16. "...This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." You will not find true happiness until you completely open your heart to God. or in my situation, I wont find love or a relationship until I fully allow myself to be loved, or even more deeper to allow myself to love MYSELF and love God and accept his love. (easier said than done.)
I am hurting right now. I am hurting you hear?
I will flat out say it.
I may always try to hid it and I can be good at it. BUT I am tried of trying that right now.
yes, yes God may be working through my life but its too much right now. I don't want to deal with it.
I just want to draw myself out of those relationships, and I will.

I need that right now.



verse two.

Ecclesiastes 4:2 and 3.
"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart..... let your words be few."
"as a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words."

if that does not tell you enough then you need to read those two verses again and again.
I feel I need to just take a break from talking. Not to be quick to speak especially with what is going on right now.
PLUS I just do not feel like explaining myself right now, nor do I need to.
I am not saying if a good friend comes up to me and asks what is going on,
I am not going to avoid them like a plague but I do not necessarily have to make them believe me or justify myself.

But most importantly I am not going to try so hard to make anything work.
I am going to go with the flow. Let someone indicate the conversation this time.
I am tired of talking.
I am tired of going in circles with you.
I am finished.
MY heart is closed, my thoughts are jumbled,
my heart is confused, my brain is tired.
I am physically and emotionally worn out.

My birthday was a really good one. I am now officially old. Birthdays do not excite me, not at all. WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE A DAY WHERE YOU GET OLDER? Not me thats for sure. I met with a friend before my birthday and she told me she thought I had a pride problem. I do not believe that to be the case at all. I am just not one who likes to be the center of attention. I never have, and doubt I will ever be. “Happy birthdays” and singing make me embarrassed.

I did not even realize my birthday was coming up. When growing up you count down weeks and weeks beforehand to the very day, when you get older things change. Just as an old women would need reminding, I was reminded several times my birthday was approaching. It took the reminding for me.
I was more focused on graduating that it slipped my mind.

Finally the day came. I convinced my brother to go with me to the gym around 11 the night before.
I went swimming and received tons of text messages to start off the celebrating. I went home late to find myself just to wake up early. I went for a run with my father and he teased me that I was old and my 5 year old brother could keep up with the pace now.

I went to lunch with my mom and my siblings. Then I went to swim and hang out with friends and went swimming. I had to leave to help my mom cook an enchilada dinner for some of my friends and myself of course. I had a pretty fun dinner hanging out and laughing. Then a couple of my friends stayed over late and we watched two movies. I was a bit sad that a good friend of mine ( :D) did not make it but I was blessed with the people that did come. We stayed up late laughing and just hanging out. One friend of mine told me today that he felt bad that he did not know it was my birthday, even though I had invited him to hang out. I am not that person to advertise my birthday. Unfortunately that is what facebook is for.

It was a good day. I had low expectations for the day, and really glad I was proven wrong.

graduation

graduation was at first a scary thing. It meant transitioning from high school to the "real world."

I am being dramatic yes, but it was somthing that was not comfortable to me. I was nervious and a bit sad yesterday, I could barley even focus enough to run the errands I needed to accomplish.

I was making things more complcated then needed to be. I cried a few times that day, I was extreamly happy but about the same level of sadness.

finally it was time for graduation and I was a complete mess. I was running late and very nevious and upset at my mother for adding to my choas. The ceremony was long but my youth leaders kept me entertained by texing me.

All of this to say, that until the actual moment I walked across the stage it really had not hit me yet that I actually made it. After everything was over, we threw up our caps, that was the first moment I felt free. Free from high school, free from childesh things, free to move on!
I was so happy that night that a friend of mine could tell from my text messages, how hyper I was.

I went to hang out with one of my favorite people then went back to the party and hung out with everyone until around 6 and then went to bed for an hour.

I was high on emotions that I did a few things that I knew I shouldn't have or even things I knew I should have but didn't. but I am leaving everything in God's hands. I honestly could not have made it this far with out him and I am not planning on trying to go any further with out Him.

I am excited to see what HE has planned for my life.
I am waiting not always pacient but I know His hand is holding me and His steps are before me.
I am excited. I really am.