feeling the need to go UP.

I am a chid because I have not experienced all there is. I am closer to being an adult because I wish to experience more and the childish things are no longer appealing to me.

Age does not determine when you are mature, it is the wisdom and the guidance you have that determines if you are ready to step out into this world on your own. Stay a child as long as you want, please, but no that the longer you take the harder it will be. It is a comfort zone to not have to transition but I guarantee you the step towards becoming an adult is worth all the trouble. I no longer wish to be a child because I want to grow up and experience life, yes I envy a child's love for wanting to live life but I want more than colorful rainbows and band aids that make a cut stop hurting. I want scars and heart aches. 

I want adventure and passion to be a part of my life. I want love and relationships that are meaningful and are long lasting but glorify God and ones that we lift each other up. I want to be a vessel for God, and no longer depend on others as a source of guidance. I want to experience life! I want to make my life meaningful and I want to encourage others. I want to be used. I want to feel lead and not allow things to hinder me. I want life and I want all that is meant for my life. I am sorry if you are one of the people I am talking about but I am no longer letting my feeling get in the way. 

I am grateful for the laughs and the time spent together but honestly I feel I am not going any where with some of you. I long for relationships, I long for someone I can trust and depend on. I want you to feel you can depend on me for the same. Yes I do love those relationships where I can let go and just be me and have some fun, I am not necessarily talking about those. I am talking about the ones that are wearing me out. I am done putting effort into the relationship where I am just hurt, not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because it is wearing me down and we are not building each other up as we are meant to do. More importantly because our relationships is not pleasing to God, it is standing in my way.

As I grow older I begin to see which relationships mean something to me and which are mealy just there for convenience. As I am going to hopefully go off to college soon I began feel sadness about falling out of touch with some friends. To be completely honest there are some people that I cant not even begin to express how happy I will be to disconnect from then. Sounds bad? It is honesty.

I went to see a children's move called UP tonight, with a friend of mine. I was a bit cheesy but that was expected. I was not sure how exactly the night would turn out because I used to be really good friends with this person and more recently we have no longer been close. It was a good night but I couldn't help but feel it would not be repeated anytime soon. Where that usually might bother me, didn't phase me much if any tonight. I did not feel much of a need to have to keep the conversations going nor did I care very much to recall life events that she may not have heard about. God is really working in my life where I am not in a place of needing approval of anyone for that matter.

I am content and grateful for the strong few relationships I have now.

I went to a friends house the other day and all we did was sit around and talk about life, relationships. School and so on. It was one of the best nights I have had in the longest times.

Then I met a friend for happy hour yesterday and I loved it. She and I enjoyed our slushies and caught up on life. There was a time at my life where I cried out to God for friendships because I was longing for relationships and I was searching in hope to find meaning in my life.... and so on. All that to say as I look back and read those journals I am saddened that I was once at that point in my life but I am so much more grateful that I am now where I am.

I know I am not grow up but I like to say I am no longer a child. I am starting to realize there is a middle between being an adult and being a child. Now I am ready to leave the childishness things behind and I am ready to face responsibility and to to grow up. Not to say I am not scared, I am frightened but I am excited.  

WOW

As I look at where I am right now in life, it leaves me thinking.

Time has really passed and so much has changed even from a few months ago.

I am not always grateful for who I am but I am excited to see who I will become, in time but most importantly with the help of my Heavenly father.

My dad and I went to dinner tonight, just the two of us. While it was an awkward time it was a okay time as well. We bickered a little bit about college and the issues of paying for it, as well as some other controversial issues. We talked a lot about allowing your background to make you who you are. I argued that despite your background you can become a completely different person. I was talking to a friend earlier and I was reminded yet again about how they are such a great person regardless of some crap that they have gone through growing up. They could easily be sulking and be a miserable person or maybe even not to that extent but could very easily be a completely different person, walking down the wrong path because they feel their current situation is too much or so on. Yet they are stronger than they realize and through out the short time I have known this person, I can honestly say I admire this person's happiness as well as courage to trust in God and live life to the fullest, without anything holding them back.

I look at some other friends and I see where life has brought them either through the time I have known them or even more recently those who I have just begun to form a relationship with. I have developed some of the best relationships in the past few months. Ones that I value more than some that have been a constant in my life. I have been able to trust more and more because of these relationships, and I also am learning how to be REAL and how to have a REAL relationship.

I love that through time I am right here, where I believe I am suppose to be at this time. I love that those who I needed in my life are now a huge part of my life. As I look off to college but mainly right now the end of my high school years I cant help but to be happy and sad at the same time. I am glad I have come a long way out of some things that held me back from living. I am happy to have a never ending options to how I can live life in the future. Yet I am sad to think about where I might be in a few years and having the possibilities in my head that in the future I will not be on the right track and that I missed out on opportunities. I am afraid of time passing me by without knowing what to do or even not realizing how short of time I have.

I also look at how in time I have been brought some amazing friends who just know how to make my day, and who I trust with almost anything. That when they do ask how I am doing I am able to tell them the truth and they will do the same when I ask them.

I have a little over a week until I graduate. SCARY! I feel as if I am not prepared! What a scary feeling! I spend so much time thinking that I constantly drive myself crazy.

I am excited to be out of high school and not to have to deal with all the crap that goes along with being in high school or in a public school for that matter. At the same time I am sad and a bit scared.

Time has flown by, where was I all this time?

Did I spend my time wisely?

Am I a good person? Could I be a better person?

Is there a problem with me?

Or even am I considered a friend as I consider others to be to me? 

time.

Time is running out. 

it feels there is a timer that is set, and that once it runs out we are forced to respond in a hastily, productive manner. 

over exaggerating? possibly so.  

Its just annoying to watch everyone in my class as well as others my age, already having things figured out.  I am usually not one to be left in the dust, but I am one to be in the middle, keeping a steady pace. However, these last few years have pushed me behind the others, where I am not just trying to find a way to gather myself to even find the strength to run again or even walk in the right direction. It really is bothering me. 

my brother is having a similar problem, but his is more complicated then mine. 

it hurts me to watch him struggle and fail just as I have. I went to talk to the counselor the other day and she figured out that we were related and started to ask me about my brother and what I thought on the situation. I gave her my opinion as well as a honest truth. I told her that we have not received much, or even any support about schooling from our parents. It is something I have realized in the past, but not remembered recently.

I walked out of her office feeling saddened and dumbfounded at my stupidity. 

I am so confused as well as distressed about that whole situation. I was talking to a good friend the other day, telling her some of this very thing and she gave me some meaningful advice. I know I am suppose to put this in God's hands and allow him to take care of this. Yet is so easy for me to want to sick around to help out. 

I am still not sure where I am meant to go to college. My dream was to go to colorado and study journalism, but lately I have been side tracked. 

I am so confused. My heart is telling me one thing while my mind is misleading. How do you distinguish which is your heart and which is your emotions or mind? 

I am afraid to leave my family, not because I am attached to them. (I am not at all, I am always bickering with them.) I know it would be a good thing for me to get away and figure some things out on my own. When I moved out of the house in the beginning of this year it was honestly some of the best and hardest months this year. Although I learned so much, and it was what I needed to get back on track, emotionally as well as spiritually. 

None of this scares me, leaving my family, being on my own. 

I am afraid of what will happen when I leave, to my brothers. My childhood was rough and I know I bear a lot of resent and hate towards my parents. I am praying that God will help me let go of that. It is taking time and I feel a bit more freedom. I am just worried that I will not be around to teach my little brother the things I was never taught, or to let him experience life with out our parents breathing down our backs. 

I could continue on this if you would like. Believe me I need to get it out. 

I was honored with the privileged to attend a few graduation parties and well as a graduation this weekend, it was a pretty good end to a horrible week. As I went to a few friends graduations this weekend, I was not only inspired as well as grateful for their friendships I will honestly say I was a bit envious. I am not an amazing person, I am just average. I look at them, and their lives I begin to think that my life was a bit of a waste. 

I then have to remind myself that is not of God to think that way, yet I cant help it. 

I have come a long way from where I once was 4 years ago or even 5 months ago. 

God is continuously working through my life, and that I am grateful for. I am so honored and grateful that he has not given up on me, despite my stubbornness as well as my rebellion. 

this post my seem as if I am down and in the dumps, and I am to in extent but I am working things out, with myself but more importantly with God. 

things are coming to an end and it is frightening. 

but I will be fine. 

thanks to those of you who keep me in your prayers.

but more importantly thank you for those who make me talk, especially the times when I don't feel like it, but I want to. 

if you want more on what has been bothering, do not hesitate to ask. I am not guaranteeing an answer but I am not afraid to talk, because I know the conversations I do have with friends are the best conversations  I have ever had. 

swaying this way and that way.

A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.

A state of mental agitation or disturbance:

The part of the consciousness that involves feeling;

A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.

A state of mental agitation or disturbance:

The part of the consciousness that involves feeling;

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETEWEEN A FEELING AND AN EMOTION?

I decided to look up both definitions and they are synonyms for each other. Does that mean they do mean the same, or they are similar. I can feel something but not let me emotions show, or I my face can show an emotion but I am not always feeling something. Right?

I work with this one kid, not trying to be rude, but he is home schooled.

He had not social skills what so ever nor does he have many emotions at all. Everyone thinks he is strange because of it, and Ill admit I so most of the time as well. Although at the same time I am not good at showing feelings as well yet me emotions will be all over my face, and that is not something I can control no matter how much I would like to.

If you know me well enough you know that my face says everything, sad or anything else. It some times bothers me because it is obvious when I am not having a good day or I am just down. Although at the same time you will know when to leave me alone. :)

I am not at all good at talking about feelings or even being honest about then. A good friend called me last night and we talked on the phone for a bit and It was hard for me to talk about how I felt and be completely honest because I am not good at those things. It was a good talk though and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love being able to talk on the phone and when needed discuss how you feel or even just talk about what is bothering each other in life. Not many people are capable of doing so.

Like my friend said last night my respect level greatly increased for them because we could talk about what needed to be talked about and yes I will be honest and say it was a tiny bit awkward but I wouldn't have been able to with anyone else.

I am still thinking about my emotions and feelings. This week has been really tough because in some situations I have let me emotions get in the way of my feelings or vice versa. In other situations I have allowed other people to almost change my feelings, they could easily put me in a bad mood or the could upset me, or even times I would get excited about different things. I REALLY AM ANOYED of emotions and feelings right about now. This is really vague but I am so tired and a bit frustrated right now, so this is all for now. 

relationships

relationships.

oh man,

I have been thinking a lot about relationships. I really am no good at keeping them or even making them. I will freely admit that. I think some of it has to do with my family, I am not pointing fingers or putting the blame on them. I am just telling the truth.

I have had some amazing talks with some friends this week, just about different relationships and how they play a role or influence in my life.

Honestly I have been enjoying spending more time with people from my church than my other friends. Not because I don't value their friendships anymore but I don't have much in common with them at this point in my life. I have also been getting a lot of crap because of my choice to see the people from church, or attending activities. I would let it bother me and it would put me in a bad mood, but I stopped and realized it really doesn't matter what other people think, I would rather spend my time with REAL people and form relationships with them then artificial relationships that do not build me up, if anything tear me down.

It is easier to be pulled down then to pull someone up. When someone told me that it really impacted me because there are so many times when a friend from school can easily say something that is hurtful because i believe it is the devil trying to get at me, or even something as simple as we just don't meet eye to eye because of our differences in morals. 

I used to be so self centered and I was just out to have a good time, what ever that involved. But I am beginning to realize you don't have to go out and party and get drunk, you can have just as much fun pleasing the lord and having clean fun. Just like the other day, hanging out with some amazing people, putting foil on our faces and making a movie, or going to grab jamba juice with a friend and just enjoying each others company.I am learning that I have some friendships I greatly value over others.

I still am no good at relationships but I am asking and praying for God to allow me to have Godly relationships and ones that last.

So if you are one of the people I have mentioned, thanks for being patient with me and just being a great friend. I am working on my relationships and thinking about the ones I had or would like to have.

if you look at my family, either side, they cant hold a relationship.Most of my aunts and uncles are deforced or single but have kids from a previous marriage, an affair, on their second or who knows how many. Sad really, but its how they are. Oh you can even look at my cousins. THEY ARE A MESS! Almost all of them have had so many boy friend/girl friends that we lose track. most of them have gotten themselves pregnant or their Girl friend. Its quite sad because none of them are on good terms with the other, or they are not even with them. It just creates more single parents or kids with out parents. It saddens me.

so some what this effects me, Yet I am one of the few in my family not to have gotten pregnant or been in multiple relationships. Although if you know me you know I have never been in a relationship. I have never had a boy friend. Yes I have likes guys and they have liked me in return but once again the relationship failed, on my part perhaps? I sometimes think about this, more often then other times. It bothers me, not so much that I am a needy person, or a dependent. I hate people that are, I have a few friends like that, they bother the crap out of me. Because we should not be dependent one people, it just leads to disappointment, save to sat about half of the time? I am not one to be dependent on anyone really, not because I don't want the security but that is just not in my nature.

I stop to think about my own relationships often. I have never had a boy friend like I have said, not because I don't want one, or because I am waiting on the right guy that I am going to marry but there must be a sign on me that I can not see that says stay away from her, her relationships fail. Someone care to help me find it so I can remove it?

I used to let this bother me more than it does now, because I m one to put blame on myself or find a fault in me. Maybe perhaps because I long for answer? I am not sure exactly. There are a lot of times I know the devil allows me to believe things that may not be true but I believe them anyways. I quite often hear myself telling myself that I am not good enough or worthy of having time invested into me. Or that I am not special enough for someone to like me for who I am. If you know me very well then you will know that many of times I will apologize for being a bother or for simple things, and I am not trying to be annoying but that is how I honestly feel most of the times.

relationships. a good or bad thing?

When I think about the people in my life who have most influenced me or even those who have been in my life, and those who no longer are in my life, I stop to thank God.
Influences can either be positive or negative. Therefor, Relationships are part of life, growing up and strengthen your walk with God.
I am blessed beyond belief at some of the relationships I have had and still have to this day. So many people have encouraged me growing up that I owe them everything. If it was not for a few of these people I don’t know if I would be here today or if I would even be the same person.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships this past few weeks and this week as well. Some of the things I have thought about have really put a toil on my and reminded me of some things I thought I was over, but found out I wasn’t quite yet.

I had an argument with a friend a week ago, or maybe it was two weeks ago, I am not sure. Anyways, she basically told me things that really bothered me and kind of hurt me as well. I was in a really bad mood this week because of it, and almost everyone could see it in my face. I am not sure if it was so much what she said but that she was actually saying it to me.

I am not so great at friendships; I think it is one of my down falls. There have been many people that have come in and out of my life for various reasons, and some have deeply hurt me.

Honestly I am not a big people person yet I some times enjoy people.
I am a big people watcher.

(There is more thought on this subject but that is all for now. Ill continue perhaps tomorrow.)

thinking

Ive been doing a lot of thinking as well as trying to pray.
that is not something that comes easily to me.
Most of the time I can not find it within myself to pray.
there is some reason behind that.

but today was a good time with Him.
I was on my way to the post office and turned off my music and just started to talk to God.
I am really brain scattered right now,
and still thinking about things,
mostly things that are bothering me.
A lot is bothering me.
but hey I am going to work these things out with God.
matthew 6:25-26 is what I am thinking about right now.

may I call you friend?

I am not having the best week, last week was not GREAT but it surpassed this week.
just a random note.
bare with me I have a lot on my mind.
if I lose you I am sorry.

I care, I care,
How much should I stress that?
I long for love that is real and deep.
If your love only meets the surfaceAnd stops there,
That won’t work for me,
Too much to expect?

I can’t understand why it’s hard-
For me to love.
If I tell you I love you.
Then know I mean it.
That is not something that comes easy to me.

There is no shield blocking.
No detour involved
.I am not one to walk around with a mask,
Yet why can’t you see who I am?

It hurt when I was told I wasn’t liked-
For who I am.
What is wrong with me?
Something must be.

I am not trying to gain the approval.
Of anyone for that matter,
That is not worth my time.
Don’t you see?
But then why did it hurt to hear-
I am a disappointment?
Not the first time
That was spoken.
It still hurt the same
It was not expected.
Or had occurred in a while.

I can’t keep a relationship,
Not even with a friend.
I stop to think-
Something wrong with me?
Indeed.
I am not a bad person,
Is that what you see?
My friend- may I call you that?
I am not worth your time and effort.
I don’t have much to give.
So why does it seem there a lot to lose?
I don’t have much to contribute.
Yet I try so hard.

There is a sadness that is within
,Some in the process of dealing with.
And the other bit is uncovered,
I am giving it to God.
I can’t deal with it alone.

Time is passing,
A moment, a breath too quickly.
I need to find peace
Just to get on with the day.

This is not to make you feel sorry for me,
Nor for you to feel you need to encourage me
.This is just me thinking out loud
and
A request for prayer.
I need the fruits of the spirits.
But mostly I need strength.
I am not sulking,
I am not depressed
I am just not having the best few days.
But I believe there is A GREATER JOY TO BE FOUND.

hey hey hey.

I thought I might as well introduce myself a little bit.
since this is a new blog.
so Ill just start with saying 80 ramdom things about me.
how about that?
leave me a comment, I want to know what you have to say.

1. I am 5'2 but I pretend I am 5'3.

2. I want to "grow up" and become a journalist. For a magazine, that is what I really want, but we will see.

3. I have to always be saying something. So sometimes I will use filling words- to feel the silence. or make random noises. you will soon realize that if you spend time with me.

4. I only have one tattoo right now. but one of these days I will have LOTS. my next one I should be getting with-in this month, I hope.

5. I have a fear of needles.

6. one of the most random, loudest people you will meet.

7. I have a huge fear of flying. not because I fear of crashing. I get really sick and anxious when flying. The last time I flew I yelled at my sister and then started to cry. I know I am so lame.

8. I really don’t enjoy the beach as much as most people do. I could never live there. only visit, often.

9. I am in love with heights, I am most often found in trees or on the top of a building or roof. That is just who I am.

10. I am a vegetarian. not because I want to save the animals or for religious purposes. I have a few reasons- that I will share with you if you ask. well there is a chance I will. ask if you would like.

11. toasters make me jump.

12. biggest scaredy cat

13. i love finishing my sentences with........ (multiple dots, for no reason at all.)

14. I am the worlds most horrible speller-EVER.

15. deep down I want to be able to speak spanish fluently,

16. yoga and pillates are my favorite.

17. I want to be a ninja.

18. I have gone to many different shrinks and counselors I have some pretty good stories.

19. when I am sad or stressed, I bite my nails or fingers.

20. I am very opinionated.

21. all I really eat is cheese and bread.

22. San Antonio is lame. I am dying to move.

23.If I don’t like you, or you irritate me I will let you know.

24. My dream since I was little is to open an orphanage.

25. when I am bored and I am standing some where(it can be anywhere) I tap dance.

26. I have always loved twins or multiples.

27. I do not cry a lot, but when I do Its not a pretty sight. My face gets red and puffy.

28. I am guilty of worrying.

29. If I am tired my nose itches, and my friends get grossed out about my itch nose disease as we call it.

30. I locked the door on my finger one time, and did not realize it until I tried to walk away.

31. I am not a hypochondriac. I am genuinely

always sick.

32. I have an unhealthy fear of crickets.

33. I push the limits. especially my parents.

34. I keep changing the number at the top.

35. I overuse smiley faces J

36. I have a very interesting past.

37. I would love to share my past with you if you would like.

38. I am addicted to pain killers. well some times.

39. you cant watch me take a pill, I have to shove it down.

40. Tina Dorrough helped my addiction for jamba juice.

41. I am a huge fan of notes. write me one and I will love you forever.

42. I prefer cold weather over hot weather any day.

43. I told my dad I was on drugs.

44. I hate the smell of mustard or mayo.

45. I do not have the physical capability to throw up, I just gag.

46. I cant believe you are still reading this. or that I have this much to say.

47. actually I can believe I have this much to say.

48. I often correct myself, I would not call it lying.

49. I set my clock 10 mins fast.

50. I love people who are REAL.

51. I am in need of a filter on my mouth.

52. I am hoping to be moving to Denver next year.

53. I did not start staying the night away from home until I was around the age of 14 maybe? I used to cry or make up an excuse that I was sick.

54. my mom used to tell me she could be making money off of me, cause I can make myself cry if I need to.

55. I love maps.

56. I love photography. you should see my computer it is full with pictures. oh and my camera.

57. my sister tried to run over me with her barbie car. we still don’t get along much.

58. I am the black sheep of my family

59. I can make myself sick

60. hate math.

61. touch my ears and I will scream.

62. I don’t get along with really ANY of my family.

63. smoking is a gross habit.

64. No one really understands me.

65. I am a fan of snail mail.

66. I am a stress smoker.

67. my dad used to call me a devil child or tell me I was full of the devil. He has not said it recently.

68. I really don’t ever sleep.

69. I almost finished a whole box of cheez-it’s working on this.

70. I take a shower about 3 times a day.

71. I have a teeth brushing problem. I always have a tooth brush with me.

72. you can tell when I am having a bad day.

72. I have so much more to write.

73. my expressions on my face tell you everything.

74. I hate make-up yet if i am not wearing anything then you know I am not doing the greatest.

75. ask me how many layers I have on.

76. the smell of fresh cut grass is amazing.

77. I love gilmore girls.

78. I love names. and finding out what they mean.

79. amy is a short name. I dont like it. I used to tell my mom I was going to change it.

80. I love reading.