learning to trust and to learn when its time.

I have the hardest time trusting anyone. Its something I am really working on.
God has really battled with me this year about learning to trust Him, others and even myself. It is not something I am comfortable with.

One thing I have really had to learn was to wait. There is a distinction between waiting out of obligation and willingly waiting. As the semester came to an end I was eager to preserver with what I thought I wanted in life, soon I would realize that would come to a confining halt.

I have been running off of little to no motivation. Working two jobs as well as juggling school and friends, can become tiring. I would go weeks with out talking to the people that meant the most in my life, because I just "didn't feel" like catching them up about my life. I began to become a bitter person because I was not happy where I was in life. I began to think I would be judged for my progress.


To allow myself to trust was as if the sky was falling. It seemed painful and uncomfortable as well as something that could never happen.
I am grateful for those friends who have not given up on me but still are my friends despite my many flaws and insecurities and issues :) My friend Taylor really has pushed me this semester about trusting and even shown me how to just be okay with my circumstances and surroundings. I am surprised that she has not given up on me, and I am thankful for that.

God has really been tough on me the past few months. At first it was my natural instinct to become defensive and angry.
He has really taught me how to trust and how to wait for HIS TIMING. I have tried so many times to surpass it but I will find myself at his feet and asking for his patience.

God really is showing me how trust is an important part of my life, and something that I really struggle with. A week ago a good friend of mine shared how he felt about me. I am the kind of person that does not share emotions nor do I know how to handle them. I just beat myself up for being a "dumb girl" is what I call it.
I was a bit mad for awhile because I couldn't fathom why it was the right timing now and not a few months ago. Even though then I would have reacted possibly worse. I am being reminded that friendships take work and time. Not just wanting a friendship to grow and a relationship to be formed overnight. But loving every bit of the journey and the time.

I have talked about a particular friend more than once in these blogs.
He really has encouraged me to trust and encouraged my relationship with God, even in his own walk. He is back for a few more days before he leave and becomes "Mr marine man" again.


These is just two of the people I am learning to trust and seeing how much I need and love relationships especially friendships. I have not been the easiest person to get to know this year, nor have I been the most pleasant person to be around either.
I am just so grateful for the grace I have been given as well as learning God's timing is so worth waiting for, instead of wasting time and ended up even farther behind then I was.

college.

I always wanted to go to a big university. I have wanted this since I was younger. I thought that was the only way I would ever go to college. My high expectations failed.
I am just about to complete my first semester of college, and you wanna hear something? I am okay with that. I have learned so much this semester.
I am big with lists so here it is.

1. I have learned how much I love my family, even though I am ready to get out of the house.
2. I have seen who are actually my true friends. It has been impossible to keep up with any of them who have left San Antonio, and even with those who live here.
3. I know what to look forward to.
4. I have had some amazing opportunities and times here in my home town.
5. I have met some pretty amazing people this semester, at work and at school.
6. I have learned where I stand with God,
7. there are many more.

I really have met some great people in my classes, especially my photography class.
We have become so close that I am not sure I am going to handle not seeing them. At first I was a bit surprised at how many older people where in my photography class, but not soon after I was grateful. You hear way too often that older people have stories and wisdom, but until I met them I did not believe this to be 100% true.
I loved the hour talks we would have before class, or the time in the lab.
They are amazing people,
from talking about one ladies husband dying from cancer, to one girls mom suffering from cancer, to talking to mom's about their kids, to gaining knowledge about photography from professionals, to talking about religion and even talking to veterans about war and what they went through.
I have loved getting to see their photography, it really is a way to express yourself.
I do not know what I am going to go next semester, it seemed that most of my time at school was spent in the journalism building. Its funny but all through high school I lived in the journalism room. I spend every day in their my senior year especially. I ate, I slept, I worked and I enjoyed life in that class.

IT WAS my life in high school. Year book that is.

I guess my life wasn't really different this year than last year.
I suppose that was a comfort thing.
I am taking a break from being in the journalism building this semester to focus on my core classes. However I will promise one thing, it will not last long. JOURNALISM IS MY MAJOR. :)


thanks for reading,
sorry it was hard to follow

blog.

I have not been keeping up this blog as much as I would like.
I have however been enjoying my 365 day blog.
take a look :)


http://amys-365dayjourney.blogspot.com

356 day journey

I started my 365 day journal again.
I am hoping that through this I will see how much I am going to grow over the next year.
Life is different right now, its been really hard to adjust.
I am not where I wish I was in my life right now, but I have not given up
nor have I lost my faith.
I am just struggling a bit, but I am looking forward to what is to come.

http://amys-365dayjourney.blogspot.com/
thanks for reading,
amy marie

guy friend vs. girls.

Today was a pretty great day. I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in months. He went off to boot camp and is now a United States Marine. I am so proud of him. We were able to catch up a bit, but it was really just nice to be able to see him again. It was fun to be able to tease him, like old times, but he has changed a lot. I am so excited to see what God has already done in his life, but will also continue to do. We talked about having a conversation with people who have "a story" and honestly this kid has a story now, yes it may be the same as others but its his view, it is who God has called him to be. I have learned so much from him this past year we have been friends. What is like to preserver, to grow in faith, to encourage one another, but also how be open. I really missed just talking to him.

I really have missed having those guys I could talk to, or even just having them as friends. I do have friends that are girls that I can talk to but it is not the same as the ones I hung out with this summer. I could call or text them and they would listen. Or we would have random outings. I need more of that in my life right now, even if it is only a letter every now and then.

I love those friends that you can see and there is no awkwardness, or it is okay to have a few silent moments because its their face you want to see.

One of my friend's dad made a comment today that mad me think. He said "You chose good guys to hang out with. One day these two will make great husbands." I never thought about that until now. Wow how strange but I do believe it to be true.

I doubt either one of them will read this but I know it is true. I think they are great guys and those who will marry them are some luck gals. Honestly, I think they deserve the best and I am not afraid to tell them that either, its okay if they dont want to hear it, ill still tell them :)
because I would hope they would do the same for me. 

I have been almost beating myself down lately because I look at three of my friends and I see how much they have done in the past months and what they have accomplished as well as what they now have become and I cant help but think I am not doing anything compared to them.

I feel God has a calling on my life, but I am too stubborn and blind to see it right now.

All of this to say that I am grateful for those guys in my life that really have encouraged me the past years, and have been a good friend in my life, I could use more of these friendships that I believe are God sent. Even though we are going are separate ways I believe God will always bring us back, but we wont lose contact :).
You are the greatest, strongest, bravest and most driven people. 
I am praying for you all each and everyday. For you life, for your focus to be on God, for God to give you strength, and courage, but now also for your spouses :) 

thanks for reading,

relationship status.

I was always waiting on that someone

wishing they would notice me.

trying so hard to ignore those
who did but I wish they wouldn't.

I have gone through so many different

"relationships" even just friendships.

I strive for relationships, real relationships,

not just surface ones.

I do not call myself experienced, 

I have just had enough of relationships 

to determine the difference between the two.

More and more recently I have been asked, 

"oh do you have a boy friend?"

My answer remains the same. "no, no I do not." 

I get the oddest stares from the person. It used to bother me but over the years but even within this year it does not bother me as much. This morning we had a group meeting at work and even though we work with each other we do not know much about the other. One of my questions they asked was of course, was if I had a boyfriend. They all wanted to hook me up or questioned why. 

I just smiled and of course blushed. 

To be completely honest It does not phase me anymore. I am really trying to figure out my life, and where I will be next year. I have goals and dreams and I believe those come first right now. It would be great if God sent me someone who wanted to chase the same dreams and had the same goals in mind but 

I do not want to change myself completely for that person. 

I see some many girls or even guys change their whole way of life or drop everything for the other. Some times it a good thing, but sometimes they are forgetting their dreams,

putting them on hold, not reaching their full expectations. 

I want to be able to be myself with everyone I meet. I want people to see me as real, not just a friendly face. 

There are enough of those in the world.

I want to have amazing relationships, ones that I love being with that person. There are some people I am friends with but our friendship only goes so far. Where there are those people I wish I could spend more time with, who I can tell everything to. I can do anything with these people and I just enjoy the time spent with them. I love them because they are not afraid to be themselves, 

they are not afraid to let some scars show, 

or to let some blemishes come uncovered. When I tell them I want to hang out with them I mean it. Its not just something I say to them using it as a "filler word." 
 
They are just REAL.

 I talk about these people a lot, 

because I could just not imagine life without them.

To sum all of this rambling up, I am content with my life,

my relationship status and my relationships. 

I do not know where life is taking me but what I do know is that I am not going to change who I am for anyone. I do not know who will come in and out of my life this year but 

I do know it will be a great journey. 

I do know it will not be perfect and I completely except that.

thanks for reading,

another hour brings more things to ponder

I thought I knew who you were. It is 6 in the afternoon, and I am reconsidering even who I am.
The sun has now set and the night is reached its peak.
The moon is shinning over your head and mine.
The thought that the moon light is a sleeve over head the both of us makes the winter seem bearable. The weather here I am sure is unlike anything you are used to.
Although is can be unfortunately humid, there are some pleasant days even though they may be scarce.

The days here seem to get shorter. Time is passing by quickly. I am apprehensive that I am running out of time. I have lost so much time in the past that I can not afford to do so again.

Do you hear the ringing noise? could you call my phone so I can relocate it.
that may just be a scheme just to hear your voice.
It would help to just hear a voice besides my own.

I rest my bed against the frame of my bed, as I close my eyes and hope that the time has changed. As a child wishing for another hour to stay awake, I wish for another hour but for a unknown reason.

Dreams and reoccurring, tireless thoughts have interrupted my sleep. I can barely function anymore.

I am not sad nor am completely happy. It is a blank emotion on my face. My face usually tells how I am feeling. I am an easy person to read.
I search in anguish for the accurate emotion to convey. What is my face telling you?
as 7 approaches I begin to wonder how long will it take for this headache to go away,
or how long it will take for my brain to function again
even how long it will take me to open my heart and learn to use my voice.

what has changed.

I took the day off to visit some friends in San Marcus today.
I even forgot about the time and had to call into work today. They were not very happy with me, and as much as I know it was a irresponsible thing to do I really just needed today to relax and not think about work or really anything at all for that matter. I have been really stressed as well as upset (i suppose that is the correct word) and I have had stomach pains recently because of that.

I went up to see two of my favorite people. It was really nice just to have lunch with them and catch up on life. I did get to see another friend of mine, and that was nice as well, but I felt I was bothering him, or an inconvenience. He used to be a really good friend of mine, but recently things have changed. I am not saddened by that, I know thats how things are but I just have to wonder what I did to him. It really upset me that he was cold and seemed irritated, but then I stopped to wonder what was really going on. I know he has gone through a lot recently and things are not easy for him, helped a bit. :)
I have lost and gained friendships this past year the most. I do not treat my friends as if they are seasons, but I believe friends will come and go. Its such a blessing to have a friendship that teaches you something or even just have the chance to get to know an amazing person.
There are friends that will come and then for some reason you may lose contact with them. I do not believe that means you are a horrible person or that you did not care about that person but thats how life is.
As much as I say I have considered who I still want to be friends with and who I just feel God is changing directions for your friendship, those I saw today I do not want to lose.
To you three today thank you for your friendship you have taught me so much about life.
I really enjoyed seeing you today and hope that I will be able to see more of you.

Time is so scarce these days.

I have so many saved blogs that I am working on.
So many unsaid words that need to be spoken.
There are so many things I wish to accomplish.
there are unconscious decisions to resolve.
Important decisions set aside.
There are Life lessons to learned.
pictures to be captured.
memories to remember.
forgiveness to be asked for.
there is much more time to seize the moment.
and way over needed naps to be taken.

halloween

"trick or treat?"
what a treat it was this year.
As you get older some holidays are just not the same. Halloween is one of them.
Growing up I was never allowed to participate in anything to do with Halloween.
We had our own traditions though. I went to a private school until my 7th grade year.
We had a huge fall festival there, were we were all allowed to dress up, but as something of God's creation. It was fun to go to sonic and grab a corn dog on sale and then return to school to help decorate and set up. There were dunking booths, and the teachers and administrators would participate. Along with many other games and food. It was something to look forward to.
When the school closed the church took the fall festival into their responsibility's yet it was not the same.
I remember my first year I was allowed to actually treat or treat was I believe my sophomore year. By then I was almost too old.
My 5 year old brother is the youngest of our family to start public school from the very beginning.
Halloween was never a big deal to my family, But times are changing. I am sure my brother will change that for the family. He really enjoys dressing up and eating candy, as do all little kids.
Weird how traditions change.
I really did not do much this Halloween, hung out with some friends, took pictures and played hide in seek till the early morning at the park with some friends.
but here are some pictures I took.

I am not your mother,

I am not your mother although sometimes I feel I am.
I have to discipline you, and teach you what is wrong from right.
I fear that no one else will If I dont.

I am not the one who is suppose to raise you,
yet I am the one teaching you how to write your last name.
or the one who needs to make sure you brush your teeth and
tell you they will turn yellow and fall out if you do not.

I am not suppose to tell you that isn't a nice thing to say,
or threaten to take you to the bathroom if you do.
Your parents should be thinking about your education,
not me.

I am worried about your future,
when I am letting mine slip away.

I love you so much but I feel that I need to get away for awhile.
I know I hurt you when you thought I was not your family anymore.
I will always be your family,

I was the first one to tell you that I loved you,
did you know that?
I am not the one who is suppose to raise you but I always will.

consistencies.

How am I? this is a question I hate to answer.
ask any of my friends and they will tell you that when something is bothering me I will change the subject numerous times until someone one gives in.

My life is at a stand point. I am not going anywhere really but my feet are just on the ground. If they were on level ground that would not be so hard on myself but they are not. I am just existing but rather living. I have been beating myself up for not taking amazing classes nor do I have the greatest job(s).
I am am just making ends meet and going with the flow is how things are going right now.

I stayed at the house that I lived at for almost 4 of the 5 months I was out of the house my senior year. It was really hard. I have avoided going there as much as I could since then, even though that used to be my hide away, as well as the place where I could talk and let everything out. That is something I do not allow myself to do anymore.
I was not there more than 5 hours each day and yes that is calculating the time I slept. Therefor it was a very tiring week.
I could not help but also wish I was comfortable there, because i missed that comfort. It is strange to say that I came home during the day to get things done as well as take a shower and different things. The place I have tired to get away from is the place I returned but not cause I felt security there but because it was familiar.
That has been a constant theme in my life.
Something that I am need to work on. I have fallen back into some old "habits" if you want to call them that.
I am not sure why but that because it is something that I have never and deny to resolve. It has been a constant that I am not sure how to let go.

I love sleep. my life has the tendency to fall apart when Im awake you know?
-- Ernest Hemingway

its been a really hard week this is only one of the things that are bothering right now but that okay I suppose life goes on. Life goes on.

My gold shoes

We all have our favorite shoes, the one we were almost everywhere.
The ones that even though they may not match they some how make the outfit complete.
Well mine happen to be a pair of gold sandals. I was in a hurry to find some shoes for a wedding for a good friend of mine. I needed something comfortable yet classy. I was not leaning towards heels because I have horrible balance, I am quite a klutz in fact. I was not certain I wanted flats either, I was helping set up for the wedding so flats sounded ideal yet I wanted to still look nice.

I have had some many adventures in these shoes. I have gone on numerous photo days in these shoes. One in particular when I feel in the middle of the rail road tracks when a train was coming because I was not wearing proper shoes. I have spilled things I should have not, and well as fell in mud these shoes. I have danced in these shoes at a dance hall, as well as in a park, and at a party. I have gone to the beach in these shoes with friends. I have said goodbye to friends as well as met new friends in these shoes. I have wished I had worn other shoes several times. I giving these shoes human characteristics without meaning to do so.

These shoes are not a friend of mine, nor am I trying to make it seem like I am obsessed with these gold shoes but they have been though a lot with me. They have been comfort for all the trips and walking I have done in them.
It is funny how something such as your favorite shoes have memories such as these. I was not even going to get the gold sandals, I was about to get black heels instead. I left the store but then came back to purchase the sandals instead. How grateful I am for that. Its funny to say I do not even know what shoes I wore before these.
This is something that has a shinny lining in my life,
memories..
I am needing to retire these "Golden shoes". The people and the memories are in the past... yet the memories are embedded in gold in my heart and will stay there until Gold in no longer valuable.

day of silence.

Red duct tape covering our mouths, helped us to show we were taking part in the Pro-life Day of Silent Solidarity. We carried fliers explaining why we are silent and hoped to educate others about the plight of the innocent children we are losing every day. Abortion is something I will stand up for, I am not going to participate or stand up for something I hardly believe in.
This topic is something that is dear to my heart. I thought about it and prayed about it and I felt that this really was something I wanted to participate in this year, and possible the years to come.

It was an experience I would not trade yet it was a very hard day. I was treated by some people as If i had a disease. While others would not even look at me or speak to me, but only make hand gestures towards me. My first professor would not even acknowledge I was in the class. While a girl in the bath room gave me the most ugliest look I have ever gotten and continued to glare at me until she deliberately walked across the restroom to get away from me as she continued to stare.

It was not so much that I wanted everyone to believe what I believed or I wanted to change their way of thinking but I wanted to be a part of those who were standing up in hope of at least encouraging others to do the same. It was also a great time that I was able just to sit there and pray and think. We do not realize how much we do not think or pray during the day because we get to concerned about ourselves, until you lose your voice.

No matter how hard you think it will be, or how embarrassed you think you may feel, it is never a bad thing to be yourself and to hold on to what you believe. Do not be afraid to show who you are and stand up for what you believe or consider right.

"would you include me in this journey?"

Sometimes I feel Like I am not doing much with my life. I do not feel like I am working hard enough, or being the nicest person. I was voted the rudest person in my family, by my family. I do not deny that tittle although it is not one I am always proud of. Life can be boring at sometimes, heck what am I saying most of the time it is not very adventurous. I feel claustrophobic often because I feel I am stuck. I am stuck here when I would rather be anywhere else.

I keep to think and come up with a solution one simple answer to one of the many questions I have right now. “God why do you still have me here?

No matter how hard I try, or seek in prayer my answer remains the same, wait.

I am so tired of waiting. I am like a little kid, I long for answers, I am in need of some guidance.

I have slipped the last couple of months, I have done many things I wish I hadn't.

Didn't do things I wish I had.

I have made some choices I can not undo. I have said somethings to people I can not take back.

I have strayed from having a relationship with the most important person in my life. I have not been a friend to those who are my closest friends.

I just need to apologize to those who I have hurt or have not been there for.

I am having a hard time figuring out what is wrong and what is right.

My moral chart has a crack in it. I not believe I can buy a replacement at the store.

Maybe it all boils down that I am confused right now in life. I am worn out.

No matter how well you wash your car or how much you spend getting a new paint job the inside of the car will remain the same. The interior of the car is still old and worn out.

I am ready to just find out what I am going to do for even the next semester. I am tired of being left out in the cold. “God would you include me on this journey?” I just need someone to walk beside me and hold my hand, or at least lie to me and tell me it will work out soon enough.

I am not one to talk to people, I am not good at sharing what is on my mind.

Although lately I just wish someone would be okay listening to me. I am not trying to be downer, oh and please do not feel sorry for me. I just need to get out what is going on.

I am tired, I am lost, I am so ready to give up. More importantly I am ready to give in.

good times

I have had some really good times the past few weeks.
It has really helped me out because I have not been doing the best lately.

A few weeks ago one of my best friends Josh called me up and a few of us went to the park and just hung out for a few hours. Then I believe the weekend after that He and my friend Anna Bibb went dancing with a few other people. That was a blast. Even though I did get home at 4am. Of course after eating at our favorite early morning place- Ihop.
A few times during the week he would call me to just hang out. We danced at our favorite park and just had a really good time just talking. I have really been needing that lately. It has been really nice to have a good guy friend. Someone I can trust and ask Guy geared questions. I have not had that in a while now.

This past saturday two of my best friends Anna and Josh went to eat Mexican food. One of Josh's last Mexican dinners, as well as the last meal we would have with him for a really long time.
Then we went to our park and hung out there for awhile until we decided we wanted cool-aid.
We stayed up until around 6am Sunday morning just talking and enjoying each others company. We made s'mores and just sat by the fire.
We talked about everything from why we are such good friends, to relationships and even religion. It has to have been one of the best nights I have had. Even though all of these I have mentioned are pretty great.
It has really left me thinking. A good friend of mine has been telling me I should cut ties with a few friends that are not building me up.
Yet I am torn because Honestly these are really some of my closest friends.

I mean yes I do not always act as I should around them. I am a bit different hanging around them, yet I am who I am around them. No faking anything. I can trust them with anything and they in return do the same to me.
I am not sure what this rambling is about, maybe just thinking about things.

I sure am Missing my friends right now.
I could really use a good talk again.
where are those letters?

I are a bit tired of acting like I have everything together, yet at the same time It is easier that way, and that is who I am.

dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams.
I was never one to be told "shoot for the stars." or "follow your dreams"
I always like to tell people I dream in color. In fact it means two different things. It means that I have huge dreams and that I dream sometimes the impossible. Yet it also means that I dream in color, although I have dreamed in black and white.

I have not slept very well in the last few weeks, due to the vivid dreams I have had lately.

I had a dream about a good friend of mine about 2 weeks ago. I woke up at around 6 in the morning crying. I had a weird dream that he was sick or hurt in some way. I could see him clearly laying in a bed. It was a hard dream to handle. I didn't know what to do but pray. I immediately sat up and prayed. Later to find out that week that in fact he was sick and on bed rest. I did not think much of that but that it was from God to pray for him.

On Tuesday of this week I had the worst dream about my father. I do not wish to even talk about it right at this moment. It had to do with his health as well as a big fear of mine God has been working through me right now. I woke up to my dad trying talking to me, it scared me half to death. I do not believe I was to kind too him.

on Friday night I had two dreams.

the first was about my ear. Yes that may sound weird but if you know me then you will understand why that is not so odd.

I was at my old church (a place I have been thinking about more than usual). My ear was on fire and it would not go out. I was surrounded my old friends, people that I dearly miss. It was weird because I woke up thinking that if something "tragic" happened to me I want certain people around me as well as that I needed to stay in contact with others. I remember in my dream, as I was trying to contain the fire on my ear, that even though my ear was deformed it was okay because those who love me and those who matter to me most will look past the deformation.
which is weird because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Who I have given up on trying to maintain a friendship as well as who I need to put more effort in.

The same night I had a dream about a good friend of mine. I was at her house because she was moving. It was empty but my brother and I were both there for some reason. It was fine at first but then after awhile it became dangerous. It was night time and there were intruders that were robing the house while I was there. My brother was nowhere to me found. I remember thinking in my dream that is common for my brother. He is either to consumed about himself or he is along side my family when I am in trouble or in confusion. The robbers started to push me because I was in their way. (I will not go into great detail about this part, at least not on here)
but after what seemed like hours I blacked out of fell asleep. Later on that night a good friend of the family who is now in heaven came to rescue me, but I would not allow him to. I screamed something along the lines that "you left me." not sure what that was about. I ran all the way home, (which that is not possible)
then I was at church that following Sunday and i was surrounded my friends but that was not enough from keeping me from crying. I was crying uncontrollably because I was so ashamed and need to apologize to my friend's father. There is more to this dream but that is the just of it.

I talked to my friend just last night and she told me that her family was considering moving but they were not sure. it is weird because I woke up crying after this dream at 5:30 in the morning. I could not control myself until finally I feel asleep.

last night I wanted anything to sleep with out dreaming. I decided I would fall asleep watching tv to hopefully distract myself. But nevertheless I had another dream. This time It was about my family. One of my aunts gave all her nieces a "gift" I will not come right out and say what it was right now.
I do not remember if she was sick or dying but she insisted we all take it.
it was not a normal thing for all of us to do, yet we all respected her wish. For some odd reason it had a weird effect on me and it hurt me. I was saddened by this because I did not normally have a problem with it nor did I want to disappoint my family as I have always done. I remember thinking that I usually fit in quite well with my cousins, why couldn't I this time? Which some times is not always the best thing. My sister was not present because she does not "fit" in with them nor does she really associate with them.


this dreams have really made me think more lately. My parents think I am just eaten too late. others do not understand them. I am not sure what the think of them. But that I wish I could get some sleep. I am severely lacking.

something I wish I could tell you.

a song I wrote for a friend today at work.
not going to show it to them though.


It is going to be a journey to find out
To find out what's going on.

You start the conversation.
I promise to be kind

Let's share this journey.
Let's share this time.
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine.

No need to carry me
I have feet of my own
I have two good feet

I went down to one of my favorite spots,
Where the planes fly by.
I felt a feeling in my chest.
I suppose you could call it my heart.

Here I go again
Here it goes again.

Come on, come on,
Won't you come?
Let's take a walk.

Let's share this journey
Let's share this time
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine

We don't need to fall in love,
Don't worry.
All I want is for you to love.
Love yourself and love OUR father
That is the love we share.

Leave the past behind
Let's stay in the present
To cherish this moment.

No need to carry me,
I have two good feet.

No need to walk hand in hand
My hand is fine on it's own...

You start the conversation
I promise I will listen.

dear friend,

(must say dear friend before each,)

dear friend,

I am remembering when you told me some very harsh things, I still remember how much how much it hurt.

Have I told you that you are forgiven?

I am remembering all the times when my heart raced when I would see you. What a silly girl I was.

I am so thankful for the years we spent in high school together. It would have not been the same with out you.

I am grateful for the encouragement you have given me.

I can pin point the words you told me that night I sat on my roof and you told me you had something to tell me. I was afraid that was the end of our friendship.

I am thinking of the time when we had so much fun in my kitchen making cookies and having a flour fight. I think I won by the way.

I am considering that you may have been right all along and that I was too stubborn to see it.

I am sorry for the rude things I may have said to you, I really do think you are an amazing person.

I remember all the late night adventures you and I had.

wow you sure got me into lots of trouble all the years I have know you. I loved every time.

I can still recall the songs you sang to me and how you smiled when you missed a beat. I am sorry but, I am beginning to forget the sound of your voice.

have I told you how much I love you?

I am grateful for the times we got together to talk. I can remember the first time we meet, I thought you were so Real. I want to tell you again thank you for being my friend.

Oh my. I am wearing a goofy smile looking back at all the laughs we have shared.

I remember the ipod wars we used to have. BTW I owned you at all those.

I am trying not to forget all the secrets you told me, and the ones I trusted you with. I miss the sound of your voice.

I remember the times when all we did was sit on the phone with each other and not feel the need to even talk. The hours spent on the phone just listening.

I remember the nights we stayed up really late and would chug red bulls to keep us awake.

Remember how we would have sleepovers like little girls?

I am thinking about all the times we went to jamba juice. I am craving some, wish you were here to go with me. How weird I do not even know where you are.

Do you remember the games we used to play when we were little? We had such imaginations. How is that imagination of yours?

I can recall the quite whispering from all the nights we stayed up late just talking and laughing. Remember the phrase we used to say? "okay this is the last word."

I hope you had fun for those many times you picked on me. Or the times when you will continue to pick on me.

Reflecting on the time spent with you, I long for more. Why can you not live closer?

remember the crafts we used to make? now we do not even speak to each other. how sad is that.

It feels like a few years ago when I would crawl under your bed and grab the tin of cookies. How I wish you would see how big I am. I wish you were here with me.

I remember you were one of the first people I would tell everything to. How are you my friend?

you used to always draw on my papers in class, and distract me from learning. I do not blame you for what I did not learn that year.

I am remembering so many faces, so many smiles yet I am beginning to forget your laughs, your voices. What I will not forget is the impact you have had on my life.
I want to thank you for that.

Love you always,
amy


I have really been reminiscing about the past lately. Remembering the hard times, the times I felt like giving up. I have held on to the good times, the amazing friendships I had.
I am remembering the wonderful talks with good people, the laughs with most.
The honesty I have shared with some, the bickering I have been though with others.

Why Am I remembering so much recently? It is putting me in a unusual mood.

even when life is tiring

I had the craziest, stressful, tiring day yesterday, while volunteering to help at another portrait studio.

I was a complete mess. I was running around trying to be polite to everyone while still trying to hold my authority over them because they will easily walk all over me. After all was done, and I answered everyone's questions and took my best shot at getting their portraits taken I finally had time to breath and take the last sitting. It was a great one because it was just one person vs the huge families I had done earlier that day.

I finally just closed the studio the best I could and hurried out of there.
I called one of my favorite people, on my way home. I told her how my day went and I really just wanted to talk to her. One thing she told me was that the good thing about working is that you can just leave it artas work, there is no need to carry it home with you. Even though I knew that it was nice to be reminded of that.

At the end of the day I was tired and grumpy and a bit stressed but I then reminded myself that no matter how to day ends, no matter how much I want to quit, or how much I wish I had done something different, at the end of the day all we have to do is give the day to the Lord. The Lord gives us a new day.

psalms 30:5
⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.


<sup>Lamentations 3:23-23

22</sup>The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.