thinking

Ive been doing a lot of thinking as well as trying to pray.
that is not something that comes easily to me.
Most of the time I can not find it within myself to pray.
there is some reason behind that.

but today was a good time with Him.
I was on my way to the post office and turned off my music and just started to talk to God.
I am really brain scattered right now,
and still thinking about things,
mostly things that are bothering me.
A lot is bothering me.
but hey I am going to work these things out with God.
matthew 6:25-26 is what I am thinking about right now.

may I call you friend?

I am not having the best week, last week was not GREAT but it surpassed this week.
just a random note.
bare with me I have a lot on my mind.
if I lose you I am sorry.

I care, I care,
How much should I stress that?
I long for love that is real and deep.
If your love only meets the surfaceAnd stops there,
That won’t work for me,
Too much to expect?

I can’t understand why it’s hard-
For me to love.
If I tell you I love you.
Then know I mean it.
That is not something that comes easy to me.

There is no shield blocking.
No detour involved
.I am not one to walk around with a mask,
Yet why can’t you see who I am?

It hurt when I was told I wasn’t liked-
For who I am.
What is wrong with me?
Something must be.

I am not trying to gain the approval.
Of anyone for that matter,
That is not worth my time.
Don’t you see?
But then why did it hurt to hear-
I am a disappointment?
Not the first time
That was spoken.
It still hurt the same
It was not expected.
Or had occurred in a while.

I can’t keep a relationship,
Not even with a friend.
I stop to think-
Something wrong with me?
Indeed.
I am not a bad person,
Is that what you see?
My friend- may I call you that?
I am not worth your time and effort.
I don’t have much to give.
So why does it seem there a lot to lose?
I don’t have much to contribute.
Yet I try so hard.

There is a sadness that is within
,Some in the process of dealing with.
And the other bit is uncovered,
I am giving it to God.
I can’t deal with it alone.

Time is passing,
A moment, a breath too quickly.
I need to find peace
Just to get on with the day.

This is not to make you feel sorry for me,
Nor for you to feel you need to encourage me
.This is just me thinking out loud
and
A request for prayer.
I need the fruits of the spirits.
But mostly I need strength.
I am not sulking,
I am not depressed
I am just not having the best few days.
But I believe there is A GREATER JOY TO BE FOUND.

hey hey hey.

I thought I might as well introduce myself a little bit.
since this is a new blog.
so Ill just start with saying 80 ramdom things about me.
how about that?
leave me a comment, I want to know what you have to say.

1. I am 5'2 but I pretend I am 5'3.

2. I want to "grow up" and become a journalist. For a magazine, that is what I really want, but we will see.

3. I have to always be saying something. So sometimes I will use filling words- to feel the silence. or make random noises. you will soon realize that if you spend time with me.

4. I only have one tattoo right now. but one of these days I will have LOTS. my next one I should be getting with-in this month, I hope.

5. I have a fear of needles.

6. one of the most random, loudest people you will meet.

7. I have a huge fear of flying. not because I fear of crashing. I get really sick and anxious when flying. The last time I flew I yelled at my sister and then started to cry. I know I am so lame.

8. I really don’t enjoy the beach as much as most people do. I could never live there. only visit, often.

9. I am in love with heights, I am most often found in trees or on the top of a building or roof. That is just who I am.

10. I am a vegetarian. not because I want to save the animals or for religious purposes. I have a few reasons- that I will share with you if you ask. well there is a chance I will. ask if you would like.

11. toasters make me jump.

12. biggest scaredy cat

13. i love finishing my sentences with........ (multiple dots, for no reason at all.)

14. I am the worlds most horrible speller-EVER.

15. deep down I want to be able to speak spanish fluently,

16. yoga and pillates are my favorite.

17. I want to be a ninja.

18. I have gone to many different shrinks and counselors I have some pretty good stories.

19. when I am sad or stressed, I bite my nails or fingers.

20. I am very opinionated.

21. all I really eat is cheese and bread.

22. San Antonio is lame. I am dying to move.

23.If I don’t like you, or you irritate me I will let you know.

24. My dream since I was little is to open an orphanage.

25. when I am bored and I am standing some where(it can be anywhere) I tap dance.

26. I have always loved twins or multiples.

27. I do not cry a lot, but when I do Its not a pretty sight. My face gets red and puffy.

28. I am guilty of worrying.

29. If I am tired my nose itches, and my friends get grossed out about my itch nose disease as we call it.

30. I locked the door on my finger one time, and did not realize it until I tried to walk away.

31. I am not a hypochondriac. I am genuinely

always sick.

32. I have an unhealthy fear of crickets.

33. I push the limits. especially my parents.

34. I keep changing the number at the top.

35. I overuse smiley faces J

36. I have a very interesting past.

37. I would love to share my past with you if you would like.

38. I am addicted to pain killers. well some times.

39. you cant watch me take a pill, I have to shove it down.

40. Tina Dorrough helped my addiction for jamba juice.

41. I am a huge fan of notes. write me one and I will love you forever.

42. I prefer cold weather over hot weather any day.

43. I told my dad I was on drugs.

44. I hate the smell of mustard or mayo.

45. I do not have the physical capability to throw up, I just gag.

46. I cant believe you are still reading this. or that I have this much to say.

47. actually I can believe I have this much to say.

48. I often correct myself, I would not call it lying.

49. I set my clock 10 mins fast.

50. I love people who are REAL.

51. I am in need of a filter on my mouth.

52. I am hoping to be moving to Denver next year.

53. I did not start staying the night away from home until I was around the age of 14 maybe? I used to cry or make up an excuse that I was sick.

54. my mom used to tell me she could be making money off of me, cause I can make myself cry if I need to.

55. I love maps.

56. I love photography. you should see my computer it is full with pictures. oh and my camera.

57. my sister tried to run over me with her barbie car. we still don’t get along much.

58. I am the black sheep of my family

59. I can make myself sick

60. hate math.

61. touch my ears and I will scream.

62. I don’t get along with really ANY of my family.

63. smoking is a gross habit.

64. No one really understands me.

65. I am a fan of snail mail.

66. I am a stress smoker.

67. my dad used to call me a devil child or tell me I was full of the devil. He has not said it recently.

68. I really don’t ever sleep.

69. I almost finished a whole box of cheez-it’s working on this.

70. I take a shower about 3 times a day.

71. I have a teeth brushing problem. I always have a tooth brush with me.

72. you can tell when I am having a bad day.

72. I have so much more to write.

73. my expressions on my face tell you everything.

74. I hate make-up yet if i am not wearing anything then you know I am not doing the greatest.

75. ask me how many layers I have on.

76. the smell of fresh cut grass is amazing.

77. I love gilmore girls.

78. I love names. and finding out what they mean.

79. amy is a short name. I dont like it. I used to tell my mom I was going to change it.

80. I love reading.