where I am feeling lead.

As this week went on I have been praying for the Lord to guide me and to show me what I am suppose to do with my life. Its been a huge battle. I feel I can not mount to what He has called me to do. I am scared to give something my all right now.
I just feel I need to get other things straightened up in my life before I can continue.

I feel I need to fix some relationships before working on some new ones.
I feel I need to strengthen my relationship with God before I can fully fix some.
I want God to use me but I need his guidence.
I am not sure what I will be doing this summer or this upcoming semester.
Waiting on God's will and his direction.

I went to bible study tonight, and I missed the majority of it, but what I did catch I loved. They were talking about spiritual gifts and about how it is not something you choose but it is something that God gives you in order for you to work within the body of Christ.

I loved that thought. I want God to use me this semester to minister to others, I want to use my spiritual gift for him. I am not sure exactly what my spiritual gift is but I know I do love helping others and giving my time.

I am ready for God to use me. I am really going to work on strengthening my relationships and fixing others.
So if i call you and tell you in need to talk then that is why.
I have so much to pray about, and there are people I need to either fix the relationship with or simply just let go. Not giving up but stepping out because that is what God is asking of me.

lack of communication

When I came to my blog today I was thinking I was just going to edit a blog I have been working on, but instead I felt I needed to start a new one.
Gosh life has been a bit overwhelming lately. I should be studying for a major biology test tomorrow but I have so much on my mind right now.

Its been a hard last couple of weeks but I am getting back on my feet.
The Lord really has showed me so much lately.

One of the biggest things that is bothering me is how I communicate with others.
I found out that it started here at home. My parents and I had a bit of a rocky point last week, and instead of confronting me about it, my dad wrote me a letter.
As much as I was dreading talking to him face to face It hurt that we can not communicate.

it has only shown me that is one of the major reasons I can not communicate with others. It started here at home. I can not help but blame my parents for our lack of communication.
It is sad to say that my home has never been a safe place for me, it has never been a place I could voice my opinions or be myself.

I can not stop thinking about a relationship that I have lost recently due to lack of communication. I know I am a big girl and I can make my own choices and I can change things about myself. However I am having to learn something that I should have learned when I was a kid. How to communicate, how to love someone.
It scares me to no end.

I am trying to learn to communicate, or how to allow myself to be open and to share things with others, but it is not easy.

growing up I did not tell my parents about school, about boys or about life. It was just not something that I did. My parents never met a single teacher of mine, they never went to my school unless they had to, they never even really asked me about if i had homework. They were just uninvolved as their parents were. I do not blame them, I love my parents. Yet I realize that I am completely different from the rest of my family. I can not understand why it bothers me and it does not bother my siblings.

I do take on a lot of responsibility that I gave my parents a hard time, I started this non communication myself yet it seems that my siblings communication skills with others is just as mine are.
We for some reason to not have the healthiest relationships, we can not seem to trust.
I want to apologize on my behalf.

what time has taught me.

If you had told me a year ago that I would start learning to love and to trust I would have given you a funny looked and laughed at you.
Today I sit hear waiting for class to begin and I can not help but to laugh at how much I have learned. It took me over 18 years to be able to tell someone I loved them and mean it. WOW that is a long time, wasted time if you ask me.

As I think about all the people that have come in and out of my life I can not help but be appreciate for those relationships. I have learned so much from my relationships even those people that have hurt me. I have learned to be honest, to trust and to be patient as well as learning to be open, learning to humble myself and the list could continue.

I wanted to make a list, I love list. A list of the people who have helped me. I will not use names because that is not something I do, Yet I have a feeling you will know who you are.

1. Thank you for being a part of my life, encouraging me and giving me a chance to breath.
2. Thank you for teaching me how to trust and allowing me to be myself. I really have learning how to be open and how to love.
3. Thank you for being on of my first friends and showing me what a friendship should look like.
4. Thank you for being honest with me even when I am not willing to do the same.
5. Thank you for never giving up on me.
6. Thank you for being a person I could turn to for advice even just vent to.
7. Thank you for allowing me to learn to trust you, you have not let me down. I have loved getting to know you and to realize that I need to have stronger relationships not just surface ones.
8. Thanks for being you, even though sometimes we argue and dispute I love you and am grateful for all the time we have spent.
9. Thank you for allowing me to be a complete mess sometimes but still loving me despite my flaws, just goes to show what an amazing person you are.
10.thank you for allowing me to be part of your life.
11. You are one of my best friends. Thank you for listening to me ramble and pushing me to be open.
12. Thank you for encouraging me to reach for something, to follow my dreams, but also to not limit myself.
13. You inspire me to be something amazing.
14. You have pushed me so much in my faith and encouraged me.
15. I thank you for even telling me the harsh things I need to know. I am sorry our friendship ended badly but I do not regret any of it.
16. thank you for just being an amazing friend,
17. I would not be where I am right now with out you.
18. You have been a huge part of my life.

I may have forgotten to tag a few of you in this note.
sorry.

high ways and broken hearts. late nights and friends who are not far.

I am realizing more and more what it is like to have a broken heart and what it is like to be broken heart-ed.

sounds like the exact same thing doesn't it? I do not think so.

 

I recently have been feeling like my heart was ripped out of me. Not only by a guy but by some friends. I couldn't imagine moving on but the thing is this. While I am have a broken heart, I am not broken heart-ed. I will gather my things and move on. Yes, it will take me some time, and i want a bit more time to sulk!!

but I am quickly reminded of this:

Psalm 34:18

 ¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

you know It has taken me a long time to trust and to allow myself to be honest. Boy have I come along way. You can either choose to take it as it is or you can move on your way.

Frankly because I am ready to trust and to be open not just to friendships but to love. It has taken me years to see and understand what Love is suppose to look like. I think it has really only been this year that I have fully comprehended it. 

It takes time and effort and well as honesty in any relationship.

But the main thing is love.

"love your neighbor as yourself" 

what a great lesson we all forget about. 

 

Proverbs 27:5-6 

 ⁵ Better is open rebuke 
than hidden love

 dont hide your love, do not let fear stop you from loving.

Love your neighbor, love your family and friends, love the smelly kid that sits next to you on the bus, love the professor that you cant not wait to write a bad review about, love yourself, Most importantly Love GOD. 

do not let your love be limited or forgotten.

 

Proverbs 24:26

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

let your love be evident. let you honesty be felt. 

I hope this encourages you as much as it did me.

thanks for reading. 

amy marie

trust

I finally decided how to trust. For me trusting does not come easy at times even impossible.

I am learning that no mater what trust is a necessity in life, and in relationships. It took me the longest time to realize this, as well as being hurt more times then I wish.

I have finally realized that no matter how scared I am to trust or how afraid I am of being hurt, I still need to trust. Trust myself, trust others but Most importantly and foremost God.

Yes I know I will get hurt along the way, and at times I will be be resistant but I am going to take a step and be honest and trust. 
You can leave it or take it. With out trust you are just going about life and not really living. 

To love is to allow others to know the deepest, most secretive parts about you and know they will still love you. That is something I have had to grasp. That even though I feel there are somethings I can not tell people, if they really care about me then they will look past those faults. 

Honestly has been amazing thing to learn, as well as knowing that It is okay to not want the approval of others. I myself find myself never caring about what people think about me. It is not something that effects me, but I have come to realize I do need to care what those people closest to me think about me. 



I am just hurting myself even more by not trusting, I am not allowing relationships to grow and strengthen. I am missing out on somethings because I am too cautious. 


it is time I learn to trust.
thanks for reading.
with lots of love,