yes second post in the same day.

This verse is on my heart.

Going through a tough time right now.

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) 

God give me your Guidance and your wisdom, help me to not listen to me head but to what YOU want.

not sure.

I am a bit confused at the moment. Why do we sometimes convince ourselves that something is right, when we know it isn't? Does it make us feel better? Or how many times have you tried convincing yourself that something that feels good is wrong because you went with your instincts or you just feel guilty about it?
Its like going with your heart or listening to your head. How do you separate the two, or learn which one is telling you what you SHOULD do.

I am stick in the middle right now. Not sure my actions are just, but then again maybe they are.
Who knows!

time allows to give grace

As I lie here awake tonight,
allowing my head to wander and my heart to yearn.
I feel a hope inside.
Something I try so hard to grasp.
yet something that is out of my reach.
I want to feel respected. I want to feel wanted.
I want to have a peace inside that covers all.

I am finally reaching place inside.
I can finally look to the bright side of life.
I was learning to trust.
now I feel I am being set back.
repeating a step or two.

like a dance.
if you have a good leader,
everything comes natural.

if you have someone there it all seems right.

I am learning to be less concious about myself and more about others

I am learning to be selfless and love others.
I want to know you are going to be there in the hard times
and to always be there in the good ones.

I want to know where you walk is with the Lord.
but to know you will walk beside me in MINE.

I have so many questions to ask you.
If only I would allow myself to talk to you.

you hurt me, you really did.
but I am learning how to give grace.
The Lord gives us grace even when we dont diserve it.
He  gives us grace to forgive others.

how my life has been lately.

My little brother has been really sick the last week. He has missed a lot of school this year because he gets sick very often. Recently it has been worse and we didn't know what to expect. On friday after a few days of him complaining about his head and throwing up, my mom took him to the doctor expecting just to leave with a doctors note for school reasons. They urged her to go to the emergency room because they thought he may have something wrong. They did a cat-scan and found something they thought was a brain tumor or cancer. THANK GOD they were wrong. They did found a sis but do not believe that is effecting him.

Well they sent him home. But then on saturday, also my mothers birthday, he went back into the hospital. He could not even control his bowel movements and was throwing up everything. By this time his lips were purple from being dehydrated plus the fact that he had really not eaten anything in a few days. By this time he was so weak he was not even walking we had to even carry him to the bathroom. After several hours at the hospital we were told he had a step throat really bad and signs of the scarlet fever. They told my parents if they hadn't brought him his fever would have rose and he could have passed out.

He came home and was felling better thanks to the iv. He finally was able to walk again after a few days and his strength was coming back to him. Well it has been 2 days now and he isn't doing much better. Still wont eat and is running a fever. My mom finally took him back to the doctor to find out now he does in fact have the scarlet fever.  Poor kid he is going through so much. It has been a big toll on our family the last week.
We will all be glad when he finally gets better.


My life has been a bit similar. It has been up and down and up and down again.
School and work are both kicking my butt. I am about to drop a class because I have so much on my plate. At times I just feel so weak and not motivated to move on.
At the same time I am learning how to trust and how to have a healthy relationship, even just a friendship. When I finally thought I was "getting the hang of it," I was proven wrong.
It is hard to finally trust someone and then have them hurt you. Something I am so used to but by not allowing myself to trust and be honest I have not experienced it in awhile.
I am hurt but know that God is in the middle of this hurt. I soon hope I will be able to forgive again and allow myself to trust and love.

God gives us a greater love for believers. For they are our brothers and sisters in Christ. They are our support system and those who we fellowship with. Without them we are not working together to fulfill Gods kingdom. We all are here for different tasks for different parts of Gods plan.

I am learning so much about Love and friendships and what a healthy relationship should look like.
I am learning that there is a difference between listening to your heart and listening to your head.
My heart is telling me on thing about a good friend of mine, but my head is telling me to ignore my heart and go with my instincts. I am having to pray and to seek God more and more. I find myself at the end of the day falling flat on my face in prayer.

I know My brother is getting stronger and healthier every day, and I know that soon enough I will get stronger and my friendships will get healthier in time. It is just going to take me a bit longer.

Be patient with me, in time I will come around.
thanks for reading.

sometimes I hate being a girl...

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever."
Dave Matthews Band

thanks for reading. 

raining down trust.

It has been ranning for days now, I can honestly say I miss the feeling of warmth and sunlight.
I miss the sky being clear and even the sun shinning in my eyes while I drive.
While I have realized I miss something that is bright and happy, I realize that I miss laughing and having contentment in my life. I am sharing something very personal, which is not something that comes easy. I have been feeling a bit down the last few months, more lately then ever though. I have forgotten what it is like to Love life, and to look for the adventures and to be optimistic. I have been so overwhelmed and stressed these past months that I have forgotten and neglected even the most simple things in life. I am ashamed to even say what.

I have now again begun to feel the pains in my stomach again. I have not felt this much pain  as regularly as it had been last year. I can not even go a day with out being in pain. This week a new pain was added, in my hip.  I feel I am begging to fall apart.
I called my mom and my dad today and told them I felt I was breaking into a million pieces. While that was a joke, it is not too far from the truth.

I feel as if my life is in a millon pieces and I am now suppose to sort them out and put it back into place. It is not something I am equip to do. I am so tired and while I am not getting much sleep I am also begging to not get enough rest either. I have acknowledged how different those two words are from each other.