how to save a life.

It is a pretty descent movie. 

It really hits a lot of personal, bold things teens go through but it not normally shared or incorporated in movies. 

Keeps me thinking as always.

My thoughts.

I do not even have words to feel this space with.
I do not have any thoughts to share.
I am not one to be needy nor do I find being honest to come easy for me.
Who I am and who I want to be are so different.
Who I was from who God wants me to be, is long journey.
I am trying to figure out what I want to do in life, but trying to learn how to leave some of it behind.
This may not sound so hard but it really isnt that easy either.
My heart is heavy and my ears are open and ready to listen.

I am not sure what to even think right now.

its crazy how sometimes someone is just put on your mind and you are not sure why.
OR it is crazy how you have friends from high school or just old friends in general that you never talk to but you still think highly of them and love them.

I was just thinking about a few friends from high school and thought I would send them a message or tell them hello.
I have done a lot of reminiscing and writing on peoples walls to tell them I was thinking about them or how much they meant to me.
You can never hear that too much.

It is interesting to find out how people are doing, what college they are going to, or even who they are dating.
You always expect you will hear from them, or that ever once in awhile you will just say hello.
I was looking at a old friends profile and had just sent a friends request because I wanted to catch up with her. I was snooping around and found out she had died this week. I am still in shock. How weird it is to never have that friend request answered, or to never be able to tell her hello or to see how she is doing.
Gosh I do not know how I will finish my homework now.

I just got off the phone with another of my friends and that put me in a bit of a funk as well.
I always think that I will have time or another day to tell a friend or a family member what i think of them or how much they mean to me.

I am not trying to sound cheesy or to be cliché but I am trying to make a point

there are so many people I love but there are just as many people I need to stress how much they mean to me.
I am not much of a people person nor do I easily share my feelings but I need to learn how to appreciate my friends and how to love the close ones I have.
Not so much because of my friend. Yes she was a friend, but i have a lot on my mind and my heart is heavy.

gosh my heart aches right now.
thanks for reading. 

holidays have come and passed.

Life has finally settled down and I feel like I am finally gaining some organization and motivation. I felt like the Grinch this season. I was counting down till the end of the holiday season. This holiday was a lot different from any previous year. For one I was really sick last Christmas and was in bed days before Christmas eve and even days following Christmas day. It was miserable. Another thing that changed this year was a bondage I am now free from. I am not still not comfortable talking about it freely but those of you who know can understand. I thank God for bringing me this far. Holiday season used to be a time I dreaded for all the reasons holidays are loved for. 

  In addition to my large family we had 5 new babies this year (with 2 already this year.) It was such a treat to end 2009 with 5 new births. 


lastly, one thing that as different from most years was my job this year. I now work two jobs, but the most stressful was my portrait studio job. 
I never realized what a high demand there is for thanksgiving and holiday pictures. I also noticed just how cranky some people get around this time of the year. Me being one of them. I was not a very pleasent person to be around. I was always tired ad stressed about what others told me I should have left when I closed the studio. 
Oh if only it would have been that easy. 


I really enjoyed getting to spend my break with my best friends.
The 5 of us had some good times, running from cops, dancing at cowboys, spending nights doing random things, great talks and so on. 
I really am glad they were a part of my break this semester because that will be the only break I am able to spend with all of then.


As time goes on life gets busier there is not a lot of time to lolly-gag around. While I am glad I was able to relax a bit this holiday I am really greatful that I know have a schedual and things to look foward to. I am loving school. I feel like such a nerd but this semester is going to be different and wonderful.
I am learning to be different as well as to except things that are different as a new adventure.

contrasting.

I once knew a person

who believed in me,

I am not telling who

because it might just be you.

maybe it was you.

Listen to my story.

And all I have to say to you.

I am going somewhere different

I've always stuck around here

but with you on my mind.

I'm learning to be different

getting out of my zone.

So I'm trying something new.

No its not for you.

I'm doing this for myself.

I'm changing and learning

and figuring out life.

Its a scary place

but no longer in need

in need of your hand in mine.

But When I am alone with you.

I feel a change in pace.

Something I could adjust to.

But I an ready to feel

feel what its like to trust.

I am ready to feel the wind in my hair.

As I leave you behind.

I am going somewhere different

an over needed adventure.

Ive always stuck around

but with you on my mind.

Ill send you my address when

I settle down.

But I'm not making the same promise

you once broke.

But learning to change.

And learning to adjust.

You once set my pace.

But now its my time.

My friend wont you hear..

all what I have to say.

you've been there so long but now its time.

So I am moving on cause

cause you already have.

No longer your hand in mine.

Its something I am doing for myself.

yes its something brand new.

I am learning to trust
which isn't easy.

and to speak my mind.

That is not so new.

But I am not going to rely on you.

I am learning to be different

getting out of my zone.

For I once knew this person

or so I thought I knew.
who taught me to grow
and to do what I wanted to do.

So I am moving on cause

cause you already have.

No longer your hand in mine.