learning to trust and to learn when its time.

I have the hardest time trusting anyone. Its something I am really working on.
God has really battled with me this year about learning to trust Him, others and even myself. It is not something I am comfortable with.

One thing I have really had to learn was to wait. There is a distinction between waiting out of obligation and willingly waiting. As the semester came to an end I was eager to preserver with what I thought I wanted in life, soon I would realize that would come to a confining halt.

I have been running off of little to no motivation. Working two jobs as well as juggling school and friends, can become tiring. I would go weeks with out talking to the people that meant the most in my life, because I just "didn't feel" like catching them up about my life. I began to become a bitter person because I was not happy where I was in life. I began to think I would be judged for my progress.


To allow myself to trust was as if the sky was falling. It seemed painful and uncomfortable as well as something that could never happen.
I am grateful for those friends who have not given up on me but still are my friends despite my many flaws and insecurities and issues :) My friend Taylor really has pushed me this semester about trusting and even shown me how to just be okay with my circumstances and surroundings. I am surprised that she has not given up on me, and I am thankful for that.

God has really been tough on me the past few months. At first it was my natural instinct to become defensive and angry.
He has really taught me how to trust and how to wait for HIS TIMING. I have tried so many times to surpass it but I will find myself at his feet and asking for his patience.

God really is showing me how trust is an important part of my life, and something that I really struggle with. A week ago a good friend of mine shared how he felt about me. I am the kind of person that does not share emotions nor do I know how to handle them. I just beat myself up for being a "dumb girl" is what I call it.
I was a bit mad for awhile because I couldn't fathom why it was the right timing now and not a few months ago. Even though then I would have reacted possibly worse. I am being reminded that friendships take work and time. Not just wanting a friendship to grow and a relationship to be formed overnight. But loving every bit of the journey and the time.

I have talked about a particular friend more than once in these blogs.
He really has encouraged me to trust and encouraged my relationship with God, even in his own walk. He is back for a few more days before he leave and becomes "Mr marine man" again.


These is just two of the people I am learning to trust and seeing how much I need and love relationships especially friendships. I have not been the easiest person to get to know this year, nor have I been the most pleasant person to be around either.
I am just so grateful for the grace I have been given as well as learning God's timing is so worth waiting for, instead of wasting time and ended up even farther behind then I was.

college.

I always wanted to go to a big university. I have wanted this since I was younger. I thought that was the only way I would ever go to college. My high expectations failed.
I am just about to complete my first semester of college, and you wanna hear something? I am okay with that. I have learned so much this semester.
I am big with lists so here it is.

1. I have learned how much I love my family, even though I am ready to get out of the house.
2. I have seen who are actually my true friends. It has been impossible to keep up with any of them who have left San Antonio, and even with those who live here.
3. I know what to look forward to.
4. I have had some amazing opportunities and times here in my home town.
5. I have met some pretty amazing people this semester, at work and at school.
6. I have learned where I stand with God,
7. there are many more.

I really have met some great people in my classes, especially my photography class.
We have become so close that I am not sure I am going to handle not seeing them. At first I was a bit surprised at how many older people where in my photography class, but not soon after I was grateful. You hear way too often that older people have stories and wisdom, but until I met them I did not believe this to be 100% true.
I loved the hour talks we would have before class, or the time in the lab.
They are amazing people,
from talking about one ladies husband dying from cancer, to one girls mom suffering from cancer, to talking to mom's about their kids, to gaining knowledge about photography from professionals, to talking about religion and even talking to veterans about war and what they went through.
I have loved getting to see their photography, it really is a way to express yourself.
I do not know what I am going to go next semester, it seemed that most of my time at school was spent in the journalism building. Its funny but all through high school I lived in the journalism room. I spend every day in their my senior year especially. I ate, I slept, I worked and I enjoyed life in that class.

IT WAS my life in high school. Year book that is.

I guess my life wasn't really different this year than last year.
I suppose that was a comfort thing.
I am taking a break from being in the journalism building this semester to focus on my core classes. However I will promise one thing, it will not last long. JOURNALISM IS MY MAJOR. :)


thanks for reading,
sorry it was hard to follow

blog.

I have not been keeping up this blog as much as I would like.
I have however been enjoying my 365 day blog.
take a look :)


http://amys-365dayjourney.blogspot.com

356 day journey

I started my 365 day journal again.
I am hoping that through this I will see how much I am going to grow over the next year.
Life is different right now, its been really hard to adjust.
I am not where I wish I was in my life right now, but I have not given up
nor have I lost my faith.
I am just struggling a bit, but I am looking forward to what is to come.

http://amys-365dayjourney.blogspot.com/
thanks for reading,
amy marie

guy friend vs. girls.

Today was a pretty great day. I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in months. He went off to boot camp and is now a United States Marine. I am so proud of him. We were able to catch up a bit, but it was really just nice to be able to see him again. It was fun to be able to tease him, like old times, but he has changed a lot. I am so excited to see what God has already done in his life, but will also continue to do. We talked about having a conversation with people who have "a story" and honestly this kid has a story now, yes it may be the same as others but its his view, it is who God has called him to be. I have learned so much from him this past year we have been friends. What is like to preserver, to grow in faith, to encourage one another, but also how be open. I really missed just talking to him.

I really have missed having those guys I could talk to, or even just having them as friends. I do have friends that are girls that I can talk to but it is not the same as the ones I hung out with this summer. I could call or text them and they would listen. Or we would have random outings. I need more of that in my life right now, even if it is only a letter every now and then.

I love those friends that you can see and there is no awkwardness, or it is okay to have a few silent moments because its their face you want to see.

One of my friend's dad made a comment today that mad me think. He said "You chose good guys to hang out with. One day these two will make great husbands." I never thought about that until now. Wow how strange but I do believe it to be true.

I doubt either one of them will read this but I know it is true. I think they are great guys and those who will marry them are some luck gals. Honestly, I think they deserve the best and I am not afraid to tell them that either, its okay if they dont want to hear it, ill still tell them :)
because I would hope they would do the same for me. 

I have been almost beating myself down lately because I look at three of my friends and I see how much they have done in the past months and what they have accomplished as well as what they now have become and I cant help but think I am not doing anything compared to them.

I feel God has a calling on my life, but I am too stubborn and blind to see it right now.

All of this to say that I am grateful for those guys in my life that really have encouraged me the past years, and have been a good friend in my life, I could use more of these friendships that I believe are God sent. Even though we are going are separate ways I believe God will always bring us back, but we wont lose contact :).
You are the greatest, strongest, bravest and most driven people. 
I am praying for you all each and everyday. For you life, for your focus to be on God, for God to give you strength, and courage, but now also for your spouses :) 

thanks for reading,

relationship status.

I was always waiting on that someone

wishing they would notice me.

trying so hard to ignore those
who did but I wish they wouldn't.

I have gone through so many different

"relationships" even just friendships.

I strive for relationships, real relationships,

not just surface ones.

I do not call myself experienced, 

I have just had enough of relationships 

to determine the difference between the two.

More and more recently I have been asked, 

"oh do you have a boy friend?"

My answer remains the same. "no, no I do not." 

I get the oddest stares from the person. It used to bother me but over the years but even within this year it does not bother me as much. This morning we had a group meeting at work and even though we work with each other we do not know much about the other. One of my questions they asked was of course, was if I had a boyfriend. They all wanted to hook me up or questioned why. 

I just smiled and of course blushed. 

To be completely honest It does not phase me anymore. I am really trying to figure out my life, and where I will be next year. I have goals and dreams and I believe those come first right now. It would be great if God sent me someone who wanted to chase the same dreams and had the same goals in mind but 

I do not want to change myself completely for that person. 

I see some many girls or even guys change their whole way of life or drop everything for the other. Some times it a good thing, but sometimes they are forgetting their dreams,

putting them on hold, not reaching their full expectations. 

I want to be able to be myself with everyone I meet. I want people to see me as real, not just a friendly face. 

There are enough of those in the world.

I want to have amazing relationships, ones that I love being with that person. There are some people I am friends with but our friendship only goes so far. Where there are those people I wish I could spend more time with, who I can tell everything to. I can do anything with these people and I just enjoy the time spent with them. I love them because they are not afraid to be themselves, 

they are not afraid to let some scars show, 

or to let some blemishes come uncovered. When I tell them I want to hang out with them I mean it. Its not just something I say to them using it as a "filler word." 
 
They are just REAL.

 I talk about these people a lot, 

because I could just not imagine life without them.

To sum all of this rambling up, I am content with my life,

my relationship status and my relationships. 

I do not know where life is taking me but what I do know is that I am not going to change who I am for anyone. I do not know who will come in and out of my life this year but 

I do know it will be a great journey. 

I do know it will not be perfect and I completely except that.

thanks for reading,

another hour brings more things to ponder

I thought I knew who you were. It is 6 in the afternoon, and I am reconsidering even who I am.
The sun has now set and the night is reached its peak.
The moon is shinning over your head and mine.
The thought that the moon light is a sleeve over head the both of us makes the winter seem bearable. The weather here I am sure is unlike anything you are used to.
Although is can be unfortunately humid, there are some pleasant days even though they may be scarce.

The days here seem to get shorter. Time is passing by quickly. I am apprehensive that I am running out of time. I have lost so much time in the past that I can not afford to do so again.

Do you hear the ringing noise? could you call my phone so I can relocate it.
that may just be a scheme just to hear your voice.
It would help to just hear a voice besides my own.

I rest my bed against the frame of my bed, as I close my eyes and hope that the time has changed. As a child wishing for another hour to stay awake, I wish for another hour but for a unknown reason.

Dreams and reoccurring, tireless thoughts have interrupted my sleep. I can barely function anymore.

I am not sad nor am completely happy. It is a blank emotion on my face. My face usually tells how I am feeling. I am an easy person to read.
I search in anguish for the accurate emotion to convey. What is my face telling you?
as 7 approaches I begin to wonder how long will it take for this headache to go away,
or how long it will take for my brain to function again
even how long it will take me to open my heart and learn to use my voice.

what has changed.

I took the day off to visit some friends in San Marcus today.
I even forgot about the time and had to call into work today. They were not very happy with me, and as much as I know it was a irresponsible thing to do I really just needed today to relax and not think about work or really anything at all for that matter. I have been really stressed as well as upset (i suppose that is the correct word) and I have had stomach pains recently because of that.

I went up to see two of my favorite people. It was really nice just to have lunch with them and catch up on life. I did get to see another friend of mine, and that was nice as well, but I felt I was bothering him, or an inconvenience. He used to be a really good friend of mine, but recently things have changed. I am not saddened by that, I know thats how things are but I just have to wonder what I did to him. It really upset me that he was cold and seemed irritated, but then I stopped to wonder what was really going on. I know he has gone through a lot recently and things are not easy for him, helped a bit. :)
I have lost and gained friendships this past year the most. I do not treat my friends as if they are seasons, but I believe friends will come and go. Its such a blessing to have a friendship that teaches you something or even just have the chance to get to know an amazing person.
There are friends that will come and then for some reason you may lose contact with them. I do not believe that means you are a horrible person or that you did not care about that person but thats how life is.
As much as I say I have considered who I still want to be friends with and who I just feel God is changing directions for your friendship, those I saw today I do not want to lose.
To you three today thank you for your friendship you have taught me so much about life.
I really enjoyed seeing you today and hope that I will be able to see more of you.

Time is so scarce these days.

I have so many saved blogs that I am working on.
So many unsaid words that need to be spoken.
There are so many things I wish to accomplish.
there are unconscious decisions to resolve.
Important decisions set aside.
There are Life lessons to learned.
pictures to be captured.
memories to remember.
forgiveness to be asked for.
there is much more time to seize the moment.
and way over needed naps to be taken.

halloween

"trick or treat?"
what a treat it was this year.
As you get older some holidays are just not the same. Halloween is one of them.
Growing up I was never allowed to participate in anything to do with Halloween.
We had our own traditions though. I went to a private school until my 7th grade year.
We had a huge fall festival there, were we were all allowed to dress up, but as something of God's creation. It was fun to go to sonic and grab a corn dog on sale and then return to school to help decorate and set up. There were dunking booths, and the teachers and administrators would participate. Along with many other games and food. It was something to look forward to.
When the school closed the church took the fall festival into their responsibility's yet it was not the same.
I remember my first year I was allowed to actually treat or treat was I believe my sophomore year. By then I was almost too old.
My 5 year old brother is the youngest of our family to start public school from the very beginning.
Halloween was never a big deal to my family, But times are changing. I am sure my brother will change that for the family. He really enjoys dressing up and eating candy, as do all little kids.
Weird how traditions change.
I really did not do much this Halloween, hung out with some friends, took pictures and played hide in seek till the early morning at the park with some friends.
but here are some pictures I took.

I am not your mother,

I am not your mother although sometimes I feel I am.
I have to discipline you, and teach you what is wrong from right.
I fear that no one else will If I dont.

I am not the one who is suppose to raise you,
yet I am the one teaching you how to write your last name.
or the one who needs to make sure you brush your teeth and
tell you they will turn yellow and fall out if you do not.

I am not suppose to tell you that isn't a nice thing to say,
or threaten to take you to the bathroom if you do.
Your parents should be thinking about your education,
not me.

I am worried about your future,
when I am letting mine slip away.

I love you so much but I feel that I need to get away for awhile.
I know I hurt you when you thought I was not your family anymore.
I will always be your family,

I was the first one to tell you that I loved you,
did you know that?
I am not the one who is suppose to raise you but I always will.

consistencies.

How am I? this is a question I hate to answer.
ask any of my friends and they will tell you that when something is bothering me I will change the subject numerous times until someone one gives in.

My life is at a stand point. I am not going anywhere really but my feet are just on the ground. If they were on level ground that would not be so hard on myself but they are not. I am just existing but rather living. I have been beating myself up for not taking amazing classes nor do I have the greatest job(s).
I am am just making ends meet and going with the flow is how things are going right now.

I stayed at the house that I lived at for almost 4 of the 5 months I was out of the house my senior year. It was really hard. I have avoided going there as much as I could since then, even though that used to be my hide away, as well as the place where I could talk and let everything out. That is something I do not allow myself to do anymore.
I was not there more than 5 hours each day and yes that is calculating the time I slept. Therefor it was a very tiring week.
I could not help but also wish I was comfortable there, because i missed that comfort. It is strange to say that I came home during the day to get things done as well as take a shower and different things. The place I have tired to get away from is the place I returned but not cause I felt security there but because it was familiar.
That has been a constant theme in my life.
Something that I am need to work on. I have fallen back into some old "habits" if you want to call them that.
I am not sure why but that because it is something that I have never and deny to resolve. It has been a constant that I am not sure how to let go.

I love sleep. my life has the tendency to fall apart when Im awake you know?
-- Ernest Hemingway

its been a really hard week this is only one of the things that are bothering right now but that okay I suppose life goes on. Life goes on.

My gold shoes

We all have our favorite shoes, the one we were almost everywhere.
The ones that even though they may not match they some how make the outfit complete.
Well mine happen to be a pair of gold sandals. I was in a hurry to find some shoes for a wedding for a good friend of mine. I needed something comfortable yet classy. I was not leaning towards heels because I have horrible balance, I am quite a klutz in fact. I was not certain I wanted flats either, I was helping set up for the wedding so flats sounded ideal yet I wanted to still look nice.

I have had some many adventures in these shoes. I have gone on numerous photo days in these shoes. One in particular when I feel in the middle of the rail road tracks when a train was coming because I was not wearing proper shoes. I have spilled things I should have not, and well as fell in mud these shoes. I have danced in these shoes at a dance hall, as well as in a park, and at a party. I have gone to the beach in these shoes with friends. I have said goodbye to friends as well as met new friends in these shoes. I have wished I had worn other shoes several times. I giving these shoes human characteristics without meaning to do so.

These shoes are not a friend of mine, nor am I trying to make it seem like I am obsessed with these gold shoes but they have been though a lot with me. They have been comfort for all the trips and walking I have done in them.
It is funny how something such as your favorite shoes have memories such as these. I was not even going to get the gold sandals, I was about to get black heels instead. I left the store but then came back to purchase the sandals instead. How grateful I am for that. Its funny to say I do not even know what shoes I wore before these.
This is something that has a shinny lining in my life,
memories..
I am needing to retire these "Golden shoes". The people and the memories are in the past... yet the memories are embedded in gold in my heart and will stay there until Gold in no longer valuable.

day of silence.

Red duct tape covering our mouths, helped us to show we were taking part in the Pro-life Day of Silent Solidarity. We carried fliers explaining why we are silent and hoped to educate others about the plight of the innocent children we are losing every day. Abortion is something I will stand up for, I am not going to participate or stand up for something I hardly believe in.
This topic is something that is dear to my heart. I thought about it and prayed about it and I felt that this really was something I wanted to participate in this year, and possible the years to come.

It was an experience I would not trade yet it was a very hard day. I was treated by some people as If i had a disease. While others would not even look at me or speak to me, but only make hand gestures towards me. My first professor would not even acknowledge I was in the class. While a girl in the bath room gave me the most ugliest look I have ever gotten and continued to glare at me until she deliberately walked across the restroom to get away from me as she continued to stare.

It was not so much that I wanted everyone to believe what I believed or I wanted to change their way of thinking but I wanted to be a part of those who were standing up in hope of at least encouraging others to do the same. It was also a great time that I was able just to sit there and pray and think. We do not realize how much we do not think or pray during the day because we get to concerned about ourselves, until you lose your voice.

No matter how hard you think it will be, or how embarrassed you think you may feel, it is never a bad thing to be yourself and to hold on to what you believe. Do not be afraid to show who you are and stand up for what you believe or consider right.

"would you include me in this journey?"

Sometimes I feel Like I am not doing much with my life. I do not feel like I am working hard enough, or being the nicest person. I was voted the rudest person in my family, by my family. I do not deny that tittle although it is not one I am always proud of. Life can be boring at sometimes, heck what am I saying most of the time it is not very adventurous. I feel claustrophobic often because I feel I am stuck. I am stuck here when I would rather be anywhere else.

I keep to think and come up with a solution one simple answer to one of the many questions I have right now. “God why do you still have me here?

No matter how hard I try, or seek in prayer my answer remains the same, wait.

I am so tired of waiting. I am like a little kid, I long for answers, I am in need of some guidance.

I have slipped the last couple of months, I have done many things I wish I hadn't.

Didn't do things I wish I had.

I have made some choices I can not undo. I have said somethings to people I can not take back.

I have strayed from having a relationship with the most important person in my life. I have not been a friend to those who are my closest friends.

I just need to apologize to those who I have hurt or have not been there for.

I am having a hard time figuring out what is wrong and what is right.

My moral chart has a crack in it. I not believe I can buy a replacement at the store.

Maybe it all boils down that I am confused right now in life. I am worn out.

No matter how well you wash your car or how much you spend getting a new paint job the inside of the car will remain the same. The interior of the car is still old and worn out.

I am ready to just find out what I am going to do for even the next semester. I am tired of being left out in the cold. “God would you include me on this journey?” I just need someone to walk beside me and hold my hand, or at least lie to me and tell me it will work out soon enough.

I am not one to talk to people, I am not good at sharing what is on my mind.

Although lately I just wish someone would be okay listening to me. I am not trying to be downer, oh and please do not feel sorry for me. I just need to get out what is going on.

I am tired, I am lost, I am so ready to give up. More importantly I am ready to give in.

good times

I have had some really good times the past few weeks.
It has really helped me out because I have not been doing the best lately.

A few weeks ago one of my best friends Josh called me up and a few of us went to the park and just hung out for a few hours. Then I believe the weekend after that He and my friend Anna Bibb went dancing with a few other people. That was a blast. Even though I did get home at 4am. Of course after eating at our favorite early morning place- Ihop.
A few times during the week he would call me to just hang out. We danced at our favorite park and just had a really good time just talking. I have really been needing that lately. It has been really nice to have a good guy friend. Someone I can trust and ask Guy geared questions. I have not had that in a while now.

This past saturday two of my best friends Anna and Josh went to eat Mexican food. One of Josh's last Mexican dinners, as well as the last meal we would have with him for a really long time.
Then we went to our park and hung out there for awhile until we decided we wanted cool-aid.
We stayed up until around 6am Sunday morning just talking and enjoying each others company. We made s'mores and just sat by the fire.
We talked about everything from why we are such good friends, to relationships and even religion. It has to have been one of the best nights I have had. Even though all of these I have mentioned are pretty great.
It has really left me thinking. A good friend of mine has been telling me I should cut ties with a few friends that are not building me up.
Yet I am torn because Honestly these are really some of my closest friends.

I mean yes I do not always act as I should around them. I am a bit different hanging around them, yet I am who I am around them. No faking anything. I can trust them with anything and they in return do the same to me.
I am not sure what this rambling is about, maybe just thinking about things.

I sure am Missing my friends right now.
I could really use a good talk again.
where are those letters?

I are a bit tired of acting like I have everything together, yet at the same time It is easier that way, and that is who I am.

dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams.
I was never one to be told "shoot for the stars." or "follow your dreams"
I always like to tell people I dream in color. In fact it means two different things. It means that I have huge dreams and that I dream sometimes the impossible. Yet it also means that I dream in color, although I have dreamed in black and white.

I have not slept very well in the last few weeks, due to the vivid dreams I have had lately.

I had a dream about a good friend of mine about 2 weeks ago. I woke up at around 6 in the morning crying. I had a weird dream that he was sick or hurt in some way. I could see him clearly laying in a bed. It was a hard dream to handle. I didn't know what to do but pray. I immediately sat up and prayed. Later to find out that week that in fact he was sick and on bed rest. I did not think much of that but that it was from God to pray for him.

On Tuesday of this week I had the worst dream about my father. I do not wish to even talk about it right at this moment. It had to do with his health as well as a big fear of mine God has been working through me right now. I woke up to my dad trying talking to me, it scared me half to death. I do not believe I was to kind too him.

on Friday night I had two dreams.

the first was about my ear. Yes that may sound weird but if you know me then you will understand why that is not so odd.

I was at my old church (a place I have been thinking about more than usual). My ear was on fire and it would not go out. I was surrounded my old friends, people that I dearly miss. It was weird because I woke up thinking that if something "tragic" happened to me I want certain people around me as well as that I needed to stay in contact with others. I remember in my dream, as I was trying to contain the fire on my ear, that even though my ear was deformed it was okay because those who love me and those who matter to me most will look past the deformation.
which is weird because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Who I have given up on trying to maintain a friendship as well as who I need to put more effort in.

The same night I had a dream about a good friend of mine. I was at her house because she was moving. It was empty but my brother and I were both there for some reason. It was fine at first but then after awhile it became dangerous. It was night time and there were intruders that were robing the house while I was there. My brother was nowhere to me found. I remember thinking in my dream that is common for my brother. He is either to consumed about himself or he is along side my family when I am in trouble or in confusion. The robbers started to push me because I was in their way. (I will not go into great detail about this part, at least not on here)
but after what seemed like hours I blacked out of fell asleep. Later on that night a good friend of the family who is now in heaven came to rescue me, but I would not allow him to. I screamed something along the lines that "you left me." not sure what that was about. I ran all the way home, (which that is not possible)
then I was at church that following Sunday and i was surrounded my friends but that was not enough from keeping me from crying. I was crying uncontrollably because I was so ashamed and need to apologize to my friend's father. There is more to this dream but that is the just of it.

I talked to my friend just last night and she told me that her family was considering moving but they were not sure. it is weird because I woke up crying after this dream at 5:30 in the morning. I could not control myself until finally I feel asleep.

last night I wanted anything to sleep with out dreaming. I decided I would fall asleep watching tv to hopefully distract myself. But nevertheless I had another dream. This time It was about my family. One of my aunts gave all her nieces a "gift" I will not come right out and say what it was right now.
I do not remember if she was sick or dying but she insisted we all take it.
it was not a normal thing for all of us to do, yet we all respected her wish. For some odd reason it had a weird effect on me and it hurt me. I was saddened by this because I did not normally have a problem with it nor did I want to disappoint my family as I have always done. I remember thinking that I usually fit in quite well with my cousins, why couldn't I this time? Which some times is not always the best thing. My sister was not present because she does not "fit" in with them nor does she really associate with them.


this dreams have really made me think more lately. My parents think I am just eaten too late. others do not understand them. I am not sure what the think of them. But that I wish I could get some sleep. I am severely lacking.

something I wish I could tell you.

a song I wrote for a friend today at work.
not going to show it to them though.


It is going to be a journey to find out
To find out what's going on.

You start the conversation.
I promise to be kind

Let's share this journey.
Let's share this time.
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine.

No need to carry me
I have feet of my own
I have two good feet

I went down to one of my favorite spots,
Where the planes fly by.
I felt a feeling in my chest.
I suppose you could call it my heart.

Here I go again
Here it goes again.

Come on, come on,
Won't you come?
Let's take a walk.

Let's share this journey
Let's share this time
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine

We don't need to fall in love,
Don't worry.
All I want is for you to love.
Love yourself and love OUR father
That is the love we share.

Leave the past behind
Let's stay in the present
To cherish this moment.

No need to carry me,
I have two good feet.

No need to walk hand in hand
My hand is fine on it's own...

You start the conversation
I promise I will listen.

dear friend,

(must say dear friend before each,)

dear friend,

I am remembering when you told me some very harsh things, I still remember how much how much it hurt.

Have I told you that you are forgiven?

I am remembering all the times when my heart raced when I would see you. What a silly girl I was.

I am so thankful for the years we spent in high school together. It would have not been the same with out you.

I am grateful for the encouragement you have given me.

I can pin point the words you told me that night I sat on my roof and you told me you had something to tell me. I was afraid that was the end of our friendship.

I am thinking of the time when we had so much fun in my kitchen making cookies and having a flour fight. I think I won by the way.

I am considering that you may have been right all along and that I was too stubborn to see it.

I am sorry for the rude things I may have said to you, I really do think you are an amazing person.

I remember all the late night adventures you and I had.

wow you sure got me into lots of trouble all the years I have know you. I loved every time.

I can still recall the songs you sang to me and how you smiled when you missed a beat. I am sorry but, I am beginning to forget the sound of your voice.

have I told you how much I love you?

I am grateful for the times we got together to talk. I can remember the first time we meet, I thought you were so Real. I want to tell you again thank you for being my friend.

Oh my. I am wearing a goofy smile looking back at all the laughs we have shared.

I remember the ipod wars we used to have. BTW I owned you at all those.

I am trying not to forget all the secrets you told me, and the ones I trusted you with. I miss the sound of your voice.

I remember the times when all we did was sit on the phone with each other and not feel the need to even talk. The hours spent on the phone just listening.

I remember the nights we stayed up really late and would chug red bulls to keep us awake.

Remember how we would have sleepovers like little girls?

I am thinking about all the times we went to jamba juice. I am craving some, wish you were here to go with me. How weird I do not even know where you are.

Do you remember the games we used to play when we were little? We had such imaginations. How is that imagination of yours?

I can recall the quite whispering from all the nights we stayed up late just talking and laughing. Remember the phrase we used to say? "okay this is the last word."

I hope you had fun for those many times you picked on me. Or the times when you will continue to pick on me.

Reflecting on the time spent with you, I long for more. Why can you not live closer?

remember the crafts we used to make? now we do not even speak to each other. how sad is that.

It feels like a few years ago when I would crawl under your bed and grab the tin of cookies. How I wish you would see how big I am. I wish you were here with me.

I remember you were one of the first people I would tell everything to. How are you my friend?

you used to always draw on my papers in class, and distract me from learning. I do not blame you for what I did not learn that year.

I am remembering so many faces, so many smiles yet I am beginning to forget your laughs, your voices. What I will not forget is the impact you have had on my life.
I want to thank you for that.

Love you always,
amy


I have really been reminiscing about the past lately. Remembering the hard times, the times I felt like giving up. I have held on to the good times, the amazing friendships I had.
I am remembering the wonderful talks with good people, the laughs with most.
The honesty I have shared with some, the bickering I have been though with others.

Why Am I remembering so much recently? It is putting me in a unusual mood.

even when life is tiring

I had the craziest, stressful, tiring day yesterday, while volunteering to help at another portrait studio.

I was a complete mess. I was running around trying to be polite to everyone while still trying to hold my authority over them because they will easily walk all over me. After all was done, and I answered everyone's questions and took my best shot at getting their portraits taken I finally had time to breath and take the last sitting. It was a great one because it was just one person vs the huge families I had done earlier that day.

I finally just closed the studio the best I could and hurried out of there.
I called one of my favorite people, on my way home. I told her how my day went and I really just wanted to talk to her. One thing she told me was that the good thing about working is that you can just leave it artas work, there is no need to carry it home with you. Even though I knew that it was nice to be reminded of that.

At the end of the day I was tired and grumpy and a bit stressed but I then reminded myself that no matter how to day ends, no matter how much I want to quit, or how much I wish I had done something different, at the end of the day all we have to do is give the day to the Lord. The Lord gives us a new day.

psalms 30:5
⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.


<sup>Lamentations 3:23-23

22</sup>The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

bake potato with out cheese

There are very rare times I find myself trying new things or allowing myself to adjust.
I have really been stretched recently, and quicker than I thought possible.

Tonight I after I changed from work I heard a rumbling noise and realized that was my stomach simply asking for food. As I am gathering all the toppings while waiting for my bake potato to cook, I realize there is no chesse. I am not sure about you, but for me, CHEESE is a necessity. There are many times when I can improvise but not a situation such as this.

In life sometimes I find myself with out strength or courage or even contentment, and I some how find myself moving on. You can not improvise for things such as these but that is when it takes allowing to try some new things.

I find myself comparing. It is not a good thing most of the times. I kept thinking tonight "Well If only I had cheese this would taste so much better." What a silly thing to even think about because there is nothing I can do about it. Just like many other things in life, I am just learning to adjust to changes and to learn that does not mean it will not come around or happen again but for now I need to learn to allow myself to be open to new things. If I let things slide by or I do not give it a shot then I may never realize how it could have been or how much I could do with out something or even how much I love/miss/appreciate something. :)

I found myself just last night comparing two very different friendships while adding in a new one to think about. I then reminded myself that both of these friendships I value and that friendships can simply not be compared.

Just as I could not have cheese on my potato I can not have everything just the way I would like it but some times it is the willingness and the strength that leads your to new opportunities.

How nice would it be though if life was like a condiment bar. You would to choose and pick or determine what would make your life better or even what would suit your life.

I am not settling nor am I trying to improvise for what can not be I am just learning to adjust and to let go of my "perfect picture" of that person(s) as well as life.

I have come a long way.

A few weeks ago if you had asked me what I was planning on doing in the fall my answer would have been the same- "I am not sure yet."
Every time someone asked me where I was going to college I would roughly reply "Probably nowhere." or "I am really not sure if I want to even go to college."

I had no will or desire or some times I will admit I had no strength to even attend college. I was to much weighed down by my own piety to even think about possibilities.
It seemed everyone was going to some great university and little me was here undecided. If only there was a school for the undecided that you needed not to have great grades or a plan, that would be my school.

It wasn't until about 3 days before school was going to start that I actually had signed up for classes. A few weeks prior to that I registered but didn't go the full nine yards just yet.
Now I am attending college at a community college, getting a few basics done, nothing to spectacular.
yet, I have been blessed. I am taking a class with two of my favorite people, something that I never would have imagined to happen. It is truly a God thing, because this is about the only time it will ever be. I have also met some really great people in some other classes that I look forward to getting to know this semester. Of course I miss my friends who went off to college but I am glad that I can find more peace in waiting what his plan and not taking it into my own hands. That was not too successful for me this past summer.

while I may not have a plan right now, nor am I attending a university, I am learning that God has me exactly where he wants me and when time allows He will move me. I would not have given up things even this beginning of the fall. For example taking my little brother to his first day of kindergarten.

my brothers on their first day of school.

Thank you God for putting me exactly where you want me to be, and never giving up on me. No matter how stubborn I am.

other ways to say good bye.

Latley it has been hard to say goodbye.
That is an odd thing to be because that is one of a little child's first motion or word.

To me saying good bye is a hard thing to do. It is also hard seeing everyone go off to college while I am still residing here. It is not a comfortable thing for me the ponder. I would rather be leaving and going to college like so many are. I am a bit discouraged about everything that has been happening recently. I am trying to remind myself that there is a reason I am still here. That is not an easy thing to do, nor is it something I want to consider.

I am however grateful for the friends that are still here with me, the ones that I look forward to getting to know even better this year. I am going to spend a lot of time investing into the lives of those who are here and those who I have failed to get to know on a deeper level.

I am saddened by the fact that many of my good if not best friends are starting a new journey in their lives, but I am excited to see what God has in stored for mine.
There are a few friends in particular that I am having a harder time grasping that they are not a car ride away anymore, but that is something that will take time.

saying goodbye is not a motion nor is it a word, it is acknowledgment that a simple word such as that will not end a friendship. There is more to a friendship then just getting to know each other, and then the next second you form a new friendship. It is about opening yourself to allowing God to work through your life and form a relationship with those He has put in your path. It has been a hard thing for me to learn that sometimes you have to find it within yourself to realize that some friendships are unhealthy and not pleasing to God, no matter how hard you try to look at it a different way or justify the friendship.

Sometimes in means becoming distance from those who you consider a good friend because
it is easier to pull someone down then it is to bring them up.

2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? ¹⁵What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? ¹⁶What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
¹⁷"Therefore come out from them
and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."

I am going to miss some of the friendships I had this past year and I am not writing them off as something of the past but I think it is a wonderful thing that there are more Amazing people when you share the same connection-Jesus Christ.

A goodbye is not spoken and meant in its full content when a Real friendship is at hand.

where faith comes in.

"Even though I may fall flat on my face, I am realizing You Lord will be there to pick me up."

I have been praying and talking to God as well as a few great friends of mine recently.
It has been a very uncomfortable thing for the last few days. I feel the Lord is tugging at my heart and leading me a completely different way, and while I am excited about that I am not pleased.
I literally was arguing to Him and telling him that I didn't understand His plans for my life anymore. I am a very stubborn person. A lot of the times it will take me falling flat on my face before I realize that it would be so much easier to listen and obey God the first time but many of times it will almost take a whale to swallow me before I am sent on the road that God has planned for me.


I am not going to go into a large number of details because it is still something I am very much praying and thinking about. It has to do with deciding what I am meant to do with my life. I never thought I would reconsider not going to college. That has always been one of my hopes and dreams. Something I thought I was destined to do.
The more I want to avoid and pretend He is not speaking to me to louder and clearer He talks to me. I have not heard his voice this clear in a LONG time. I was telling a good friend of mine that just last night and while doing tears started to stream out of my eyes. I began to realize that this truly is of the Lord, for it was not tears of sadness but tears or anxiousness as well just surrendering.

This is a time in my life where my faith and trust really is being tested. I am really seeking prayer as well as seeking advice to those closest to me right now. This is going to be something that I feel will be a life changing event, but it will also show me A greater picture of God's plan for my life. No matter how far off it is from what I thought and very much out of my comfort zone.

The Lord reaveled to me that he is letting everything seem chaotic and out of my reach right now because he clearly told me just a few days ago "Amy, if only you would trust me and listen to my voice. I have different plans for you life." I was in complete shock.

I keep remembering Samuel thought he was hearing Eli calling out to him and repeatedly went to Eli to ask if he was calling for him.
I myself keep hearing God's voice but repeatedly doubt it is God.

"Speak, for your servant is listening." (Samuel 3:10)

"my heart desires a special k bar."

I have been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. Being fresh out of high school, with nothing holding me back it is quite easy to weigh out my options.
First of all I have not had my feet solid for awhile now, still working on getting them set. So when I think about the future it is nerve-racking to me. I begin to find myself being scared and very anxious about what lies in the future for me. I fail to have even the slightest bit of trust.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how he is going off into the military and so on. I couldn't help but think to myself, "wow. he has an actual plan. I am not even sure what classes I am going to take yet." I am a bit envious of those who seem to have it all together or at least are better acting at it then I am.

I am not sure what I want to do with my life. For as long as I can remember I always thought I knew what I wanted to do "when I grew up." There was being artist, a singer, and a writer.
Those were merely a childish dream and I soon discovered that I could not do any of these.
I am not very good at art, I love it but it is not something I am extremely talented at. I sound like a dying cat when I open my mouth to sing. Writing is something I would love to be good at but it is more of a hobby or a passion than a career. So I thought long and hard about this for quite sometime until I was in about 8th or 9th grade and I decided I wanted to be come a journalist.

Now with college approaching and its time to declare a major to plan classes as so forth. I begin to wonder If what my heart desires to do is something I am even good at, or more importantly what God wants me to do. My little brother and I were trying to figure out what he was going to eat for breakfast yesterday morning. We argued back and forth until finally he said "Well Amy my heart really desires a special K bar."
your heart's desires are always not what you should pursue. Nor are they what God has planned for you. You know? how do you separate what you want to do with what God wants you to do? I am afraid to fail once again.

I was telling the same friend the other day that I would rather just not go to school and travel. It is almost the honest truth. He is going into the military, and I am glad he is going because it will give him some time to discover things away from home and his comfort zone. It will also make him more of a man, (he is a bit of a wimp right now. haha) More importantly it will test his faith but also this change will make him grow.
I envy that.

I would honestly rather just take time off from college and life right now and get things figured out. I have still yet to solve many problems that I need to, and I feel overwhelmed and need a break. Yes summer was a good break but it was more of a time to relax than to solve things.
You heart is not always going to lead you the right way, nor will your dreams. I feel I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life but also to take the time away and grow closer to God. I need that the most right now.

I thought college was something I would be able to plan out, something that I was not going to regret, or even something I thought would finally work out my way.
Ha, it did not work out that way.
I have big plans for the 4 years. They didn't turn out exactly how I wanted.
I am frustrated with where I want to go with my life. For as long as I can remember I always had goals and dreams. Yes many of them did fail but I never felt as I do now.
Ready to give up.

Hm..
Thanks for listening.

my prayer.
I am trying to listen to your voice Lord but it is not very clear at this time in my life. Help me to hold on. Show me your Love and give me strength.

family

I never wanted to need someone because I was afraid they would disappoint me and then they would be gone and out of my world, just as quickly as they had entered into it.
I was afraid I would owe them something in return. That I would be in debt to them.
Even family. It always seemed that when ever anything went wrong, or I did something to disappoint my parents (once again) that they were never going to forget it. Most of the times, even still, is it held against me. It never seemed right. I specifically remember telling a youth leader of mine that I thought my parents only loved me because the had an obligation to love me. That is a sad thing to think when you are young.

When I was younger I wanted nothing more than grandparents who loved you and took you fishing, I though that is what I was missing in my family. Silly? Maybe so. I believed that my family was missing things “normal” families needed to be a FAMILY. As I grew older I began to see that my family was no where from perfect, we have are flaws just as everyone else does. The ideas in my mind never ceased, if anything those ideas turned to to reality and some truth.

The more time I spend with my family, the more I realize a few things. They are not HORRIBLE people, but they are not always the best for me around all the time. They bring me down and bring the worst out in me sometimes. Hey I am not saying that I do not love them, because the truth is I do. Yet I am learning more and more that sometimes it is just best to get away from even things you love, for your own good.

So I ask you- What does family mean to you?
I am sure it is completely different then my definition.
The truth is when I think of family I think of my surrogate family. Those people that have been there when I needed them the most. The people who offered me a home when I was broken offering me a shelter. I can name a few people that I consider more to be family then those who are related to me. Sad? I do not think of it that way, I see it as more of a blessing that I have those people in my life to show me how a family should be.

The point of this post is not to talk about how horrible my family is but to remind myself about how God has brought me very important people in my life to act as family to me. I was thinking about this the other day, and the people I miss when I go out of town are not usually my family I live with, but those who I consider family.

A good quote I found in a book the other day,
“We can't expect everybody to be there for us, all at once. So it's a lucky thing that really, all you need is someone. "

I have been working on this post for a good week now. This is a touchy subject for me to talk about because it is something that still bothers me and this is not the whole post. Yet, In the end all you really need is a family. You do not have to share the same blood or the same DNA but those are the people you could not imagine life without, those selective people that you truly trust. They are those people you can tell them you love them and they will return the same love with out expecting anything in return.

being a girl

How many times a day do I say "Ugh I hate being a girl,"? More than I can keep track of.
I am not necessarily saying I wish God had made me a boy, but I am just trying to make a point.
Being a girl is not an easy thing. Especially today in society. There are many times when I am aggravated because I am not the "ideal girl." I do not like wearing dresses or wearing shoes that make my feet hurt or add to my already clumsiness. I am a simple person, who would wear jeans and lip flops everyday if I could.

I love to see those girls younger than me all dressed up, with pounds on make up on their faces because that was never me. I have to hold myself back from wanting to give them a wipe for their face or making a remark. Even though I was never one of those girls to want to be noticed, or to be the center of attention, I do believe we struggle with the same things in life.

Being girl does not always mean we have to act like we have everything together, neat and organized. It does not mean that because I am a girl that there will always be drama and emotions. Being a girl is something completely different, and guys will never fully understand that. HA most of us girls will not either.

I am going to say this even though it is pretty embarrassing for me to say, but I will say it always.
I received my first kiss this summer. (I am blushing night now of course.)
I am 19 and that is pretty old not to have been kissed before now, but that is just the kind of person I am.

anyways....
because I am a girl and girls generally care more about relationships than guys do I was a bit love struck. Not necessarily for this guy but just in general. I beat myself up about this a lot for a few weeks. I felt like such a girl to act how I acted. Although in general I am always fighting emotions because it bugs me to show emotions.

I feel it I need to hide any emotions I feel, and I still do this.
I was talking to a good friend the other day and she noticed that when I say "oh it is okay," that it might not be. I catch myself saying "its okay." or "its fine," more than I should.

I do not like being a girl because I am afraid that people will find me annoying or that I am not worthy enough.

"oh she is just such a girl."

I hate the emotions as well as the false expectations that are put on a girl.
I am not an ordinary girl, I do not wish to be an ordinary girl.

a mental list I made in my brain today about the benefits or being a girl and the negatives.

positives.

1. are not expected to do all the yard work. (I helped my dad with trimming trees today, glad I will not be expected to go into the family business.)
2. Generally more kind.
3. can wear clothes other than jeans and shorts.
4. we can give someone a hug and no one question if we are gay.
5. look better in a two piece.

negatives.
1. can not as freely take off our shirts when its hot.
2. usually more emotional.
3. expected to be more put together.
4. apparently we are not allowed to have a close guy friend with out expectations to date him.
(that is just crap if you ask me. I have lots that are just amazing friends in my life.)
5.

ill think about more later.

all for a swim suit.

yes I did get into a car wreck today. I know you do not want to hear my boring story about the actual wreck, so I will spare you. What I will say is that it was not my fault, but the cop said it was because he had right of way, even though I was not moving.
Anyways. I am super sore. My shoulder and arm are killing me. I am about to go take medication and hope It is not worse tom. I am just in a bit of shock and SO grateful I am not any more hurt than I am. My car is not very pretty.

After all of this, I just was not in the best mood today. I went to a friends house to swim. I was on my way to get a new swim suit when plans changed. I rode my sisters bike there because no one would give me a ride and honestly I was not in the mood for driving.

My friend made my day to day though. He picked me up and took me for get some ice cream. I had not seen him in a while, and it was really nice to get out and have some fun. He really made my day! :)

all of this to say that, I have been doing a lot of thinking to day, and examining my life right now. Not looking towards the future and not into the past, but here, RIGHT HERE.

I am not doing much with my life right now. No car now, no job, no boy friend, no plan for college, no major decision, and no life changing things going on right now.
I am just living life.
some people would call that lame and I would agree but hey apparently this is where God wants me at the moment. Who knows why? Yet I am still listening to Him and reminding myself He is in control. I am so glad that I did not kill someone. Or that my friend and I were not seriously hurt. Even though it was on a road way and not a high way, I know it could have been so much more worse.

Things have been really crazy and stressful in my life right now, and I really did not need this to add to it all, but it will work out. From not having a job to getting my car fixed. I know it will, I just need to have faith and trust that the Lord has a plan.

I went out today, just for a swim suit, in return I got a whole more.

freedom.

You know how we have more freedom than most countries because we live in the united states?
You will always here those poeple talking about how teenagers do not understand or respect the freedom we are given.

Ha.

On a different note- Parents are suppose to give their kids freedom to make choices, and just hope they are the wise ones. They just trust that what their kids have been taught is what is God's plan and that they are able to chose what is right from wrong right?
No teenager wants over-bearing parents who are constantly breathing down their necks.
That leads to rebellion as well as just fighting amongst families.

like always I got into another fight with my parents tonight. This week we have probably gotten into it almost ever day. Although tonight was different. I have not gotten threatened to get kicked out of the house in a while now. We argued about freedom and in the end I yelled at him and told him fine but he would pay.

If you don't know a lot about me and my past then this would come as a surprise to you.
I have a very rude tone and sarcasm when it comes to those two who "raised me."
The conversation ended on a bad note and I returned home to just go straight into my room, not a "hello I am home." nope nothing.

You know, Freedom comes with age right?
Well some at least. I do not understand how parents can be so naive, and so judgmental as well as contradicting. I hate the comparison game when it comes to raising your children.

I am just really annoyed right now and really confused.

how my mind works. or better how it doesnt work.

recently I have been in this numb feeling in life.
I care, I do. Yet I am really not allowing myself to care, right now. It is just too much. So if you hear me say I do not care, I secretly do.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just do not seem to be able to face much right now, I just want to walk the other way and almost hide. Hide in my own insecurities. Hide from the past, but more importantly the truth.

I am not a person that can not handle the truth when faced with it, but this is more of a personal truth. Ill explain. I honestly do not feel very.... special or time-worthy. I really have a very low self esteem. If you know me well enough you will know exactly what I mean. It is something I am very aware of, but not something I can change. That is honestly just who I am. So when situations (such as the ones I am dealing with and have been dealing with the last couple of months) come up, I can not handle them. I do not know how to react. Let me be more specific.
I am not good at receiving complements. I am told I am a blessing blocker. I really am. So if some tells me something, I get really embarrassed and just quickly change the topic. why is that?
I hate being a girl. I love the complements but I can not allow myself to, or even to accept them.

so more recently I have been confronted with things that have made me very uncomfortable. Especially things about my past, and thing I am still struggling with. I am beginning to realize where I am on the journey I thought I had passed. I thought I had left a lot behind, but I soon came to reality that it really has not been that long. I am not implying that I am caught up by certain things, but more that I need to still be careful and maintain my faith and trust in The Lord. If it was not for Him, I would not be where I am today.

All of that to say that I am not going to push myself to hard right now, nor am I going to beat myself up for everything. I am taking the time to realize just how far the Lord has brought me, but also keeping in mind that I still have a lot of work to do in my life.

what a trip.

Honestly I was not really excited about the trip at first. When my youth leader told me to think and more importantly pray about possibly going on the trip, one of the first thoughts in my mind was "heck no." I am so grateful that God does not give up on us when we are stubborn but allows us the strength to preserver. Even though my heart was not completely calm about going, I decided it could not hurt to pray about going. For a few weeks I felt something in my heart stirring about going, I even talked to a friend about it and his heart is for missions so that may have opened my heart a bit more. I felt God wanted me to go on the trip but I of course allowed my self to think over the top, and of course logical. I told myself that the only way I was going if it was ultimately God's will. It cost over 500 dollars to go on the trip, and I was determined that if it was His plan for me togo then the money would not be a problem.

I love how when you but your faith and trust in God, and with out fully putting your mind there, you can still be blown away. I am so grateful for God soften my heart to going on this trip. I was a a leader along with 2 other people over the 8th grade girls. I was not sure how that was going to work out but I was excited about it. I really loved the time spent with the girls, either by continuously nagging on them to drink water or the one on one conversations I had with some of them.

For me word of encouragement is one of my love languages. So if it is a spoken or a written encouragement. I have been spending a lot of my quiet time in Ecclesiastes and there is one verse that really stuck out to me this week,
Ecclesiastes 7: 1. “A good name is better than a fine perfume.” I shared this with one f my girls this week and she in return wrote me a note as well. It was such a great time to be able to share with her some of my experiences as well as just to be able to sit down with her and talk about her fears and knowing I can relate to her.
I also had a chance to hang out with one of my friends this week as well. I was so glad she went. I tease that I was tired of her but the honest truth... are you ready for this?
I love her to death. I am so grateful for her friendship. I have only known her a short time but her friendship means more to be than some of my close friends. She has spoken so much into my life for the short time I have known her. She is just an honest and real person and the he girls adore her.

There were many other times when I had the honor of seeking through some of the girls lives, but they also in return really taught me so much this week. Some of them are some of the strongest people I have met, while others of them are filled with so much Joy from God, that they are encouragements to me. I could continue to go on and on about this week because it really was an amazing week. I am so excited to form stronger relationships with them as well as other. I am praying about investing more into their lives this month as well as in the future. I believe that is what God wants me to do this month. I am really excited.

mission trip

leaving on a mission trip tom. or actually today
It is exciting because really this the my first trip (besides the senior trip) with my new church.
I am really excited to see what the Lord has planned for me this week.
It is going to be amazing to see the relationships grow as well as strengthen between our group and those we are going to help.

I am a bit sad as well because a good friend of mine just got back into town from a trip and another one is leaving to go to port a to work for the whole summer.

we are just passing each other right by. I did get to see both of there lovely faces tonight, that was reassuring but at the same time it is a bit sad how we are all moving in different directions. this is the first glance of how life will be in a few months.
I am saddened and happy right now.


not to mention that I just got into it with my father. (i call them "respectfully" when I am angry) so we are leaving on bad terms as usual.
which is not surprising but I think we are beginning to see each other eye to eye that his authority over me is not the same as it was when I was 5.

I dont know.
keep me in your prayers this week.
I have been having a rough week this week. With just everything.
I am excited to take this week off.
especially from work drama, as well as the hours put into work.

off I go.

I needed this.

just as I am about to go to bed. REALLY frustrated with everything that is going on right now in my life. I fail to remember to go to God!
I decided I would continue to read Ecclesiastes 4. As I have been reading the last few nights.
I AM IN AWE of the two verses I believe God is telling me right now.
I want to elaborate on this later but I will give a quick summary now.

the first is 4 verse 16. "...This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." You will not find true happiness until you completely open your heart to God. or in my situation, I wont find love or a relationship until I fully allow myself to be loved, or even more deeper to allow myself to love MYSELF and love God and accept his love. (easier said than done.)
I am hurting right now. I am hurting you hear?
I will flat out say it.
I may always try to hid it and I can be good at it. BUT I am tried of trying that right now.
yes, yes God may be working through my life but its too much right now. I don't want to deal with it.
I just want to draw myself out of those relationships, and I will.

I need that right now.



verse two.

Ecclesiastes 4:2 and 3.
"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart..... let your words be few."
"as a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words."

if that does not tell you enough then you need to read those two verses again and again.
I feel I need to just take a break from talking. Not to be quick to speak especially with what is going on right now.
PLUS I just do not feel like explaining myself right now, nor do I need to.
I am not saying if a good friend comes up to me and asks what is going on,
I am not going to avoid them like a plague but I do not necessarily have to make them believe me or justify myself.

But most importantly I am not going to try so hard to make anything work.
I am going to go with the flow. Let someone indicate the conversation this time.
I am tired of talking.
I am tired of going in circles with you.
I am finished.
MY heart is closed, my thoughts are jumbled,
my heart is confused, my brain is tired.
I am physically and emotionally worn out.

My birthday was a really good one. I am now officially old. Birthdays do not excite me, not at all. WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE A DAY WHERE YOU GET OLDER? Not me thats for sure. I met with a friend before my birthday and she told me she thought I had a pride problem. I do not believe that to be the case at all. I am just not one who likes to be the center of attention. I never have, and doubt I will ever be. “Happy birthdays” and singing make me embarrassed.

I did not even realize my birthday was coming up. When growing up you count down weeks and weeks beforehand to the very day, when you get older things change. Just as an old women would need reminding, I was reminded several times my birthday was approaching. It took the reminding for me.
I was more focused on graduating that it slipped my mind.

Finally the day came. I convinced my brother to go with me to the gym around 11 the night before.
I went swimming and received tons of text messages to start off the celebrating. I went home late to find myself just to wake up early. I went for a run with my father and he teased me that I was old and my 5 year old brother could keep up with the pace now.

I went to lunch with my mom and my siblings. Then I went to swim and hang out with friends and went swimming. I had to leave to help my mom cook an enchilada dinner for some of my friends and myself of course. I had a pretty fun dinner hanging out and laughing. Then a couple of my friends stayed over late and we watched two movies. I was a bit sad that a good friend of mine ( :D) did not make it but I was blessed with the people that did come. We stayed up late laughing and just hanging out. One friend of mine told me today that he felt bad that he did not know it was my birthday, even though I had invited him to hang out. I am not that person to advertise my birthday. Unfortunately that is what facebook is for.

It was a good day. I had low expectations for the day, and really glad I was proven wrong.

graduation

graduation was at first a scary thing. It meant transitioning from high school to the "real world."

I am being dramatic yes, but it was somthing that was not comfortable to me. I was nervious and a bit sad yesterday, I could barley even focus enough to run the errands I needed to accomplish.

I was making things more complcated then needed to be. I cried a few times that day, I was extreamly happy but about the same level of sadness.

finally it was time for graduation and I was a complete mess. I was running late and very nevious and upset at my mother for adding to my choas. The ceremony was long but my youth leaders kept me entertained by texing me.

All of this to say, that until the actual moment I walked across the stage it really had not hit me yet that I actually made it. After everything was over, we threw up our caps, that was the first moment I felt free. Free from high school, free from childesh things, free to move on!
I was so happy that night that a friend of mine could tell from my text messages, how hyper I was.

I went to hang out with one of my favorite people then went back to the party and hung out with everyone until around 6 and then went to bed for an hour.

I was high on emotions that I did a few things that I knew I shouldn't have or even things I knew I should have but didn't. but I am leaving everything in God's hands. I honestly could not have made it this far with out him and I am not planning on trying to go any further with out Him.

I am excited to see what HE has planned for my life.
I am waiting not always pacient but I know His hand is holding me and His steps are before me.
I am excited. I really am.

feeling the need to go UP.

I am a chid because I have not experienced all there is. I am closer to being an adult because I wish to experience more and the childish things are no longer appealing to me.

Age does not determine when you are mature, it is the wisdom and the guidance you have that determines if you are ready to step out into this world on your own. Stay a child as long as you want, please, but no that the longer you take the harder it will be. It is a comfort zone to not have to transition but I guarantee you the step towards becoming an adult is worth all the trouble. I no longer wish to be a child because I want to grow up and experience life, yes I envy a child's love for wanting to live life but I want more than colorful rainbows and band aids that make a cut stop hurting. I want scars and heart aches. 

I want adventure and passion to be a part of my life. I want love and relationships that are meaningful and are long lasting but glorify God and ones that we lift each other up. I want to be a vessel for God, and no longer depend on others as a source of guidance. I want to experience life! I want to make my life meaningful and I want to encourage others. I want to be used. I want to feel lead and not allow things to hinder me. I want life and I want all that is meant for my life. I am sorry if you are one of the people I am talking about but I am no longer letting my feeling get in the way. 

I am grateful for the laughs and the time spent together but honestly I feel I am not going any where with some of you. I long for relationships, I long for someone I can trust and depend on. I want you to feel you can depend on me for the same. Yes I do love those relationships where I can let go and just be me and have some fun, I am not necessarily talking about those. I am talking about the ones that are wearing me out. I am done putting effort into the relationship where I am just hurt, not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because it is wearing me down and we are not building each other up as we are meant to do. More importantly because our relationships is not pleasing to God, it is standing in my way.

As I grow older I begin to see which relationships mean something to me and which are mealy just there for convenience. As I am going to hopefully go off to college soon I began feel sadness about falling out of touch with some friends. To be completely honest there are some people that I cant not even begin to express how happy I will be to disconnect from then. Sounds bad? It is honesty.

I went to see a children's move called UP tonight, with a friend of mine. I was a bit cheesy but that was expected. I was not sure how exactly the night would turn out because I used to be really good friends with this person and more recently we have no longer been close. It was a good night but I couldn't help but feel it would not be repeated anytime soon. Where that usually might bother me, didn't phase me much if any tonight. I did not feel much of a need to have to keep the conversations going nor did I care very much to recall life events that she may not have heard about. God is really working in my life where I am not in a place of needing approval of anyone for that matter.

I am content and grateful for the strong few relationships I have now.

I went to a friends house the other day and all we did was sit around and talk about life, relationships. School and so on. It was one of the best nights I have had in the longest times.

Then I met a friend for happy hour yesterday and I loved it. She and I enjoyed our slushies and caught up on life. There was a time at my life where I cried out to God for friendships because I was longing for relationships and I was searching in hope to find meaning in my life.... and so on. All that to say as I look back and read those journals I am saddened that I was once at that point in my life but I am so much more grateful that I am now where I am.

I know I am not grow up but I like to say I am no longer a child. I am starting to realize there is a middle between being an adult and being a child. Now I am ready to leave the childishness things behind and I am ready to face responsibility and to to grow up. Not to say I am not scared, I am frightened but I am excited.