"my heart desires a special k bar."

I have been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. Being fresh out of high school, with nothing holding me back it is quite easy to weigh out my options.
First of all I have not had my feet solid for awhile now, still working on getting them set. So when I think about the future it is nerve-racking to me. I begin to find myself being scared and very anxious about what lies in the future for me. I fail to have even the slightest bit of trust.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how he is going off into the military and so on. I couldn't help but think to myself, "wow. he has an actual plan. I am not even sure what classes I am going to take yet." I am a bit envious of those who seem to have it all together or at least are better acting at it then I am.

I am not sure what I want to do with my life. For as long as I can remember I always thought I knew what I wanted to do "when I grew up." There was being artist, a singer, and a writer.
Those were merely a childish dream and I soon discovered that I could not do any of these.
I am not very good at art, I love it but it is not something I am extremely talented at. I sound like a dying cat when I open my mouth to sing. Writing is something I would love to be good at but it is more of a hobby or a passion than a career. So I thought long and hard about this for quite sometime until I was in about 8th or 9th grade and I decided I wanted to be come a journalist.

Now with college approaching and its time to declare a major to plan classes as so forth. I begin to wonder If what my heart desires to do is something I am even good at, or more importantly what God wants me to do. My little brother and I were trying to figure out what he was going to eat for breakfast yesterday morning. We argued back and forth until finally he said "Well Amy my heart really desires a special K bar."
your heart's desires are always not what you should pursue. Nor are they what God has planned for you. You know? how do you separate what you want to do with what God wants you to do? I am afraid to fail once again.

I was telling the same friend the other day that I would rather just not go to school and travel. It is almost the honest truth. He is going into the military, and I am glad he is going because it will give him some time to discover things away from home and his comfort zone. It will also make him more of a man, (he is a bit of a wimp right now. haha) More importantly it will test his faith but also this change will make him grow.
I envy that.

I would honestly rather just take time off from college and life right now and get things figured out. I have still yet to solve many problems that I need to, and I feel overwhelmed and need a break. Yes summer was a good break but it was more of a time to relax than to solve things.
You heart is not always going to lead you the right way, nor will your dreams. I feel I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life but also to take the time away and grow closer to God. I need that the most right now.

I thought college was something I would be able to plan out, something that I was not going to regret, or even something I thought would finally work out my way.
Ha, it did not work out that way.
I have big plans for the 4 years. They didn't turn out exactly how I wanted.
I am frustrated with where I want to go with my life. For as long as I can remember I always had goals and dreams. Yes many of them did fail but I never felt as I do now.
Ready to give up.

Hm..
Thanks for listening.

my prayer.
I am trying to listen to your voice Lord but it is not very clear at this time in my life. Help me to hold on. Show me your Love and give me strength.