how my mind works. or better how it doesnt work.

recently I have been in this numb feeling in life.
I care, I do. Yet I am really not allowing myself to care, right now. It is just too much. So if you hear me say I do not care, I secretly do.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just do not seem to be able to face much right now, I just want to walk the other way and almost hide. Hide in my own insecurities. Hide from the past, but more importantly the truth.

I am not a person that can not handle the truth when faced with it, but this is more of a personal truth. Ill explain. I honestly do not feel very.... special or time-worthy. I really have a very low self esteem. If you know me well enough you will know exactly what I mean. It is something I am very aware of, but not something I can change. That is honestly just who I am. So when situations (such as the ones I am dealing with and have been dealing with the last couple of months) come up, I can not handle them. I do not know how to react. Let me be more specific.
I am not good at receiving complements. I am told I am a blessing blocker. I really am. So if some tells me something, I get really embarrassed and just quickly change the topic. why is that?
I hate being a girl. I love the complements but I can not allow myself to, or even to accept them.

so more recently I have been confronted with things that have made me very uncomfortable. Especially things about my past, and thing I am still struggling with. I am beginning to realize where I am on the journey I thought I had passed. I thought I had left a lot behind, but I soon came to reality that it really has not been that long. I am not implying that I am caught up by certain things, but more that I need to still be careful and maintain my faith and trust in The Lord. If it was not for Him, I would not be where I am today.

All of that to say that I am not going to push myself to hard right now, nor am I going to beat myself up for everything. I am taking the time to realize just how far the Lord has brought me, but also keeping in mind that I still have a lot of work to do in my life.