356 day journey

I started my 365 day journal again.
I am hoping that through this I will see how much I am going to grow over the next year.
Life is different right now, its been really hard to adjust.
I am not where I wish I was in my life right now, but I have not given up
nor have I lost my faith.
I am just struggling a bit, but I am looking forward to what is to come.

http://amys-365dayjourney.blogspot.com/
thanks for reading,
amy marie

guy friend vs. girls.

Today was a pretty great day. I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in months. He went off to boot camp and is now a United States Marine. I am so proud of him. We were able to catch up a bit, but it was really just nice to be able to see him again. It was fun to be able to tease him, like old times, but he has changed a lot. I am so excited to see what God has already done in his life, but will also continue to do. We talked about having a conversation with people who have "a story" and honestly this kid has a story now, yes it may be the same as others but its his view, it is who God has called him to be. I have learned so much from him this past year we have been friends. What is like to preserver, to grow in faith, to encourage one another, but also how be open. I really missed just talking to him.

I really have missed having those guys I could talk to, or even just having them as friends. I do have friends that are girls that I can talk to but it is not the same as the ones I hung out with this summer. I could call or text them and they would listen. Or we would have random outings. I need more of that in my life right now, even if it is only a letter every now and then.

I love those friends that you can see and there is no awkwardness, or it is okay to have a few silent moments because its their face you want to see.

One of my friend's dad made a comment today that mad me think. He said "You chose good guys to hang out with. One day these two will make great husbands." I never thought about that until now. Wow how strange but I do believe it to be true.

I doubt either one of them will read this but I know it is true. I think they are great guys and those who will marry them are some luck gals. Honestly, I think they deserve the best and I am not afraid to tell them that either, its okay if they dont want to hear it, ill still tell them :)
because I would hope they would do the same for me. 

I have been almost beating myself down lately because I look at three of my friends and I see how much they have done in the past months and what they have accomplished as well as what they now have become and I cant help but think I am not doing anything compared to them.

I feel God has a calling on my life, but I am too stubborn and blind to see it right now.

All of this to say that I am grateful for those guys in my life that really have encouraged me the past years, and have been a good friend in my life, I could use more of these friendships that I believe are God sent. Even though we are going are separate ways I believe God will always bring us back, but we wont lose contact :).
You are the greatest, strongest, bravest and most driven people. 
I am praying for you all each and everyday. For you life, for your focus to be on God, for God to give you strength, and courage, but now also for your spouses :) 

thanks for reading,

relationship status.

I was always waiting on that someone

wishing they would notice me.

trying so hard to ignore those
who did but I wish they wouldn't.

I have gone through so many different

"relationships" even just friendships.

I strive for relationships, real relationships,

not just surface ones.

I do not call myself experienced, 

I have just had enough of relationships 

to determine the difference between the two.

More and more recently I have been asked, 

"oh do you have a boy friend?"

My answer remains the same. "no, no I do not." 

I get the oddest stares from the person. It used to bother me but over the years but even within this year it does not bother me as much. This morning we had a group meeting at work and even though we work with each other we do not know much about the other. One of my questions they asked was of course, was if I had a boyfriend. They all wanted to hook me up or questioned why. 

I just smiled and of course blushed. 

To be completely honest It does not phase me anymore. I am really trying to figure out my life, and where I will be next year. I have goals and dreams and I believe those come first right now. It would be great if God sent me someone who wanted to chase the same dreams and had the same goals in mind but 

I do not want to change myself completely for that person. 

I see some many girls or even guys change their whole way of life or drop everything for the other. Some times it a good thing, but sometimes they are forgetting their dreams,

putting them on hold, not reaching their full expectations. 

I want to be able to be myself with everyone I meet. I want people to see me as real, not just a friendly face. 

There are enough of those in the world.

I want to have amazing relationships, ones that I love being with that person. There are some people I am friends with but our friendship only goes so far. Where there are those people I wish I could spend more time with, who I can tell everything to. I can do anything with these people and I just enjoy the time spent with them. I love them because they are not afraid to be themselves, 

they are not afraid to let some scars show, 

or to let some blemishes come uncovered. When I tell them I want to hang out with them I mean it. Its not just something I say to them using it as a "filler word." 
 
They are just REAL.

 I talk about these people a lot, 

because I could just not imagine life without them.

To sum all of this rambling up, I am content with my life,

my relationship status and my relationships. 

I do not know where life is taking me but what I do know is that I am not going to change who I am for anyone. I do not know who will come in and out of my life this year but 

I do know it will be a great journey. 

I do know it will not be perfect and I completely except that.

thanks for reading,

another hour brings more things to ponder

I thought I knew who you were. It is 6 in the afternoon, and I am reconsidering even who I am.
The sun has now set and the night is reached its peak.
The moon is shinning over your head and mine.
The thought that the moon light is a sleeve over head the both of us makes the winter seem bearable. The weather here I am sure is unlike anything you are used to.
Although is can be unfortunately humid, there are some pleasant days even though they may be scarce.

The days here seem to get shorter. Time is passing by quickly. I am apprehensive that I am running out of time. I have lost so much time in the past that I can not afford to do so again.

Do you hear the ringing noise? could you call my phone so I can relocate it.
that may just be a scheme just to hear your voice.
It would help to just hear a voice besides my own.

I rest my bed against the frame of my bed, as I close my eyes and hope that the time has changed. As a child wishing for another hour to stay awake, I wish for another hour but for a unknown reason.

Dreams and reoccurring, tireless thoughts have interrupted my sleep. I can barely function anymore.

I am not sad nor am completely happy. It is a blank emotion on my face. My face usually tells how I am feeling. I am an easy person to read.
I search in anguish for the accurate emotion to convey. What is my face telling you?
as 7 approaches I begin to wonder how long will it take for this headache to go away,
or how long it will take for my brain to function again
even how long it will take me to open my heart and learn to use my voice.

what has changed.

I took the day off to visit some friends in San Marcus today.
I even forgot about the time and had to call into work today. They were not very happy with me, and as much as I know it was a irresponsible thing to do I really just needed today to relax and not think about work or really anything at all for that matter. I have been really stressed as well as upset (i suppose that is the correct word) and I have had stomach pains recently because of that.

I went up to see two of my favorite people. It was really nice just to have lunch with them and catch up on life. I did get to see another friend of mine, and that was nice as well, but I felt I was bothering him, or an inconvenience. He used to be a really good friend of mine, but recently things have changed. I am not saddened by that, I know thats how things are but I just have to wonder what I did to him. It really upset me that he was cold and seemed irritated, but then I stopped to wonder what was really going on. I know he has gone through a lot recently and things are not easy for him, helped a bit. :)
I have lost and gained friendships this past year the most. I do not treat my friends as if they are seasons, but I believe friends will come and go. Its such a blessing to have a friendship that teaches you something or even just have the chance to get to know an amazing person.
There are friends that will come and then for some reason you may lose contact with them. I do not believe that means you are a horrible person or that you did not care about that person but thats how life is.
As much as I say I have considered who I still want to be friends with and who I just feel God is changing directions for your friendship, those I saw today I do not want to lose.
To you three today thank you for your friendship you have taught me so much about life.
I really enjoyed seeing you today and hope that I will be able to see more of you.

Time is so scarce these days.

I have so many saved blogs that I am working on.
So many unsaid words that need to be spoken.
There are so many things I wish to accomplish.
there are unconscious decisions to resolve.
Important decisions set aside.
There are Life lessons to learned.
pictures to be captured.
memories to remember.
forgiveness to be asked for.
there is much more time to seize the moment.
and way over needed naps to be taken.

halloween

"trick or treat?"
what a treat it was this year.
As you get older some holidays are just not the same. Halloween is one of them.
Growing up I was never allowed to participate in anything to do with Halloween.
We had our own traditions though. I went to a private school until my 7th grade year.
We had a huge fall festival there, were we were all allowed to dress up, but as something of God's creation. It was fun to go to sonic and grab a corn dog on sale and then return to school to help decorate and set up. There were dunking booths, and the teachers and administrators would participate. Along with many other games and food. It was something to look forward to.
When the school closed the church took the fall festival into their responsibility's yet it was not the same.
I remember my first year I was allowed to actually treat or treat was I believe my sophomore year. By then I was almost too old.
My 5 year old brother is the youngest of our family to start public school from the very beginning.
Halloween was never a big deal to my family, But times are changing. I am sure my brother will change that for the family. He really enjoys dressing up and eating candy, as do all little kids.
Weird how traditions change.
I really did not do much this Halloween, hung out with some friends, took pictures and played hide in seek till the early morning at the park with some friends.
but here are some pictures I took.