what a trip.

Honestly I was not really excited about the trip at first. When my youth leader told me to think and more importantly pray about possibly going on the trip, one of the first thoughts in my mind was "heck no." I am so grateful that God does not give up on us when we are stubborn but allows us the strength to preserver. Even though my heart was not completely calm about going, I decided it could not hurt to pray about going. For a few weeks I felt something in my heart stirring about going, I even talked to a friend about it and his heart is for missions so that may have opened my heart a bit more. I felt God wanted me to go on the trip but I of course allowed my self to think over the top, and of course logical. I told myself that the only way I was going if it was ultimately God's will. It cost over 500 dollars to go on the trip, and I was determined that if it was His plan for me togo then the money would not be a problem.

I love how when you but your faith and trust in God, and with out fully putting your mind there, you can still be blown away. I am so grateful for God soften my heart to going on this trip. I was a a leader along with 2 other people over the 8th grade girls. I was not sure how that was going to work out but I was excited about it. I really loved the time spent with the girls, either by continuously nagging on them to drink water or the one on one conversations I had with some of them.

For me word of encouragement is one of my love languages. So if it is a spoken or a written encouragement. I have been spending a lot of my quiet time in Ecclesiastes and there is one verse that really stuck out to me this week,
Ecclesiastes 7: 1. “A good name is better than a fine perfume.” I shared this with one f my girls this week and she in return wrote me a note as well. It was such a great time to be able to share with her some of my experiences as well as just to be able to sit down with her and talk about her fears and knowing I can relate to her.
I also had a chance to hang out with one of my friends this week as well. I was so glad she went. I tease that I was tired of her but the honest truth... are you ready for this?
I love her to death. I am so grateful for her friendship. I have only known her a short time but her friendship means more to be than some of my close friends. She has spoken so much into my life for the short time I have known her. She is just an honest and real person and the he girls adore her.

There were many other times when I had the honor of seeking through some of the girls lives, but they also in return really taught me so much this week. Some of them are some of the strongest people I have met, while others of them are filled with so much Joy from God, that they are encouragements to me. I could continue to go on and on about this week because it really was an amazing week. I am so excited to form stronger relationships with them as well as other. I am praying about investing more into their lives this month as well as in the future. I believe that is what God wants me to do this month. I am really excited.

mission trip

leaving on a mission trip tom. or actually today
It is exciting because really this the my first trip (besides the senior trip) with my new church.
I am really excited to see what the Lord has planned for me this week.
It is going to be amazing to see the relationships grow as well as strengthen between our group and those we are going to help.

I am a bit sad as well because a good friend of mine just got back into town from a trip and another one is leaving to go to port a to work for the whole summer.

we are just passing each other right by. I did get to see both of there lovely faces tonight, that was reassuring but at the same time it is a bit sad how we are all moving in different directions. this is the first glance of how life will be in a few months.
I am saddened and happy right now.


not to mention that I just got into it with my father. (i call them "respectfully" when I am angry) so we are leaving on bad terms as usual.
which is not surprising but I think we are beginning to see each other eye to eye that his authority over me is not the same as it was when I was 5.

I dont know.
keep me in your prayers this week.
I have been having a rough week this week. With just everything.
I am excited to take this week off.
especially from work drama, as well as the hours put into work.

off I go.

I needed this.

just as I am about to go to bed. REALLY frustrated with everything that is going on right now in my life. I fail to remember to go to God!
I decided I would continue to read Ecclesiastes 4. As I have been reading the last few nights.
I AM IN AWE of the two verses I believe God is telling me right now.
I want to elaborate on this later but I will give a quick summary now.

the first is 4 verse 16. "...This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." You will not find true happiness until you completely open your heart to God. or in my situation, I wont find love or a relationship until I fully allow myself to be loved, or even more deeper to allow myself to love MYSELF and love God and accept his love. (easier said than done.)
I am hurting right now. I am hurting you hear?
I will flat out say it.
I may always try to hid it and I can be good at it. BUT I am tried of trying that right now.
yes, yes God may be working through my life but its too much right now. I don't want to deal with it.
I just want to draw myself out of those relationships, and I will.

I need that right now.



verse two.

Ecclesiastes 4:2 and 3.
"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart..... let your words be few."
"as a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words."

if that does not tell you enough then you need to read those two verses again and again.
I feel I need to just take a break from talking. Not to be quick to speak especially with what is going on right now.
PLUS I just do not feel like explaining myself right now, nor do I need to.
I am not saying if a good friend comes up to me and asks what is going on,
I am not going to avoid them like a plague but I do not necessarily have to make them believe me or justify myself.

But most importantly I am not going to try so hard to make anything work.
I am going to go with the flow. Let someone indicate the conversation this time.
I am tired of talking.
I am tired of going in circles with you.
I am finished.
MY heart is closed, my thoughts are jumbled,
my heart is confused, my brain is tired.
I am physically and emotionally worn out.

My birthday was a really good one. I am now officially old. Birthdays do not excite me, not at all. WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE A DAY WHERE YOU GET OLDER? Not me thats for sure. I met with a friend before my birthday and she told me she thought I had a pride problem. I do not believe that to be the case at all. I am just not one who likes to be the center of attention. I never have, and doubt I will ever be. “Happy birthdays” and singing make me embarrassed.

I did not even realize my birthday was coming up. When growing up you count down weeks and weeks beforehand to the very day, when you get older things change. Just as an old women would need reminding, I was reminded several times my birthday was approaching. It took the reminding for me.
I was more focused on graduating that it slipped my mind.

Finally the day came. I convinced my brother to go with me to the gym around 11 the night before.
I went swimming and received tons of text messages to start off the celebrating. I went home late to find myself just to wake up early. I went for a run with my father and he teased me that I was old and my 5 year old brother could keep up with the pace now.

I went to lunch with my mom and my siblings. Then I went to swim and hang out with friends and went swimming. I had to leave to help my mom cook an enchilada dinner for some of my friends and myself of course. I had a pretty fun dinner hanging out and laughing. Then a couple of my friends stayed over late and we watched two movies. I was a bit sad that a good friend of mine ( :D) did not make it but I was blessed with the people that did come. We stayed up late laughing and just hanging out. One friend of mine told me today that he felt bad that he did not know it was my birthday, even though I had invited him to hang out. I am not that person to advertise my birthday. Unfortunately that is what facebook is for.

It was a good day. I had low expectations for the day, and really glad I was proven wrong.

graduation

graduation was at first a scary thing. It meant transitioning from high school to the "real world."

I am being dramatic yes, but it was somthing that was not comfortable to me. I was nervious and a bit sad yesterday, I could barley even focus enough to run the errands I needed to accomplish.

I was making things more complcated then needed to be. I cried a few times that day, I was extreamly happy but about the same level of sadness.

finally it was time for graduation and I was a complete mess. I was running late and very nevious and upset at my mother for adding to my choas. The ceremony was long but my youth leaders kept me entertained by texing me.

All of this to say, that until the actual moment I walked across the stage it really had not hit me yet that I actually made it. After everything was over, we threw up our caps, that was the first moment I felt free. Free from high school, free from childesh things, free to move on!
I was so happy that night that a friend of mine could tell from my text messages, how hyper I was.

I went to hang out with one of my favorite people then went back to the party and hung out with everyone until around 6 and then went to bed for an hour.

I was high on emotions that I did a few things that I knew I shouldn't have or even things I knew I should have but didn't. but I am leaving everything in God's hands. I honestly could not have made it this far with out him and I am not planning on trying to go any further with out Him.

I am excited to see what HE has planned for my life.
I am waiting not always pacient but I know His hand is holding me and His steps are before me.
I am excited. I really am.