I have been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. Being fresh out of high school, with nothing holding me back it is quite easy to weigh out my options.
First of all I have not had my feet solid for awhile now, still working on getting them set. So when I think about the future it is nerve-racking to me. I begin to find myself being scared and very anxious about what lies in the future for me. I fail to have even the slightest bit of trust.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was telling me about how he is going off into the military and so on. I couldn't help but think to myself, "wow. he has an actual plan. I am not even sure what classes I am going to take yet." I am a bit envious of those who seem to have it all together or at least are better acting at it then I am.
I am not sure what I want to do with my life. For as long as I can remember I always thought I knew what I wanted to do "when I grew up." There was being artist, a singer, and a writer.
Those were merely a childish dream and I soon discovered that I could not do any of these.
I am not very good at art, I love it but it is not something I am extremely talented at. I sound like a dying cat when I open my mouth to sing. Writing is something I would love to be good at but it is more of a hobby or a passion than a career. So I thought long and hard about this for quite sometime until I was in about 8th or 9th grade and I decided I wanted to be come a journalist.
Now with college approaching and its time to declare a major to plan classes as so forth. I begin to wonder If what my heart desires to do is something I am even good at, or more importantly what God wants me to do. My little brother and I were trying to figure out what he was going to eat for breakfast yesterday morning. We argued back and forth until finally he said "Well Amy my heart really desires a special K bar."
your heart's desires are always not what you should pursue. Nor are they what God has planned for you. You know? how do you separate what you want to do with what God wants you to do? I am afraid to fail once again.
I was telling the same friend the other day that I would rather just not go to school and travel. It is almost the honest truth. He is going into the military, and I am glad he is going because it will give him some time to discover things away from home and his comfort zone. It will also make him more of a man, (he is a bit of a wimp right now. haha) More importantly it will test his faith but also this change will make him grow.
I envy that.
I would honestly rather just take time off from college and life right now and get things figured out. I have still yet to solve many problems that I need to, and I feel overwhelmed and need a break. Yes summer was a good break but it was more of a time to relax than to solve things.
You heart is not always going to lead you the right way, nor will your dreams. I feel I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life but also to take the time away and grow closer to God. I need that the most right now.
I thought college was something I would be able to plan out, something that I was not going to regret, or even something I thought would finally work out my way.
Ha, it did not work out that way.
I have big plans for the 4 years. They didn't turn out exactly how I wanted.
I am frustrated with where I want to go with my life. For as long as I can remember I always had goals and dreams. Yes many of them did fail but I never felt as I do now.
Ready to give up.
Hm..
Thanks for listening.
my prayer.
I am trying to listen to your voice Lord but it is not very clear at this time in my life. Help me to hold on. Show me your Love and give me strength.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
family
I never wanted to need someone because I was afraid they would disappoint me and then they would be gone and out of my world, just as quickly as they had entered into it.
I was afraid I would owe them something in return. That I would be in debt to them.
Even family. It always seemed that when ever anything went wrong, or I did something to disappoint my parents (once again) that they were never going to forget it. Most of the times, even still, is it held against me. It never seemed right. I specifically remember telling a youth leader of mine that I thought my parents only loved me because the had an obligation to love me. That is a sad thing to think when you are young.
When I was younger I wanted nothing more than grandparents who loved you and took you fishing, I though that is what I was missing in my family. Silly? Maybe so. I believed that my family was missing things “normal” families needed to be a FAMILY. As I grew older I began to see that my family was no where from perfect, we have are flaws just as everyone else does. The ideas in my mind never ceased, if anything those ideas turned to to reality and some truth.
The more time I spend with my family, the more I realize a few things. They are not HORRIBLE people, but they are not always the best for me around all the time. They bring me down and bring the worst out in me sometimes. Hey I am not saying that I do not love them, because the truth is I do. Yet I am learning more and more that sometimes it is just best to get away from even things you love, for your own good.
So I ask you- What does family mean to you?
I am sure it is completely different then my definition.
The truth is when I think of family I think of my surrogate family. Those people that have been there when I needed them the most. The people who offered me a home when I was broken offering me a shelter. I can name a few people that I consider more to be family then those who are related to me. Sad? I do not think of it that way, I see it as more of a blessing that I have those people in my life to show me how a family should be.
The point of this post is not to talk about how horrible my family is but to remind myself about how God has brought me very important people in my life to act as family to me. I was thinking about this the other day, and the people I miss when I go out of town are not usually my family I live with, but those who I consider family.
A good quote I found in a book the other day,
“We can't expect everybody to be there for us, all at once. So it's a lucky thing that really, all you need is someone. "
I have been working on this post for a good week now. This is a touchy subject for me to talk about because it is something that still bothers me and this is not the whole post. Yet, In the end all you really need is a family. You do not have to share the same blood or the same DNA but those are the people you could not imagine life without, those selective people that you truly trust. They are those people you can tell them you love them and they will return the same love with out expecting anything in return.
I was afraid I would owe them something in return. That I would be in debt to them.
Even family. It always seemed that when ever anything went wrong, or I did something to disappoint my parents (once again) that they were never going to forget it. Most of the times, even still, is it held against me. It never seemed right. I specifically remember telling a youth leader of mine that I thought my parents only loved me because the had an obligation to love me. That is a sad thing to think when you are young.
When I was younger I wanted nothing more than grandparents who loved you and took you fishing, I though that is what I was missing in my family. Silly? Maybe so. I believed that my family was missing things “normal” families needed to be a FAMILY. As I grew older I began to see that my family was no where from perfect, we have are flaws just as everyone else does. The ideas in my mind never ceased, if anything those ideas turned to to reality and some truth.
The more time I spend with my family, the more I realize a few things. They are not HORRIBLE people, but they are not always the best for me around all the time. They bring me down and bring the worst out in me sometimes. Hey I am not saying that I do not love them, because the truth is I do. Yet I am learning more and more that sometimes it is just best to get away from even things you love, for your own good.
So I ask you- What does family mean to you?
I am sure it is completely different then my definition.
The truth is when I think of family I think of my surrogate family. Those people that have been there when I needed them the most. The people who offered me a home when I was broken offering me a shelter. I can name a few people that I consider more to be family then those who are related to me. Sad? I do not think of it that way, I see it as more of a blessing that I have those people in my life to show me how a family should be.
The point of this post is not to talk about how horrible my family is but to remind myself about how God has brought me very important people in my life to act as family to me. I was thinking about this the other day, and the people I miss when I go out of town are not usually my family I live with, but those who I consider family.
A good quote I found in a book the other day,
“We can't expect everybody to be there for us, all at once. So it's a lucky thing that really, all you need is someone. "
I have been working on this post for a good week now. This is a touchy subject for me to talk about because it is something that still bothers me and this is not the whole post. Yet, In the end all you really need is a family. You do not have to share the same blood or the same DNA but those are the people you could not imagine life without, those selective people that you truly trust. They are those people you can tell them you love them and they will return the same love with out expecting anything in return.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
being a girl
How many times a day do I say "Ugh I hate being a girl,"? More than I can keep track of.
I am not necessarily saying I wish God had made me a boy, but I am just trying to make a point.
Being a girl is not an easy thing. Especially today in society. There are many times when I am aggravated because I am not the "ideal girl." I do not like wearing dresses or wearing shoes that make my feet hurt or add to my already clumsiness. I am a simple person, who would wear jeans and lip flops everyday if I could.
I love to see those girls younger than me all dressed up, with pounds on make up on their faces because that was never me. I have to hold myself back from wanting to give them a wipe for their face or making a remark. Even though I was never one of those girls to want to be noticed, or to be the center of attention, I do believe we struggle with the same things in life.
Being girl does not always mean we have to act like we have everything together, neat and organized. It does not mean that because I am a girl that there will always be drama and emotions. Being a girl is something completely different, and guys will never fully understand that. HA most of us girls will not either.
I am going to say this even though it is pretty embarrassing for me to say, but I will say it always.
I received my first kiss this summer. (I am blushing night now of course.)
I am 19 and that is pretty old not to have been kissed before now, but that is just the kind of person I am.
anyways....
because I am a girl and girls generally care more about relationships than guys do I was a bit love struck. Not necessarily for this guy but just in general. I beat myself up about this a lot for a few weeks. I felt like such a girl to act how I acted. Although in general I am always fighting emotions because it bugs me to show emotions.
I feel it I need to hide any emotions I feel, and I still do this.
I was talking to a good friend the other day and she noticed that when I say "oh it is okay," that it might not be. I catch myself saying "its okay." or "its fine," more than I should.
I do not like being a girl because I am afraid that people will find me annoying or that I am not worthy enough.
"oh she is just such a girl."
I hate the emotions as well as the false expectations that are put on a girl.
I am not an ordinary girl, I do not wish to be an ordinary girl.
a mental list I made in my brain today about the benefits or being a girl and the negatives.
positives.
1. are not expected to do all the yard work. (I helped my dad with trimming trees today, glad I will not be expected to go into the family business.)
2. Generally more kind.
3. can wear clothes other than jeans and shorts.
4. we can give someone a hug and no one question if we are gay.
5. look better in a two piece.
negatives.
1. can not as freely take off our shirts when its hot.
2. usually more emotional.
3. expected to be more put together.
4. apparently we are not allowed to have a close guy friend with out expectations to date him.
(that is just crap if you ask me. I have lots that are just amazing friends in my life.)
5.
ill think about more later.
I am not necessarily saying I wish God had made me a boy, but I am just trying to make a point.
Being a girl is not an easy thing. Especially today in society. There are many times when I am aggravated because I am not the "ideal girl." I do not like wearing dresses or wearing shoes that make my feet hurt or add to my already clumsiness. I am a simple person, who would wear jeans and lip flops everyday if I could.
I love to see those girls younger than me all dressed up, with pounds on make up on their faces because that was never me. I have to hold myself back from wanting to give them a wipe for their face or making a remark. Even though I was never one of those girls to want to be noticed, or to be the center of attention, I do believe we struggle with the same things in life.
Being girl does not always mean we have to act like we have everything together, neat and organized. It does not mean that because I am a girl that there will always be drama and emotions. Being a girl is something completely different, and guys will never fully understand that. HA most of us girls will not either.
I am going to say this even though it is pretty embarrassing for me to say, but I will say it always.
I received my first kiss this summer. (I am blushing night now of course.)
I am 19 and that is pretty old not to have been kissed before now, but that is just the kind of person I am.
anyways....
because I am a girl and girls generally care more about relationships than guys do I was a bit love struck. Not necessarily for this guy but just in general. I beat myself up about this a lot for a few weeks. I felt like such a girl to act how I acted. Although in general I am always fighting emotions because it bugs me to show emotions.
I feel it I need to hide any emotions I feel, and I still do this.
I was talking to a good friend the other day and she noticed that when I say "oh it is okay," that it might not be. I catch myself saying "its okay." or "its fine," more than I should.
I do not like being a girl because I am afraid that people will find me annoying or that I am not worthy enough.
"oh she is just such a girl."
I hate the emotions as well as the false expectations that are put on a girl.
I am not an ordinary girl, I do not wish to be an ordinary girl.
a mental list I made in my brain today about the benefits or being a girl and the negatives.
positives.
1. are not expected to do all the yard work. (I helped my dad with trimming trees today, glad I will not be expected to go into the family business.)
2. Generally more kind.
3. can wear clothes other than jeans and shorts.
4. we can give someone a hug and no one question if we are gay.
5. look better in a two piece.
negatives.
1. can not as freely take off our shirts when its hot.
2. usually more emotional.
3. expected to be more put together.
4. apparently we are not allowed to have a close guy friend with out expectations to date him.
(that is just crap if you ask me. I have lots that are just amazing friends in my life.)
5.
ill think about more later.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
all for a swim suit.
yes I did get into a car wreck today. I know you do not want to hear my boring story about the actual wreck, so I will spare you. What I will say is that it was not my fault, but the cop said it was because he had right of way, even though I was not moving.
Anyways. I am super sore. My shoulder and arm are killing me. I am about to go take medication and hope It is not worse tom. I am just in a bit of shock and SO grateful I am not any more hurt than I am. My car is not very pretty.
After all of this, I just was not in the best mood today. I went to a friends house to swim. I was on my way to get a new swim suit when plans changed. I rode my sisters bike there because no one would give me a ride and honestly I was not in the mood for driving.
My friend made my day to day though. He picked me up and took me for get some ice cream. I had not seen him in a while, and it was really nice to get out and have some fun. He really made my day! :)
all of this to say that, I have been doing a lot of thinking to day, and examining my life right now. Not looking towards the future and not into the past, but here, RIGHT HERE.
I am not doing much with my life right now. No car now, no job, no boy friend, no plan for college, no major decision, and no life changing things going on right now.
I am just living life.
some people would call that lame and I would agree but hey apparently this is where God wants me at the moment. Who knows why? Yet I am still listening to Him and reminding myself He is in control. I am so glad that I did not kill someone. Or that my friend and I were not seriously hurt. Even though it was on a road way and not a high way, I know it could have been so much more worse.
Things have been really crazy and stressful in my life right now, and I really did not need this to add to it all, but it will work out. From not having a job to getting my car fixed. I know it will, I just need to have faith and trust that the Lord has a plan.
I went out today, just for a swim suit, in return I got a whole more.
Anyways. I am super sore. My shoulder and arm are killing me. I am about to go take medication and hope It is not worse tom. I am just in a bit of shock and SO grateful I am not any more hurt than I am. My car is not very pretty.
After all of this, I just was not in the best mood today. I went to a friends house to swim. I was on my way to get a new swim suit when plans changed. I rode my sisters bike there because no one would give me a ride and honestly I was not in the mood for driving.
My friend made my day to day though. He picked me up and took me for get some ice cream. I had not seen him in a while, and it was really nice to get out and have some fun. He really made my day! :)
all of this to say that, I have been doing a lot of thinking to day, and examining my life right now. Not looking towards the future and not into the past, but here, RIGHT HERE.
I am not doing much with my life right now. No car now, no job, no boy friend, no plan for college, no major decision, and no life changing things going on right now.
I am just living life.
some people would call that lame and I would agree but hey apparently this is where God wants me at the moment. Who knows why? Yet I am still listening to Him and reminding myself He is in control. I am so glad that I did not kill someone. Or that my friend and I were not seriously hurt. Even though it was on a road way and not a high way, I know it could have been so much more worse.
Things have been really crazy and stressful in my life right now, and I really did not need this to add to it all, but it will work out. From not having a job to getting my car fixed. I know it will, I just need to have faith and trust that the Lord has a plan.
I went out today, just for a swim suit, in return I got a whole more.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
freedom.
You know how we have more freedom than most countries because we live in the united states?
You will always here those poeple talking about how teenagers do not understand or respect the freedom we are given.
Ha.
On a different note- Parents are suppose to give their kids freedom to make choices, and just hope they are the wise ones. They just trust that what their kids have been taught is what is God's plan and that they are able to chose what is right from wrong right?
No teenager wants over-bearing parents who are constantly breathing down their necks.
That leads to rebellion as well as just fighting amongst families.
like always I got into another fight with my parents tonight. This week we have probably gotten into it almost ever day. Although tonight was different. I have not gotten threatened to get kicked out of the house in a while now. We argued about freedom and in the end I yelled at him and told him fine but he would pay.
If you don't know a lot about me and my past then this would come as a surprise to you.
I have a very rude tone and sarcasm when it comes to those two who "raised me."
The conversation ended on a bad note and I returned home to just go straight into my room, not a "hello I am home." nope nothing.
You know, Freedom comes with age right?
Well some at least. I do not understand how parents can be so naive, and so judgmental as well as contradicting. I hate the comparison game when it comes to raising your children.
I am just really annoyed right now and really confused.
You will always here those poeple talking about how teenagers do not understand or respect the freedom we are given.
Ha.
On a different note- Parents are suppose to give their kids freedom to make choices, and just hope they are the wise ones. They just trust that what their kids have been taught is what is God's plan and that they are able to chose what is right from wrong right?
No teenager wants over-bearing parents who are constantly breathing down their necks.
That leads to rebellion as well as just fighting amongst families.
like always I got into another fight with my parents tonight. This week we have probably gotten into it almost ever day. Although tonight was different. I have not gotten threatened to get kicked out of the house in a while now. We argued about freedom and in the end I yelled at him and told him fine but he would pay.
If you don't know a lot about me and my past then this would come as a surprise to you.
I have a very rude tone and sarcasm when it comes to those two who "raised me."
The conversation ended on a bad note and I returned home to just go straight into my room, not a "hello I am home." nope nothing.
You know, Freedom comes with age right?
Well some at least. I do not understand how parents can be so naive, and so judgmental as well as contradicting. I hate the comparison game when it comes to raising your children.
I am just really annoyed right now and really confused.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
how my mind works. or better how it doesnt work.
recently I have been in this numb feeling in life.
I care, I do. Yet I am really not allowing myself to care, right now. It is just too much. So if you hear me say I do not care, I secretly do.
I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just do not seem to be able to face much right now, I just want to walk the other way and almost hide. Hide in my own insecurities. Hide from the past, but more importantly the truth.
I am not a person that can not handle the truth when faced with it, but this is more of a personal truth. Ill explain. I honestly do not feel very.... special or time-worthy. I really have a very low self esteem. If you know me well enough you will know exactly what I mean. It is something I am very aware of, but not something I can change. That is honestly just who I am. So when situations (such as the ones I am dealing with and have been dealing with the last couple of months) come up, I can not handle them. I do not know how to react. Let me be more specific.
I am not good at receiving complements. I am told I am a blessing blocker. I really am. So if some tells me something, I get really embarrassed and just quickly change the topic. why is that?
I hate being a girl. I love the complements but I can not allow myself to, or even to accept them.
so more recently I have been confronted with things that have made me very uncomfortable. Especially things about my past, and thing I am still struggling with. I am beginning to realize where I am on the journey I thought I had passed. I thought I had left a lot behind, but I soon came to reality that it really has not been that long. I am not implying that I am caught up by certain things, but more that I need to still be careful and maintain my faith and trust in The Lord. If it was not for Him, I would not be where I am today.
All of that to say that I am not going to push myself to hard right now, nor am I going to beat myself up for everything. I am taking the time to realize just how far the Lord has brought me, but also keeping in mind that I still have a lot of work to do in my life.
I care, I do. Yet I am really not allowing myself to care, right now. It is just too much. So if you hear me say I do not care, I secretly do.
I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just do not seem to be able to face much right now, I just want to walk the other way and almost hide. Hide in my own insecurities. Hide from the past, but more importantly the truth.
I am not a person that can not handle the truth when faced with it, but this is more of a personal truth. Ill explain. I honestly do not feel very.... special or time-worthy. I really have a very low self esteem. If you know me well enough you will know exactly what I mean. It is something I am very aware of, but not something I can change. That is honestly just who I am. So when situations (such as the ones I am dealing with and have been dealing with the last couple of months) come up, I can not handle them. I do not know how to react. Let me be more specific.
I am not good at receiving complements. I am told I am a blessing blocker. I really am. So if some tells me something, I get really embarrassed and just quickly change the topic. why is that?
I hate being a girl. I love the complements but I can not allow myself to, or even to accept them.
so more recently I have been confronted with things that have made me very uncomfortable. Especially things about my past, and thing I am still struggling with. I am beginning to realize where I am on the journey I thought I had passed. I thought I had left a lot behind, but I soon came to reality that it really has not been that long. I am not implying that I am caught up by certain things, but more that I need to still be careful and maintain my faith and trust in The Lord. If it was not for Him, I would not be where I am today.
All of that to say that I am not going to push myself to hard right now, nor am I going to beat myself up for everything. I am taking the time to realize just how far the Lord has brought me, but also keeping in mind that I still have a lot of work to do in my life.
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