Prayer

When I finally think things are going my way I hit a road block.
Don't get me wrong I love life right now but because I have choose not to deal with some things I am forced to deal with them now. They are tearing me up inside.
Lord, I am really trusting you this time.
I can not help but feel lost and hurt.
Sometimes I wonder what your plan is. I pray you give me patience and guidance.
I can no longer go with out either.

Im done

I was in a horrible mood tonight because the guys in the back at my work were saying things that really bugged me.
They kept egging me on that I had changed and I was aggressive and so on.
It made me mad. I thought if I could get one person to agree with me that I was the same person it would make me feel better.

I decided to text a friend of mine just to say hello.
What I did not expect was to get a "confrontation" if that is what I should call it.
I was already upset but knew everything she was telling me was right.

I sat on my bed and just cried. I have not in a long time. I cried because I am tired of the way I am living. I AM living in sin, I am denying the Name of Christ. I am ultimately living for myself.

I am shamed to even admit this but I know those who love me and those who The Lord has brought into my life will stand by my side.

I begain to search the bible not for quick answers. I came across Daniel 6.
Many of us know these verses well.

Daniel was not afraid of persecution nor was he afraid to stand up for what he knew was right. Even if he was thrown in the lions den.
I want to be like Daniel.

verse 26 "For He is the living God,
And steadfast forever;
His kingdom is the one which shall not be destroyed,
And His dominion shall endure to the end.
27 He delivers and rescues,
And He works signs and wonders
In heaven and on earth,
Who has delivered Daniel from the power of the lions."

LORD DELIVER ME FROM THIS.
I give everything to you.
I am sorry for how I have lived my life.
I have brought shame to your name.

I do not need someone to agree with me or someone to make me feel good.
I do not want anyone to sugar coat anything for me.
I have changed and it is not good.
Lord mold me for your will and your will alone.
I am giving you my life.

disapointment

Growing up I was always afraid I would disappoint someone because I always in some way did. It was something I feared. I often felt people disappointed me as well. I clearly remember my dad telling me often "Amy, everyone will disappoint you in someway. Even I will because we are all human." I remember thinking "then why should i trust someone or worry about disappointing people?"

I really disappointed a few people today mainly by my actions. I can not help but to feel extremely guilty. It put a toil on my today and thats all I could think about.
but I had to stop and remind myself that there is only one person that will never disappoint me. JESUS. What an amazing feeling to know that He will not leave me nor forsake me. His arms are open wide and He is a forgiving God. Thank you Lord for forgiving me even though I do not deserve it.

I am not sure what else to say. I am just thinking.
thanks for reading.

where my thoughts have been.

I really havent felt like I have wanted to blog or even talk to anyone recently. A lot of things have been on my mind and therefore I feel My mind has been preoccupied.
here is a list that has been bothering me.
1. a friend that I haven't talk to in months.
2. a certain relationship I still have yet to figure out.
3. what I am going to do within the next couple of months.
4. My parents.
5. my job.

I am really not miserable at all, yes these things bother me to no end but it does not make me unhappy. God is in the middle of all of these situations. I just need to be patient and pray. I just only wish some people would make things easier on me.

rambling thoughts.

I have not written in awhile. Its funny that writing used to be my release, my way of coping. Now it is just too much to contemplate to much to sort out.
When things go wrong I tend to shut myself out from the world, go into my shell.
When something is not going well I prefer to not communicate with those who I am closest to.
things have been tough with school finishing and summer beginning. This summer by far is not something I am looking forward to. So many faces lost, so many things to consider.
last summer I was ending high school, becoming who I thought I wanted to be.
Invested into relationships I thought I would keep.

its different to see how your dreams change, how relationships change, how what you strive for is not always a constant.

I am rambling and going to stop.

ill write later when my head is clear.

just a title.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately so let me explain.
if you look on someones facebook or any web site for that matter you will be surprised to see what they have listed under "religious view."
It is just a title for most people not a life style but something to fill the blank area.

I was overhearing a conversation at my work the other day. Yes it is a christian environment yet that is not how it is for the most part. If you look deeper into the atmosphere you would be surprised. If you were to take a walk in the kitchen or by the drive thru you would be very shocked at the things you hear. Not because it is not something you dont hear off the streets but that it is something you would hear every day. We are no different then McDonalds or whataburger. Only that we are closed Sunday but so are other restaurants.

Okay you can live how you want to live, who am I to judge? It however bugs me when you stand there trying to convince someone o you are a Christian or say it on your facebook but live completely different in the world.

I remember seeing one person on my friends list have "firm no-believer" as the religious views, for some reason that bugged me more than leaving it blank.

something to think about this week.
It not just a title.

time

I have a problem with time.

Not knowing when to do something, unsure of that it may be too early or even to late.
Wanting to know if it is okay to move on or to not let go just yet.

Is there plenty of time or is there not enough?

I question myself often and find myself worrying about the past and being over concerned about the future.

I feel I jump into situations too soon, or find myself giving up to soon.
I find myself continuing to hold on to a person for too long. I often wonder where time has brought me or in time where I will be.

Time can heal a broken heart but time can also strengthen a relationship.
Time can bring joy yet time can bring confusion.

I can not help but think of one of my all time favorite verses. I am sure I have shared this on here before.

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

days like today when I am worrying about the future and annoyed with the present, I am often reminded that in God's timing I will be where he wants me to be. I will have the friends He wants in my life. I will wait for His guidance and His timing.
this is a bit scattered and I am rambling but I am so thankful that God's timing is all that matters, and with that I feel I can relax and enjoy life.



thanks for reading,

determaining what you were taught from the truth.

Growing up I was never told why you didnt do something just that "YOU DO NOT DO THAT".
I was always curious to why and what would happen if I did. My curiosity put me in bad situations or left me with some regret. On the other hand if you do not experience life first hand then will never know. Does that makes sense?

I feel like I am really growing this year. What I used to believe is being challenged, yet in a good way. What I thought I wanted is now changing. What I thought I knew is surprising me with the truth. What my parents taught me I am now learning to distinguish with the actual truth. It is a weird realization. I feel like I am finally beginning to grow and to become a BIT wiser with all the mistakes I have made. Where a few years ago I was a timid and to afraid to admit I failed or to allow someone to help me off the floor when I fell on my face.

Now I am not afraid to ask for help or advice. I long to know the truth and to know if I am doing wrong and where I am sinning. I am not looking forward to growing up but I am excited to see where I am growing and where I will be.
The truth hurts sometimes but with out it there is know way to grow.

where I am feeling lead.

As this week went on I have been praying for the Lord to guide me and to show me what I am suppose to do with my life. Its been a huge battle. I feel I can not mount to what He has called me to do. I am scared to give something my all right now.
I just feel I need to get other things straightened up in my life before I can continue.

I feel I need to fix some relationships before working on some new ones.
I feel I need to strengthen my relationship with God before I can fully fix some.
I want God to use me but I need his guidence.
I am not sure what I will be doing this summer or this upcoming semester.
Waiting on God's will and his direction.

I went to bible study tonight, and I missed the majority of it, but what I did catch I loved. They were talking about spiritual gifts and about how it is not something you choose but it is something that God gives you in order for you to work within the body of Christ.

I loved that thought. I want God to use me this semester to minister to others, I want to use my spiritual gift for him. I am not sure exactly what my spiritual gift is but I know I do love helping others and giving my time.

I am ready for God to use me. I am really going to work on strengthening my relationships and fixing others.
So if i call you and tell you in need to talk then that is why.
I have so much to pray about, and there are people I need to either fix the relationship with or simply just let go. Not giving up but stepping out because that is what God is asking of me.

lack of communication

When I came to my blog today I was thinking I was just going to edit a blog I have been working on, but instead I felt I needed to start a new one.
Gosh life has been a bit overwhelming lately. I should be studying for a major biology test tomorrow but I have so much on my mind right now.

Its been a hard last couple of weeks but I am getting back on my feet.
The Lord really has showed me so much lately.

One of the biggest things that is bothering me is how I communicate with others.
I found out that it started here at home. My parents and I had a bit of a rocky point last week, and instead of confronting me about it, my dad wrote me a letter.
As much as I was dreading talking to him face to face It hurt that we can not communicate.

it has only shown me that is one of the major reasons I can not communicate with others. It started here at home. I can not help but blame my parents for our lack of communication.
It is sad to say that my home has never been a safe place for me, it has never been a place I could voice my opinions or be myself.

I can not stop thinking about a relationship that I have lost recently due to lack of communication. I know I am a big girl and I can make my own choices and I can change things about myself. However I am having to learn something that I should have learned when I was a kid. How to communicate, how to love someone.
It scares me to no end.

I am trying to learn to communicate, or how to allow myself to be open and to share things with others, but it is not easy.

growing up I did not tell my parents about school, about boys or about life. It was just not something that I did. My parents never met a single teacher of mine, they never went to my school unless they had to, they never even really asked me about if i had homework. They were just uninvolved as their parents were. I do not blame them, I love my parents. Yet I realize that I am completely different from the rest of my family. I can not understand why it bothers me and it does not bother my siblings.

I do take on a lot of responsibility that I gave my parents a hard time, I started this non communication myself yet it seems that my siblings communication skills with others is just as mine are.
We for some reason to not have the healthiest relationships, we can not seem to trust.
I want to apologize on my behalf.

what time has taught me.

If you had told me a year ago that I would start learning to love and to trust I would have given you a funny looked and laughed at you.
Today I sit hear waiting for class to begin and I can not help but to laugh at how much I have learned. It took me over 18 years to be able to tell someone I loved them and mean it. WOW that is a long time, wasted time if you ask me.

As I think about all the people that have come in and out of my life I can not help but be appreciate for those relationships. I have learned so much from my relationships even those people that have hurt me. I have learned to be honest, to trust and to be patient as well as learning to be open, learning to humble myself and the list could continue.

I wanted to make a list, I love list. A list of the people who have helped me. I will not use names because that is not something I do, Yet I have a feeling you will know who you are.

1. Thank you for being a part of my life, encouraging me and giving me a chance to breath.
2. Thank you for teaching me how to trust and allowing me to be myself. I really have learning how to be open and how to love.
3. Thank you for being on of my first friends and showing me what a friendship should look like.
4. Thank you for being honest with me even when I am not willing to do the same.
5. Thank you for never giving up on me.
6. Thank you for being a person I could turn to for advice even just vent to.
7. Thank you for allowing me to learn to trust you, you have not let me down. I have loved getting to know you and to realize that I need to have stronger relationships not just surface ones.
8. Thanks for being you, even though sometimes we argue and dispute I love you and am grateful for all the time we have spent.
9. Thank you for allowing me to be a complete mess sometimes but still loving me despite my flaws, just goes to show what an amazing person you are.
10.thank you for allowing me to be part of your life.
11. You are one of my best friends. Thank you for listening to me ramble and pushing me to be open.
12. Thank you for encouraging me to reach for something, to follow my dreams, but also to not limit myself.
13. You inspire me to be something amazing.
14. You have pushed me so much in my faith and encouraged me.
15. I thank you for even telling me the harsh things I need to know. I am sorry our friendship ended badly but I do not regret any of it.
16. thank you for just being an amazing friend,
17. I would not be where I am right now with out you.
18. You have been a huge part of my life.

I may have forgotten to tag a few of you in this note.
sorry.

high ways and broken hearts. late nights and friends who are not far.

I am realizing more and more what it is like to have a broken heart and what it is like to be broken heart-ed.

sounds like the exact same thing doesn't it? I do not think so.

 

I recently have been feeling like my heart was ripped out of me. Not only by a guy but by some friends. I couldn't imagine moving on but the thing is this. While I am have a broken heart, I am not broken heart-ed. I will gather my things and move on. Yes, it will take me some time, and i want a bit more time to sulk!!

but I am quickly reminded of this:

Psalm 34:18

 ¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

you know It has taken me a long time to trust and to allow myself to be honest. Boy have I come along way. You can either choose to take it as it is or you can move on your way.

Frankly because I am ready to trust and to be open not just to friendships but to love. It has taken me years to see and understand what Love is suppose to look like. I think it has really only been this year that I have fully comprehended it. 

It takes time and effort and well as honesty in any relationship.

But the main thing is love.

"love your neighbor as yourself" 

what a great lesson we all forget about. 

 

Proverbs 27:5-6 

 ⁵ Better is open rebuke 
than hidden love

 dont hide your love, do not let fear stop you from loving.

Love your neighbor, love your family and friends, love the smelly kid that sits next to you on the bus, love the professor that you cant not wait to write a bad review about, love yourself, Most importantly Love GOD. 

do not let your love be limited or forgotten.

 

Proverbs 24:26

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

let your love be evident. let you honesty be felt. 

I hope this encourages you as much as it did me.

thanks for reading. 

amy marie

trust

I finally decided how to trust. For me trusting does not come easy at times even impossible.

I am learning that no mater what trust is a necessity in life, and in relationships. It took me the longest time to realize this, as well as being hurt more times then I wish.

I have finally realized that no matter how scared I am to trust or how afraid I am of being hurt, I still need to trust. Trust myself, trust others but Most importantly and foremost God.

Yes I know I will get hurt along the way, and at times I will be be resistant but I am going to take a step and be honest and trust. 
You can leave it or take it. With out trust you are just going about life and not really living. 

To love is to allow others to know the deepest, most secretive parts about you and know they will still love you. That is something I have had to grasp. That even though I feel there are somethings I can not tell people, if they really care about me then they will look past those faults. 

Honestly has been amazing thing to learn, as well as knowing that It is okay to not want the approval of others. I myself find myself never caring about what people think about me. It is not something that effects me, but I have come to realize I do need to care what those people closest to me think about me. 



I am just hurting myself even more by not trusting, I am not allowing relationships to grow and strengthen. I am missing out on somethings because I am too cautious. 


it is time I learn to trust.
thanks for reading.
with lots of love,

yes second post in the same day.

This verse is on my heart.

Going through a tough time right now.

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) 

God give me your Guidance and your wisdom, help me to not listen to me head but to what YOU want.

not sure.

I am a bit confused at the moment. Why do we sometimes convince ourselves that something is right, when we know it isn't? Does it make us feel better? Or how many times have you tried convincing yourself that something that feels good is wrong because you went with your instincts or you just feel guilty about it?
Its like going with your heart or listening to your head. How do you separate the two, or learn which one is telling you what you SHOULD do.

I am stick in the middle right now. Not sure my actions are just, but then again maybe they are.
Who knows!

time allows to give grace

As I lie here awake tonight,
allowing my head to wander and my heart to yearn.
I feel a hope inside.
Something I try so hard to grasp.
yet something that is out of my reach.
I want to feel respected. I want to feel wanted.
I want to have a peace inside that covers all.

I am finally reaching place inside.
I can finally look to the bright side of life.
I was learning to trust.
now I feel I am being set back.
repeating a step or two.

like a dance.
if you have a good leader,
everything comes natural.

if you have someone there it all seems right.

I am learning to be less concious about myself and more about others

I am learning to be selfless and love others.
I want to know you are going to be there in the hard times
and to always be there in the good ones.

I want to know where you walk is with the Lord.
but to know you will walk beside me in MINE.

I have so many questions to ask you.
If only I would allow myself to talk to you.

you hurt me, you really did.
but I am learning how to give grace.
The Lord gives us grace even when we dont diserve it.
He  gives us grace to forgive others.

how my life has been lately.

My little brother has been really sick the last week. He has missed a lot of school this year because he gets sick very often. Recently it has been worse and we didn't know what to expect. On friday after a few days of him complaining about his head and throwing up, my mom took him to the doctor expecting just to leave with a doctors note for school reasons. They urged her to go to the emergency room because they thought he may have something wrong. They did a cat-scan and found something they thought was a brain tumor or cancer. THANK GOD they were wrong. They did found a sis but do not believe that is effecting him.

Well they sent him home. But then on saturday, also my mothers birthday, he went back into the hospital. He could not even control his bowel movements and was throwing up everything. By this time his lips were purple from being dehydrated plus the fact that he had really not eaten anything in a few days. By this time he was so weak he was not even walking we had to even carry him to the bathroom. After several hours at the hospital we were told he had a step throat really bad and signs of the scarlet fever. They told my parents if they hadn't brought him his fever would have rose and he could have passed out.

He came home and was felling better thanks to the iv. He finally was able to walk again after a few days and his strength was coming back to him. Well it has been 2 days now and he isn't doing much better. Still wont eat and is running a fever. My mom finally took him back to the doctor to find out now he does in fact have the scarlet fever.  Poor kid he is going through so much. It has been a big toll on our family the last week.
We will all be glad when he finally gets better.


My life has been a bit similar. It has been up and down and up and down again.
School and work are both kicking my butt. I am about to drop a class because I have so much on my plate. At times I just feel so weak and not motivated to move on.
At the same time I am learning how to trust and how to have a healthy relationship, even just a friendship. When I finally thought I was "getting the hang of it," I was proven wrong.
It is hard to finally trust someone and then have them hurt you. Something I am so used to but by not allowing myself to trust and be honest I have not experienced it in awhile.
I am hurt but know that God is in the middle of this hurt. I soon hope I will be able to forgive again and allow myself to trust and love.

God gives us a greater love for believers. For they are our brothers and sisters in Christ. They are our support system and those who we fellowship with. Without them we are not working together to fulfill Gods kingdom. We all are here for different tasks for different parts of Gods plan.

I am learning so much about Love and friendships and what a healthy relationship should look like.
I am learning that there is a difference between listening to your heart and listening to your head.
My heart is telling me on thing about a good friend of mine, but my head is telling me to ignore my heart and go with my instincts. I am having to pray and to seek God more and more. I find myself at the end of the day falling flat on my face in prayer.

I know My brother is getting stronger and healthier every day, and I know that soon enough I will get stronger and my friendships will get healthier in time. It is just going to take me a bit longer.

Be patient with me, in time I will come around.
thanks for reading.

sometimes I hate being a girl...

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever."
Dave Matthews Band

thanks for reading. 

raining down trust.

It has been ranning for days now, I can honestly say I miss the feeling of warmth and sunlight.
I miss the sky being clear and even the sun shinning in my eyes while I drive.
While I have realized I miss something that is bright and happy, I realize that I miss laughing and having contentment in my life. I am sharing something very personal, which is not something that comes easy. I have been feeling a bit down the last few months, more lately then ever though. I have forgotten what it is like to Love life, and to look for the adventures and to be optimistic. I have been so overwhelmed and stressed these past months that I have forgotten and neglected even the most simple things in life. I am ashamed to even say what.

I have now again begun to feel the pains in my stomach again. I have not felt this much pain  as regularly as it had been last year. I can not even go a day with out being in pain. This week a new pain was added, in my hip.  I feel I am begging to fall apart.
I called my mom and my dad today and told them I felt I was breaking into a million pieces. While that was a joke, it is not too far from the truth.

I feel as if my life is in a millon pieces and I am now suppose to sort them out and put it back into place. It is not something I am equip to do. I am so tired and while I am not getting much sleep I am also begging to not get enough rest either. I have acknowledged how different those two words are from each other.
 

how to save a life.

It is a pretty descent movie. 

It really hits a lot of personal, bold things teens go through but it not normally shared or incorporated in movies. 

Keeps me thinking as always.

My thoughts.

I do not even have words to feel this space with.
I do not have any thoughts to share.
I am not one to be needy nor do I find being honest to come easy for me.
Who I am and who I want to be are so different.
Who I was from who God wants me to be, is long journey.
I am trying to figure out what I want to do in life, but trying to learn how to leave some of it behind.
This may not sound so hard but it really isnt that easy either.
My heart is heavy and my ears are open and ready to listen.

I am not sure what to even think right now.

its crazy how sometimes someone is just put on your mind and you are not sure why.
OR it is crazy how you have friends from high school or just old friends in general that you never talk to but you still think highly of them and love them.

I was just thinking about a few friends from high school and thought I would send them a message or tell them hello.
I have done a lot of reminiscing and writing on peoples walls to tell them I was thinking about them or how much they meant to me.
You can never hear that too much.

It is interesting to find out how people are doing, what college they are going to, or even who they are dating.
You always expect you will hear from them, or that ever once in awhile you will just say hello.
I was looking at a old friends profile and had just sent a friends request because I wanted to catch up with her. I was snooping around and found out she had died this week. I am still in shock. How weird it is to never have that friend request answered, or to never be able to tell her hello or to see how she is doing.
Gosh I do not know how I will finish my homework now.

I just got off the phone with another of my friends and that put me in a bit of a funk as well.
I always think that I will have time or another day to tell a friend or a family member what i think of them or how much they mean to me.

I am not trying to sound cheesy or to be cliché but I am trying to make a point

there are so many people I love but there are just as many people I need to stress how much they mean to me.
I am not much of a people person nor do I easily share my feelings but I need to learn how to appreciate my friends and how to love the close ones I have.
Not so much because of my friend. Yes she was a friend, but i have a lot on my mind and my heart is heavy.

gosh my heart aches right now.
thanks for reading. 

holidays have come and passed.

Life has finally settled down and I feel like I am finally gaining some organization and motivation. I felt like the Grinch this season. I was counting down till the end of the holiday season. This holiday was a lot different from any previous year. For one I was really sick last Christmas and was in bed days before Christmas eve and even days following Christmas day. It was miserable. Another thing that changed this year was a bondage I am now free from. I am not still not comfortable talking about it freely but those of you who know can understand. I thank God for bringing me this far. Holiday season used to be a time I dreaded for all the reasons holidays are loved for. 

  In addition to my large family we had 5 new babies this year (with 2 already this year.) It was such a treat to end 2009 with 5 new births. 


lastly, one thing that as different from most years was my job this year. I now work two jobs, but the most stressful was my portrait studio job. 
I never realized what a high demand there is for thanksgiving and holiday pictures. I also noticed just how cranky some people get around this time of the year. Me being one of them. I was not a very pleasent person to be around. I was always tired ad stressed about what others told me I should have left when I closed the studio. 
Oh if only it would have been that easy. 


I really enjoyed getting to spend my break with my best friends.
The 5 of us had some good times, running from cops, dancing at cowboys, spending nights doing random things, great talks and so on. 
I really am glad they were a part of my break this semester because that will be the only break I am able to spend with all of then.


As time goes on life gets busier there is not a lot of time to lolly-gag around. While I am glad I was able to relax a bit this holiday I am really greatful that I know have a schedual and things to look foward to. I am loving school. I feel like such a nerd but this semester is going to be different and wonderful.
I am learning to be different as well as to except things that are different as a new adventure.

contrasting.

I once knew a person

who believed in me,

I am not telling who

because it might just be you.

maybe it was you.

Listen to my story.

And all I have to say to you.

I am going somewhere different

I've always stuck around here

but with you on my mind.

I'm learning to be different

getting out of my zone.

So I'm trying something new.

No its not for you.

I'm doing this for myself.

I'm changing and learning

and figuring out life.

Its a scary place

but no longer in need

in need of your hand in mine.

But When I am alone with you.

I feel a change in pace.

Something I could adjust to.

But I an ready to feel

feel what its like to trust.

I am ready to feel the wind in my hair.

As I leave you behind.

I am going somewhere different

an over needed adventure.

Ive always stuck around

but with you on my mind.

Ill send you my address when

I settle down.

But I'm not making the same promise

you once broke.

But learning to change.

And learning to adjust.

You once set my pace.

But now its my time.

My friend wont you hear..

all what I have to say.

you've been there so long but now its time.

So I am moving on cause

cause you already have.

No longer your hand in mine.

Its something I am doing for myself.

yes its something brand new.

I am learning to trust
which isn't easy.

and to speak my mind.

That is not so new.

But I am not going to rely on you.

I am learning to be different

getting out of my zone.

For I once knew this person

or so I thought I knew.
who taught me to grow
and to do what I wanted to do.

So I am moving on cause

cause you already have.

No longer your hand in mine.