I am not your mother,

I am not your mother although sometimes I feel I am.
I have to discipline you, and teach you what is wrong from right.
I fear that no one else will If I dont.

I am not the one who is suppose to raise you,
yet I am the one teaching you how to write your last name.
or the one who needs to make sure you brush your teeth and
tell you they will turn yellow and fall out if you do not.

I am not suppose to tell you that isn't a nice thing to say,
or threaten to take you to the bathroom if you do.
Your parents should be thinking about your education,
not me.

I am worried about your future,
when I am letting mine slip away.

I love you so much but I feel that I need to get away for awhile.
I know I hurt you when you thought I was not your family anymore.
I will always be your family,

I was the first one to tell you that I loved you,
did you know that?
I am not the one who is suppose to raise you but I always will.

consistencies.

How am I? this is a question I hate to answer.
ask any of my friends and they will tell you that when something is bothering me I will change the subject numerous times until someone one gives in.

My life is at a stand point. I am not going anywhere really but my feet are just on the ground. If they were on level ground that would not be so hard on myself but they are not. I am just existing but rather living. I have been beating myself up for not taking amazing classes nor do I have the greatest job(s).
I am am just making ends meet and going with the flow is how things are going right now.

I stayed at the house that I lived at for almost 4 of the 5 months I was out of the house my senior year. It was really hard. I have avoided going there as much as I could since then, even though that used to be my hide away, as well as the place where I could talk and let everything out. That is something I do not allow myself to do anymore.
I was not there more than 5 hours each day and yes that is calculating the time I slept. Therefor it was a very tiring week.
I could not help but also wish I was comfortable there, because i missed that comfort. It is strange to say that I came home during the day to get things done as well as take a shower and different things. The place I have tired to get away from is the place I returned but not cause I felt security there but because it was familiar.
That has been a constant theme in my life.
Something that I am need to work on. I have fallen back into some old "habits" if you want to call them that.
I am not sure why but that because it is something that I have never and deny to resolve. It has been a constant that I am not sure how to let go.

I love sleep. my life has the tendency to fall apart when Im awake you know?
-- Ernest Hemingway

its been a really hard week this is only one of the things that are bothering right now but that okay I suppose life goes on. Life goes on.

My gold shoes

We all have our favorite shoes, the one we were almost everywhere.
The ones that even though they may not match they some how make the outfit complete.
Well mine happen to be a pair of gold sandals. I was in a hurry to find some shoes for a wedding for a good friend of mine. I needed something comfortable yet classy. I was not leaning towards heels because I have horrible balance, I am quite a klutz in fact. I was not certain I wanted flats either, I was helping set up for the wedding so flats sounded ideal yet I wanted to still look nice.

I have had some many adventures in these shoes. I have gone on numerous photo days in these shoes. One in particular when I feel in the middle of the rail road tracks when a train was coming because I was not wearing proper shoes. I have spilled things I should have not, and well as fell in mud these shoes. I have danced in these shoes at a dance hall, as well as in a park, and at a party. I have gone to the beach in these shoes with friends. I have said goodbye to friends as well as met new friends in these shoes. I have wished I had worn other shoes several times. I giving these shoes human characteristics without meaning to do so.

These shoes are not a friend of mine, nor am I trying to make it seem like I am obsessed with these gold shoes but they have been though a lot with me. They have been comfort for all the trips and walking I have done in them.
It is funny how something such as your favorite shoes have memories such as these. I was not even going to get the gold sandals, I was about to get black heels instead. I left the store but then came back to purchase the sandals instead. How grateful I am for that. Its funny to say I do not even know what shoes I wore before these.
This is something that has a shinny lining in my life,
memories..
I am needing to retire these "Golden shoes". The people and the memories are in the past... yet the memories are embedded in gold in my heart and will stay there until Gold in no longer valuable.

day of silence.

Red duct tape covering our mouths, helped us to show we were taking part in the Pro-life Day of Silent Solidarity. We carried fliers explaining why we are silent and hoped to educate others about the plight of the innocent children we are losing every day. Abortion is something I will stand up for, I am not going to participate or stand up for something I hardly believe in.
This topic is something that is dear to my heart. I thought about it and prayed about it and I felt that this really was something I wanted to participate in this year, and possible the years to come.

It was an experience I would not trade yet it was a very hard day. I was treated by some people as If i had a disease. While others would not even look at me or speak to me, but only make hand gestures towards me. My first professor would not even acknowledge I was in the class. While a girl in the bath room gave me the most ugliest look I have ever gotten and continued to glare at me until she deliberately walked across the restroom to get away from me as she continued to stare.

It was not so much that I wanted everyone to believe what I believed or I wanted to change their way of thinking but I wanted to be a part of those who were standing up in hope of at least encouraging others to do the same. It was also a great time that I was able just to sit there and pray and think. We do not realize how much we do not think or pray during the day because we get to concerned about ourselves, until you lose your voice.

No matter how hard you think it will be, or how embarrassed you think you may feel, it is never a bad thing to be yourself and to hold on to what you believe. Do not be afraid to show who you are and stand up for what you believe or consider right.

"would you include me in this journey?"

Sometimes I feel Like I am not doing much with my life. I do not feel like I am working hard enough, or being the nicest person. I was voted the rudest person in my family, by my family. I do not deny that tittle although it is not one I am always proud of. Life can be boring at sometimes, heck what am I saying most of the time it is not very adventurous. I feel claustrophobic often because I feel I am stuck. I am stuck here when I would rather be anywhere else.

I keep to think and come up with a solution one simple answer to one of the many questions I have right now. “God why do you still have me here?

No matter how hard I try, or seek in prayer my answer remains the same, wait.

I am so tired of waiting. I am like a little kid, I long for answers, I am in need of some guidance.

I have slipped the last couple of months, I have done many things I wish I hadn't.

Didn't do things I wish I had.

I have made some choices I can not undo. I have said somethings to people I can not take back.

I have strayed from having a relationship with the most important person in my life. I have not been a friend to those who are my closest friends.

I just need to apologize to those who I have hurt or have not been there for.

I am having a hard time figuring out what is wrong and what is right.

My moral chart has a crack in it. I not believe I can buy a replacement at the store.

Maybe it all boils down that I am confused right now in life. I am worn out.

No matter how well you wash your car or how much you spend getting a new paint job the inside of the car will remain the same. The interior of the car is still old and worn out.

I am ready to just find out what I am going to do for even the next semester. I am tired of being left out in the cold. “God would you include me on this journey?” I just need someone to walk beside me and hold my hand, or at least lie to me and tell me it will work out soon enough.

I am not one to talk to people, I am not good at sharing what is on my mind.

Although lately I just wish someone would be okay listening to me. I am not trying to be downer, oh and please do not feel sorry for me. I just need to get out what is going on.

I am tired, I am lost, I am so ready to give up. More importantly I am ready to give in.

good times

I have had some really good times the past few weeks.
It has really helped me out because I have not been doing the best lately.

A few weeks ago one of my best friends Josh called me up and a few of us went to the park and just hung out for a few hours. Then I believe the weekend after that He and my friend Anna Bibb went dancing with a few other people. That was a blast. Even though I did get home at 4am. Of course after eating at our favorite early morning place- Ihop.
A few times during the week he would call me to just hang out. We danced at our favorite park and just had a really good time just talking. I have really been needing that lately. It has been really nice to have a good guy friend. Someone I can trust and ask Guy geared questions. I have not had that in a while now.

This past saturday two of my best friends Anna and Josh went to eat Mexican food. One of Josh's last Mexican dinners, as well as the last meal we would have with him for a really long time.
Then we went to our park and hung out there for awhile until we decided we wanted cool-aid.
We stayed up until around 6am Sunday morning just talking and enjoying each others company. We made s'mores and just sat by the fire.
We talked about everything from why we are such good friends, to relationships and even religion. It has to have been one of the best nights I have had. Even though all of these I have mentioned are pretty great.
It has really left me thinking. A good friend of mine has been telling me I should cut ties with a few friends that are not building me up.
Yet I am torn because Honestly these are really some of my closest friends.

I mean yes I do not always act as I should around them. I am a bit different hanging around them, yet I am who I am around them. No faking anything. I can trust them with anything and they in return do the same to me.
I am not sure what this rambling is about, maybe just thinking about things.

I sure am Missing my friends right now.
I could really use a good talk again.
where are those letters?

I are a bit tired of acting like I have everything together, yet at the same time It is easier that way, and that is who I am.