dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams.
I was never one to be told "shoot for the stars." or "follow your dreams"
I always like to tell people I dream in color. In fact it means two different things. It means that I have huge dreams and that I dream sometimes the impossible. Yet it also means that I dream in color, although I have dreamed in black and white.

I have not slept very well in the last few weeks, due to the vivid dreams I have had lately.

I had a dream about a good friend of mine about 2 weeks ago. I woke up at around 6 in the morning crying. I had a weird dream that he was sick or hurt in some way. I could see him clearly laying in a bed. It was a hard dream to handle. I didn't know what to do but pray. I immediately sat up and prayed. Later to find out that week that in fact he was sick and on bed rest. I did not think much of that but that it was from God to pray for him.

On Tuesday of this week I had the worst dream about my father. I do not wish to even talk about it right at this moment. It had to do with his health as well as a big fear of mine God has been working through me right now. I woke up to my dad trying talking to me, it scared me half to death. I do not believe I was to kind too him.

on Friday night I had two dreams.

the first was about my ear. Yes that may sound weird but if you know me then you will understand why that is not so odd.

I was at my old church (a place I have been thinking about more than usual). My ear was on fire and it would not go out. I was surrounded my old friends, people that I dearly miss. It was weird because I woke up thinking that if something "tragic" happened to me I want certain people around me as well as that I needed to stay in contact with others. I remember in my dream, as I was trying to contain the fire on my ear, that even though my ear was deformed it was okay because those who love me and those who matter to me most will look past the deformation.
which is weird because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Who I have given up on trying to maintain a friendship as well as who I need to put more effort in.

The same night I had a dream about a good friend of mine. I was at her house because she was moving. It was empty but my brother and I were both there for some reason. It was fine at first but then after awhile it became dangerous. It was night time and there were intruders that were robing the house while I was there. My brother was nowhere to me found. I remember thinking in my dream that is common for my brother. He is either to consumed about himself or he is along side my family when I am in trouble or in confusion. The robbers started to push me because I was in their way. (I will not go into great detail about this part, at least not on here)
but after what seemed like hours I blacked out of fell asleep. Later on that night a good friend of the family who is now in heaven came to rescue me, but I would not allow him to. I screamed something along the lines that "you left me." not sure what that was about. I ran all the way home, (which that is not possible)
then I was at church that following Sunday and i was surrounded my friends but that was not enough from keeping me from crying. I was crying uncontrollably because I was so ashamed and need to apologize to my friend's father. There is more to this dream but that is the just of it.

I talked to my friend just last night and she told me that her family was considering moving but they were not sure. it is weird because I woke up crying after this dream at 5:30 in the morning. I could not control myself until finally I feel asleep.

last night I wanted anything to sleep with out dreaming. I decided I would fall asleep watching tv to hopefully distract myself. But nevertheless I had another dream. This time It was about my family. One of my aunts gave all her nieces a "gift" I will not come right out and say what it was right now.
I do not remember if she was sick or dying but she insisted we all take it.
it was not a normal thing for all of us to do, yet we all respected her wish. For some odd reason it had a weird effect on me and it hurt me. I was saddened by this because I did not normally have a problem with it nor did I want to disappoint my family as I have always done. I remember thinking that I usually fit in quite well with my cousins, why couldn't I this time? Which some times is not always the best thing. My sister was not present because she does not "fit" in with them nor does she really associate with them.


this dreams have really made me think more lately. My parents think I am just eaten too late. others do not understand them. I am not sure what the think of them. But that I wish I could get some sleep. I am severely lacking.

something I wish I could tell you.

a song I wrote for a friend today at work.
not going to show it to them though.


It is going to be a journey to find out
To find out what's going on.

You start the conversation.
I promise to be kind

Let's share this journey.
Let's share this time.
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine.

No need to carry me
I have feet of my own
I have two good feet

I went down to one of my favorite spots,
Where the planes fly by.
I felt a feeling in my chest.
I suppose you could call it my heart.

Here I go again
Here it goes again.

Come on, come on,
Won't you come?
Let's take a walk.

Let's share this journey
Let's share this time
We don't have to walk hand in hand
Just walk beside me

Don't stop on the tracks to question
Follow your heart.
I am learning to listen to mine

We don't need to fall in love,
Don't worry.
All I want is for you to love.
Love yourself and love OUR father
That is the love we share.

Leave the past behind
Let's stay in the present
To cherish this moment.

No need to carry me,
I have two good feet.

No need to walk hand in hand
My hand is fine on it's own...

You start the conversation
I promise I will listen.

dear friend,

(must say dear friend before each,)

dear friend,

I am remembering when you told me some very harsh things, I still remember how much how much it hurt.

Have I told you that you are forgiven?

I am remembering all the times when my heart raced when I would see you. What a silly girl I was.

I am so thankful for the years we spent in high school together. It would have not been the same with out you.

I am grateful for the encouragement you have given me.

I can pin point the words you told me that night I sat on my roof and you told me you had something to tell me. I was afraid that was the end of our friendship.

I am thinking of the time when we had so much fun in my kitchen making cookies and having a flour fight. I think I won by the way.

I am considering that you may have been right all along and that I was too stubborn to see it.

I am sorry for the rude things I may have said to you, I really do think you are an amazing person.

I remember all the late night adventures you and I had.

wow you sure got me into lots of trouble all the years I have know you. I loved every time.

I can still recall the songs you sang to me and how you smiled when you missed a beat. I am sorry but, I am beginning to forget the sound of your voice.

have I told you how much I love you?

I am grateful for the times we got together to talk. I can remember the first time we meet, I thought you were so Real. I want to tell you again thank you for being my friend.

Oh my. I am wearing a goofy smile looking back at all the laughs we have shared.

I remember the ipod wars we used to have. BTW I owned you at all those.

I am trying not to forget all the secrets you told me, and the ones I trusted you with. I miss the sound of your voice.

I remember the times when all we did was sit on the phone with each other and not feel the need to even talk. The hours spent on the phone just listening.

I remember the nights we stayed up really late and would chug red bulls to keep us awake.

Remember how we would have sleepovers like little girls?

I am thinking about all the times we went to jamba juice. I am craving some, wish you were here to go with me. How weird I do not even know where you are.

Do you remember the games we used to play when we were little? We had such imaginations. How is that imagination of yours?

I can recall the quite whispering from all the nights we stayed up late just talking and laughing. Remember the phrase we used to say? "okay this is the last word."

I hope you had fun for those many times you picked on me. Or the times when you will continue to pick on me.

Reflecting on the time spent with you, I long for more. Why can you not live closer?

remember the crafts we used to make? now we do not even speak to each other. how sad is that.

It feels like a few years ago when I would crawl under your bed and grab the tin of cookies. How I wish you would see how big I am. I wish you were here with me.

I remember you were one of the first people I would tell everything to. How are you my friend?

you used to always draw on my papers in class, and distract me from learning. I do not blame you for what I did not learn that year.

I am remembering so many faces, so many smiles yet I am beginning to forget your laughs, your voices. What I will not forget is the impact you have had on my life.
I want to thank you for that.

Love you always,
amy


I have really been reminiscing about the past lately. Remembering the hard times, the times I felt like giving up. I have held on to the good times, the amazing friendships I had.
I am remembering the wonderful talks with good people, the laughs with most.
The honesty I have shared with some, the bickering I have been though with others.

Why Am I remembering so much recently? It is putting me in a unusual mood.

even when life is tiring

I had the craziest, stressful, tiring day yesterday, while volunteering to help at another portrait studio.

I was a complete mess. I was running around trying to be polite to everyone while still trying to hold my authority over them because they will easily walk all over me. After all was done, and I answered everyone's questions and took my best shot at getting their portraits taken I finally had time to breath and take the last sitting. It was a great one because it was just one person vs the huge families I had done earlier that day.

I finally just closed the studio the best I could and hurried out of there.
I called one of my favorite people, on my way home. I told her how my day went and I really just wanted to talk to her. One thing she told me was that the good thing about working is that you can just leave it artas work, there is no need to carry it home with you. Even though I knew that it was nice to be reminded of that.

At the end of the day I was tired and grumpy and a bit stressed but I then reminded myself that no matter how to day ends, no matter how much I want to quit, or how much I wish I had done something different, at the end of the day all we have to do is give the day to the Lord. The Lord gives us a new day.

psalms 30:5
⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.


<sup>Lamentations 3:23-23

22</sup>The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

bake potato with out cheese

There are very rare times I find myself trying new things or allowing myself to adjust.
I have really been stretched recently, and quicker than I thought possible.

Tonight I after I changed from work I heard a rumbling noise and realized that was my stomach simply asking for food. As I am gathering all the toppings while waiting for my bake potato to cook, I realize there is no chesse. I am not sure about you, but for me, CHEESE is a necessity. There are many times when I can improvise but not a situation such as this.

In life sometimes I find myself with out strength or courage or even contentment, and I some how find myself moving on. You can not improvise for things such as these but that is when it takes allowing to try some new things.

I find myself comparing. It is not a good thing most of the times. I kept thinking tonight "Well If only I had cheese this would taste so much better." What a silly thing to even think about because there is nothing I can do about it. Just like many other things in life, I am just learning to adjust to changes and to learn that does not mean it will not come around or happen again but for now I need to learn to allow myself to be open to new things. If I let things slide by or I do not give it a shot then I may never realize how it could have been or how much I could do with out something or even how much I love/miss/appreciate something. :)

I found myself just last night comparing two very different friendships while adding in a new one to think about. I then reminded myself that both of these friendships I value and that friendships can simply not be compared.

Just as I could not have cheese on my potato I can not have everything just the way I would like it but some times it is the willingness and the strength that leads your to new opportunities.

How nice would it be though if life was like a condiment bar. You would to choose and pick or determine what would make your life better or even what would suit your life.

I am not settling nor am I trying to improvise for what can not be I am just learning to adjust and to let go of my "perfect picture" of that person(s) as well as life.