I am a chid because I have not experienced all there is. I am closer to being an adult because I wish to experience more and the childish things are no longer appealing to me.
Age does not determine when you are mature, it is the wisdom and the guidance you have that determines if you are ready to step out into this world on your own. Stay a child as long as you want, please, but no that the longer you take the harder it will be. It is a comfort zone to not have to transition but I guarantee you the step towards becoming an adult is worth all the trouble. I no longer wish to be a child because I want to grow up and experience life, yes I envy a child's love for wanting to live life but I want more than colorful rainbows and band aids that make a cut stop hurting. I want scars and heart aches.
I want adventure and passion to be a part of my life. I want love and relationships that are meaningful and are long lasting but glorify God and ones that we lift each other up. I want to be a vessel for God, and no longer depend on others as a source of guidance. I want to experience life! I want to make my life meaningful and I want to encourage others. I want to be used. I want to feel lead and not allow things to hinder me. I want life and I want all that is meant for my life. I am sorry if you are one of the people I am talking about but I am no longer letting my feeling get in the way.
I am grateful for the laughs and the time spent together but honestly I feel I am not going any where with some of you. I long for relationships, I long for someone I can trust and depend on. I want you to feel you can depend on me for the same. Yes I do love those relationships where I can let go and just be me and have some fun, I am not necessarily talking about those. I am talking about the ones that are wearing me out. I am done putting effort into the relationship where I am just hurt, not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because it is wearing me down and we are not building each other up as we are meant to do. More importantly because our relationships is not pleasing to God, it is standing in my way.
As I grow older I begin to see which relationships mean something to me and which are mealy just there for convenience. As I am going to hopefully go off to college soon I began feel sadness about falling out of touch with some friends. To be completely honest there are some people that I cant not even begin to express how happy I will be to disconnect from then. Sounds bad? It is honesty.
I went to see a children's move called UP tonight, with a friend of mine. I was a bit cheesy but that was expected. I was not sure how exactly the night would turn out because I used to be really good friends with this person and more recently we have no longer been close. It was a good night but I couldn't help but feel it would not be repeated anytime soon. Where that usually might bother me, didn't phase me much if any tonight. I did not feel much of a need to have to keep the conversations going nor did I care very much to recall life events that she may not have heard about. God is really working in my life where I am not in a place of needing approval of anyone for that matter.
I am content and grateful for the strong few relationships I have now.
I went to a friends house the other day and all we did was sit around and talk about life, relationships. School and so on. It was one of the best nights I have had in the longest times.
Then I met a friend for happy hour yesterday and I loved it. She and I enjoyed our slushies and caught up on life. There was a time at my life where I cried out to God for friendships because I was longing for relationships and I was searching in hope to find meaning in my life.... and so on. All that to say as I look back and read those journals I am saddened that I was once at that point in my life but I am so much more grateful that I am now where I am.
I know I am not grow up but I like to say I am no longer a child. I am starting to realize there is a middle between being an adult and being a child. Now I am ready to leave the childishness things behind and I am ready to face responsibility and to to grow up. Not to say I am not scared, I am frightened but I am excited.
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