time.

Time is running out. 

it feels there is a timer that is set, and that once it runs out we are forced to respond in a hastily, productive manner. 

over exaggerating? possibly so.  

Its just annoying to watch everyone in my class as well as others my age, already having things figured out.  I am usually not one to be left in the dust, but I am one to be in the middle, keeping a steady pace. However, these last few years have pushed me behind the others, where I am not just trying to find a way to gather myself to even find the strength to run again or even walk in the right direction. It really is bothering me. 

my brother is having a similar problem, but his is more complicated then mine. 

it hurts me to watch him struggle and fail just as I have. I went to talk to the counselor the other day and she figured out that we were related and started to ask me about my brother and what I thought on the situation. I gave her my opinion as well as a honest truth. I told her that we have not received much, or even any support about schooling from our parents. It is something I have realized in the past, but not remembered recently.

I walked out of her office feeling saddened and dumbfounded at my stupidity. 

I am so confused as well as distressed about that whole situation. I was talking to a good friend the other day, telling her some of this very thing and she gave me some meaningful advice. I know I am suppose to put this in God's hands and allow him to take care of this. Yet is so easy for me to want to sick around to help out. 

I am still not sure where I am meant to go to college. My dream was to go to colorado and study journalism, but lately I have been side tracked. 

I am so confused. My heart is telling me one thing while my mind is misleading. How do you distinguish which is your heart and which is your emotions or mind? 

I am afraid to leave my family, not because I am attached to them. (I am not at all, I am always bickering with them.) I know it would be a good thing for me to get away and figure some things out on my own. When I moved out of the house in the beginning of this year it was honestly some of the best and hardest months this year. Although I learned so much, and it was what I needed to get back on track, emotionally as well as spiritually. 

None of this scares me, leaving my family, being on my own. 

I am afraid of what will happen when I leave, to my brothers. My childhood was rough and I know I bear a lot of resent and hate towards my parents. I am praying that God will help me let go of that. It is taking time and I feel a bit more freedom. I am just worried that I will not be around to teach my little brother the things I was never taught, or to let him experience life with out our parents breathing down our backs. 

I could continue on this if you would like. Believe me I need to get it out. 

I was honored with the privileged to attend a few graduation parties and well as a graduation this weekend, it was a pretty good end to a horrible week. As I went to a few friends graduations this weekend, I was not only inspired as well as grateful for their friendships I will honestly say I was a bit envious. I am not an amazing person, I am just average. I look at them, and their lives I begin to think that my life was a bit of a waste. 

I then have to remind myself that is not of God to think that way, yet I cant help it. 

I have come a long way from where I once was 4 years ago or even 5 months ago. 

God is continuously working through my life, and that I am grateful for. I am so honored and grateful that he has not given up on me, despite my stubbornness as well as my rebellion. 

this post my seem as if I am down and in the dumps, and I am to in extent but I am working things out, with myself but more importantly with God. 

things are coming to an end and it is frightening. 

but I will be fine. 

thanks to those of you who keep me in your prayers.

but more importantly thank you for those who make me talk, especially the times when I don't feel like it, but I want to. 

if you want more on what has been bothering, do not hesitate to ask. I am not guaranteeing an answer but I am not afraid to talk, because I know the conversations I do have with friends are the best conversations  I have ever had.